what an effing year

i think its time to reflect on this year...boy it was a hell of a year....

started off with the best new years ever...i met josh at the party and hes one of my bestest friends now...got my first tattoo1!! then i went straight into urinetown which was a fucking blast. finished that up in feb and moved right into cats rehersal and then a night at the palace shows, and my party in march. that brought cat and the end of school. april really was just a bunch of sitting around doing nothing :P hey i finished school i took a break lol, i spent it with old friends. may brought tears and memories. neil passed away on the year anniversery of johns passing...that was intence and really hard to take. i got to go to the titanic exibit as well that month which was amazing. june starts off really shitty and ends that way. bryan went missing on the 1st (i found out on the 3rd) i went out and partyed with the best of them, one for the closing show of nemo (also bj's last show...boy i cried a lot last year ) and then there was the commencemnt party where i met Jono (one of the best things to happen to me all year) july came in just like june. Ian died on the first, i went to warped tour on the second, had the best 30 ish hours of my entire life. emma leigh gets pissed and me and hasnt talked to me since. i got back go to ians funeral and then head to camp. over the next month its just working, i met some amazing people, had some amazing adventures, harry potter came out, that was sweet. went back to work. had the most amazing week of camp. what a way to start aug. my birthday was so awesome. i got my lip pierced and my tattoo! went to bars, had my friends band over...it was just amazing. went back to work. work got hard but it was life changing. ended the summer with a few days at my second house. sept came in and back to school. i was so scared to go back but i honestly couldnt wait. i loved being in the theatre and still do. the mixer happened which was great. then tim died and i lost it. i got into this amazing school so i left mal adn started looking for a job. well that didnt go over well cus i got a cist which caused me a lot of pain. october was good. i stayed home a lot went out for halloween which was awesome. still looking for a job but im optimistic. this last month i've really spent time finding me...doing things for me...christmas was good, i went out to the bar with mummy on the 23rd and all in all im glad this year happened

this year was def not the easyest but it happened and im way stronger cus it did. i lost three people i cared about. made some amazing new friends, has some amazing adventures and some horrible decisions.



THE YEAR 2007


1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
went to a concert!!
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i dont do resloutions
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
my cousins g/f
4. Did anyone close to you die?
RIP Ian and Tim and Neil <3 please come home bryan
5. What countries did you visit?
i stayed in canada
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
ambition
7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
warped tour, july 1st, june 3rd, sept 25th-oct 1st
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
not having an emotional break down many many times
9. What was your biggest failure?
being lazy and not finding a job
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
a few bad injuries from camp and a chipped tooth
11. What was the best thing you bought?
electric guitar, keyboard, tattoo's
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
they know who they are
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
emma leigh
14. Where did most of your money go?
every which way
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
warped tour, getting into metalworks
16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
lights and sounds by yellowcard, friends and alibis by escape the fate
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? i'd say a little bit sadder
b) thinner or fatter? thinner
c) richer or poorer? pooreer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
finding a job
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
quitting
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with my family for the first time in 2 years...its all us this year <3
21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
only with max from escape the fate <33
23. How many one-night stands?
None :D
24. What was your favourite TV program?
top model, next great american band
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
i dont like to hate
26. What was the best book you read?
twilight/eclipse
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
escape the fate, boys like girls, cascade
28. What did you want and get?
guitar hero 3 :D, the job at moorecroft, getting into metalworks
29. What did you want and not get?
a lot of things
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
hairspray, bridge to terabitha
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
19 and it was the best ever
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
not having reasons to cry
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
def a little bit older
34. What kept you sane?
music,
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
max green <3
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
they all piss me off now
37. Who did you miss?
people who cant come back
38. Who was the best new person you met?
kat, josh, jono
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
just be yourself and have fun. dont stress out to much. trust God

THE YEAR 2008

1. Will you be looking for a new job?
of yeah
2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
no
3. New house?
nope
4. What will you do different in 08?
get out of my house more
5. New Years resolution?
save at least 15,000 for schooling
6. What will you not be doing in 08?
dwelling, im going to try at least
7. Any trips planned?
not right now but who knows!
8. Wedding plans?
haha not for myself
9. What's on your calendar?
hopefully working
10. What can't you wait for?
moving to ontario and going to school
11. What would you like to see happen differently?
the way i present myself
12. What about yourself will you be changing?
i still need to grow up a lot more if i plan on moving out
13. What happened in 07 that you didn't think would ever happen?
i didnt think i would have such a shift in what i want to do
14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
im going to try
15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 07?
yup....need to act more grown up i do
16. Will you start or quit drinking?
im cutting back a lot!
17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
im trying very hard to
18. Will you do charity work?
i always do
19. Will you go to bars?
maybe a little
20. Will you be nice to people you don't know?
for sure
21. Do you expect 08 to be a good year for you?
im going to make everything count this year so yes
22. How much did you change from this time last year til now?
more the i thought i could
23. Do you plan on having a child?
def not in the next year
24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
im not going to be all the optimisic but i hope so
25. Major lifestyle changes?
getting healthy
26. Will you be moving?
not in a year
27. What will you make sure doesn't happen in 08 that happened in 07?
letting myself get lazy and stop working for what i want to acomplish
28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
maybe going to the bar
29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
i know who i want but im in serous doubt it will happen
30. Wish for 2008?
to keep growing as a person and acomplish some very hard goals this year

bands that changed my life in 2007
1: escape the fate
2: boys like girls
3: yellowcard
4: cascada
5: skillet

songs that change my life in 2007
1: friends and alibis - escape the fate
2: thunder - boys like girls
3: lights and sounds -yellowcard
4: let love in - goo goo dolls
5: blessed be your name - tree 63


so heres to a good 2007 and a brand new start in 2008!!

Merry Christmas

so here we are... Christmas eve. mines been very good...i went out to the bar last night and sang karaoke... that was fun. met some really awesome gay guys. they were so much fun to hang out with. I'm going there for new years to I'm thinking. so that is going to rock. I'm having my turkey dinner tonight and my uncle stopped by today. all in all its been a great holiday (i now have over 200$ in gift certificates that don't expire! that's going to help a bunch!!) i cant wait to see my sister open her gifts. with her disability she still believes in Santa although she is 11. and probably will for a long time. so that makes me happy to see the joy on her face every year! 

well that's all for now. 

Merry Christmas

if only i could turn back time

time goes so fast. i hate the holiday season for just that reason. before we know it it will be christmas 2008 ... a year just doesnt seem like that much to me anymore. it just makes me think...its been 15 years since the last christmas i spent with my whole family. my baby cousin is 15 this year and in grade 10...and her brother is 12! thats crazy! i havnt seen my aunt or my cousins in 12+ years....i've never met my 12 year old cousin. they only live in prince george.

everyone always talks about family. how horrible it is. how much a certian grandparent is annoying/old whatever. guys i dont have any grandparents. my fathers father is brain damaged. he hardly even knows me anymore. my great grandmother on my moms side is still kicken but she isnt doing well. my family all lives in alberta and i never see them. the only person i really see on my fathers side is my uncle tommy who visits once a year...he lives in vancouver. and on my moms side my uncle randy who lives in coombs and i see ... once a year. i hate when people bitch about family. in the end its all you got. i hold the family i have very close now. my mother, my sister, my brother.

holidays always make me mad. i hear people all the time complaining that they have to go to some "family dinner" or "cook dinner for everyone this year" i just want to scream. i havnt had a big family dinner in 15 years! what i wouldnt give to have my family around on christmas. what i wouldnt give to see my little cousins or my baby 2nd cousins!

so heres my christmas wish. tell everyone you love them. that grandma who still thinks you 10 or that annoying uncle. treat them like gold. cus thats what they are

i hate the ones that love to hate cus they're just like me

haha yay etf! honestly i love them...i just downloaded their ep and another ep that they just released...makes me happy. also dl'd the new hedley album...should be good

so i actually left my house tonight. it was nice. went to my brother band concert, got to see some friends, the old drama teacher put up all the old pictures from the shows in the 80's. they were pretty sweet to look at. i got to talk to my friend about the show they are doing. im sooooo excited to go see it. they are doing moulin rouge!! im fucking excited. keep in mind i know these people so well and its going to be awesome to see people play these roles. expecially satine and christian. stoked!!

good chance the new years party will be at my house so anyone who reads this is more then invited, but im sure you'll all have your own!!

wish ya'll the best! <3

i cant believe i let myself get hurt again...why am i so fucked up? i honestly dont know what to do...actually i do but that costs money. i want to leave....i want to leave and never come back.....fuck i dont know what to do anymore.

this is the last night you'll spend alone

when did i become relationship counciler?!?!?! like holy fuck!? its crazy!
it makes me feel usefull when people come to me....
i just wish i could take my own fucking advice!

i hope you had the time of your life

i am extremly happy right now...but as we know michelle doesnt write about happy things in this blog :P

bryan has been missing for 6 months today...wow....thats unbelievable....i really cant believe this happened. people dont just vanish off the earth. its really worse not knowing. a horrible part of myself just wants some news. this waiting game sucks. in my heart i know that he isnt here anymore. thats a hard fact to come to. i spent soooo many years trying to find the people i went to school with on the mainland. i had just found ashley (one of my best friends over there) and was trying so hard to find bryan only to see him on the news. do you know what that is like? i have now watched 4 friends come on the news after their passing. and its almost worse. it makes you think of every persont that dies that you hear about. there is a family attached to that. there are friends and people who loved them. i've always been a sensitive person but that makes watching the news almost impossible. watching tim's come on the news was probably the worst. they went to my high school and talked to some of the people there...and i couldnt be there. and im not going to be able to be there anymore. high school is supposted to get you ready for the real world. but it really doesnt. it lures you into this false security. false family. and before you know it its all gone.

i really am happy right now guys....i just....im lost.

so with this i leave you....




escape the fate playing vancouver warped tour...im in the front with the camera :D

its good to feel good

today was good...not anything special really happened...my window in my bedroom finally got fixed. two guys came to put the new one it. it was fun to flirt again (one of them was 22 and quite cute) it was nice to laugh and giggle and just be amused again...it was good

68 Thingies! stolen from martha

1. Single or Taken - Single
2. Zodiac sign - leo
3. Birthday - Aug 4th
4. Male or Female - fem ale
5. Preschool- pied piper (in vancouver)
6. Elementary - armstrong elementary (vancouver) nanoose bay
7. Middle - springwood middle
8. High School -Ballenas
9. Eye color- blue/green
10. Hair color - blonde...black currently
Are you a health freak? nope
12. Height - 5'5"
13. Do you love someone - nope
14. Is that someone in your school - n/a
15. Piercings you have - 3 in each ear, tongue and lip
16. Righty or lefty - righty

FIRSTS :
17. First piercing- ears
18. First sport - basketball
19. First pet - benji dog
20. First vacation - i dont remember
21. First crush - micheal in preschool :P
22. First love - dont have one
23. First boyfriend/girlfriend- robert downs :P

CURRENTLY :
24. Eating - n/a
25. Drinking- kool-aid
26. Listening to - simpsons
27. Wanting to see/speak to - ....

YOUR FUTURE:
28. Want kids -someday
29. Want to get married - someday
30. Job - tech
31. Where will you live - wherever im happy

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
32. Lips or eyes- Eyes.
33. Looks or personality- Personality,
34. Athletic or lazy - dont really matter
35. Intelligence or attraction? attraction
36. Romantic or spontaneous- both
37. Body or mind?-mind
38. Tall or short- taller then me (which isnt hard)
39. Shy or outgoing- outgoing or shy...they are both awesome
40. Older or Younger? - older

HAVE YOU EVER :
41. Kissed a stranger- yea
42. Lost glasses/contacts - never
43. Ran away from home - to my moms car
44. Broken any bones- finger
45. Broken someone's heart - not that i know of
46. Been arrested- Nope
47. Cried when someone died - many a time
48. Liked a friend - for sure
49. Been cheated on - nope
50. Seen porn- hahah midsummer night porn :P
51. Snuck out - snuck others in
52. Been called a slut- hellz yes
53. Got in a fist fight - yup
54. Shoplifted- yeah

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
55. Yourself - i try to...if i dont then who will?
56. Miracles- yessum
57. Love at first sight - lust but not love
58. Santa Claus - darn rights
59. sex on the first date - depends...probably not
60. Kissing on the first date - yeah
61. Angels - yes, i have many
62. God - yessum
63. Gay Marriage - darn rights
64. Abortion - only in special cases (rape)
65. Barack Obama - ???

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY :
66. Is there anyone you would really like to be with right now? for sure
67. Have you really liked someone that you shouldn't have? yeah
68. Have more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? Noppers

And that fateful day, I found who I was

i lost myself again...i was in a self pity mood again...DAMNIT! haha i knew i wasnt getting anywhere just sitting and doing nothing...so i went and looked at the warped tour videos....and that helped....i watched the band that got me so obsessed with getting into the music industry....and i saw myself...one the video...it was wierd but it got me thinking again....i wanted this so bad a few months ago and i just kinda forgot....so that inspired me to go look on wonderful facebook (thank you jilly for introducing it to me!) and i found a metalworks group...actual people who are now working in the industry cus of that school...and that is just waht i needed...i needed some sort of kick in the ass to get moving again...these people were scared like me...they were from out of province like me...they were just like me but they made it...and i can make it to. i know i can! i have faith in myself again...maybe even stronger then before.

in other news...i have the B2B audtion tomorrow...no im not audtioning again :p im going for tech for this summer....i talked to gary awhile back and he said that i very well could get paid...i cant not be paid if i need 36:000 dollers :P so cross your fingers for me guys! it wold be awesome to have B2B as a job cus the lighting tech is only 4 hours of work a day and then i could hold down anoter job as well! works for me!!!

woot woot!

set me free

a so i have not been writing .... i have a reason

ever since i saw the show i have had doubts...doubts about leaving school....i still owe the student loans 7,000$. plus im still worrying about the 36,000 tuition...and livining costs...i almost wish i could move out there now...find a job and settle in...make a life for myself there and then go...btu i cant...im not ready...i dont know if i will ever be ready. im losing my mind in this house....i've gone crazy i know it. i feel like crying all the time. i feel so alone. i never talk to anyone online anymore...i dont get comments and i dont see people in person....i am alone.

im just so confuzed right now...i know this is the path for me i just thought it would be easyer :(


i really miss you guys....i miss feeling like i was part of something....dont forget about me... (invite me to some partys...i need to get out of my house)


PS i have some care bear videos i want to get rid of...anybody want them?
=/

woot!

im actually going to go some where today...im getting out of my house and seeing people....i made plans!!! woot!!

yeah im going to see the show today....im excited to see everyone!

in other news...my fucking 4th piercing on my ear closed up AGAIN! im not re piercing it! fuck it! its hurts a lot right now cus i tried to re pierce it but chickened out....yeah i have no pain tolerence...

and again in other news...im now on the expert levil of guitar hero...which rocks...

yeah thats about all i got...

hallowe'en

so that was the best halloween ever. i went to the bar and sang karaoke....yeah i dont do that...but it was fun...i was very drunk....it was good

I cant escape winding down these halls

im trapped...
in my own head
i cant get out
every day is the same
i dont leave my house
except mondays
for 3 hours
thats it....
i dont have a job
the only person im not kidding
isnt real
to everyone but me
Im lost
i cant get out
this is never going to end
im too messed up in my own head to
escape
i make up stupid excuses
and only i believe them
i miss having a purpose in life




so i have not done this in awhile so i want to do it again...

write 10 statements....

1: i honestly dont know what i would do without you right now...you are always there to listen...i just wish we could do it face to face instead of a computer screen...i want to hug you...i want you to see me cry and to know when i am lying through my teeth

2: fuck i miss you. you act like we were never friends but we were. you said you would always be there for me...but you're not anymore. and that fucking sucks. you used to be my best friend...you still are in my mind...i fucking miss you so much.

3: i miss comming to school to see you. you were the first person from the program to really try and get to know me. remember playing the ringtones at the picnic? that was so much fun.

4: you're amazing. people dont tell you that alot. you have your problems but who doesnt? yours are just more on the surface but that makes it easyer to love you. you dont have to look far to see how awesome you are. you invited me, a random person, to your picnic allowing me to get to know some of the theatre people. thank you so much for that.

5: you said i could always talk to you when i was sad. you said you would remember that i got sad on the 25th of every month. i wish you had kept that promise. it ment a lot to me. i guess i thought we were closer then we were. but im happy you are happy with your life right now. you deserve it

6: you used to talk to me. i liked that you trusted me with your writing. and i still hold that dear. i wish we could have gotten to know each other more. i think you could have helped me so much. i hope all your dreams come true. you really deserve it

7: you confuse me. sometimes you seem to hate being in my presence and are annoyed with everything i saw...and other times you leave me comments that are totally random btu make my day.

8:you were and are the best person i worked with last year in the program. you never looked down on me and you always answered my questions. i wish you all the best in the tech world. you are really a joy to be around.

9: you were so intimidating when i first met you at the picnic. you're so talented on stage i love watching you. you command people to look at you without even trying to. good luck in life darling. i'll always be there to suply with random vodka :P

10: you used to be there for me...you used to care. when john died you were the first person i ran to. now i dont even talk to you anymore. and i try to. you just seem to be turning back the clock instead of moving forward. i wish i could be there like i used to. i love you


well these should be pretty easy to guess...

say it loud!

i am a very strange person...others see this but i am just starting to see it.....think about how many times you have drank this year....i can name every single time i drank and what i drank and where i was....9 times....in a year....i smoked pot 5 times...neither of those are once a month...i am not an average 19 year old....i just dont feel the need....

i dont exaclty know the point to this...maybe im just trying to get away from everyone before i leave....if i do go there is a good chance i will miss my brothers grad....which is really sad for me...i will miss christmas....and birthdays....two of my best friends will be 19...and i will miss the bar run with them...that will suck....but i gota leave.....i need to break away from everything i was...all the people who knew me....i need to start fresh....and i cant do that around here...people already have an image of me....or who i let them see....i have over a year to work on myself and then im out of here....it seems like so long but its really not...5 years ago just seems to have flown by...i was in grade 9 back then...now im off to ontario in a year...living on my own and making something of myself....


wow...thats pretty much all my mind is thinking these days

sisterhood

im watching sisterhood of the traveling pants right now....its so weird to watch it...last time i saw it was in theatres...me and tori went....and it was so like our life back then...me tori mandy and emma leigh...we were those people...emma leigh was bee...she loved boys...she was "reckless to the point of " whatever it was...mandy was like lena back then...or on the out side she was (not so much anymore) tori was carmen in the way she wasnt afraid to say things...and i was tibby...totally weird with this crappy outlook on life. and its wierd to watch it now and find more things in common with these charactors...like how tibby had never lost anyone till bailey...and neither had i untill johns freak death...well i had but none hit me that hard....its just wierd to think back to that time...i dont talk to hardly any of them....and back then we were always together...for a little while...untill things happened and we wernt...but i always thought that i woudl be freidns with emma leigh for forever....but im not...im moving on....and i almost dont want to but sometimes i want to ever more. iduno...weird mood

accepted!!!!

I GOT IN!!!!!!!! it is totally official...im into metalworks...im off to ontario in a year or so....i cant believe it...life is starting very soon!

blah

well we kinda won...or we thought we did till they made a desicion AFTER we left....its not up to the council anymore..its up to a select group of people on the exec.....so as of right now...moorecroft summer program is not a go ahead....and that really fucking sucks

have to find a place where there are no walls!

blah....so the pain is now not such a mystery...well it kinda is but its not as much as it was...im not going into details...no one needs to know that....but i have to take pills and go for an ultrasound....and then go back to mr docter and see what is really wrong....bascially i have to be in a bunch of pain till that all goes over...and then i might have to go to the hospital....it sucks...but i'll live...hopefully :P LOL j/k

in other news....thank you to those people who left me comments...you dont know how much they can mean to me when i am in that "mood" im a real pain in the ass sometimes but thanks....i didnt leave on bad terms...i have to start living...(with a few minor set backs such as above) i just couldnt deal with the whole losing Tim thing...that hurt for sometime....and by the time i went back it was already like last year and i was missing so much again...it was just better for myself and for those around me that i withdrawl. i wont put you guys behind in projects and that kinda stuff....and im moving in a different direction....i dont want a job in theatre anymore....its crazy but i want to work with music.....i want to be one of those people who run around doing the tech jobs before concerts....it really wasnt anything to do with the program or the people. i LOVED being in that program...and i do miss it....


these are really big steps for me to admit....


so today....i get to go to courteney and protest! lol. they are trying to sell the camp i worked at this summer and i will do everything in my power NOT to let that happen. so that is what i am off to do...its going to be a long day lol. but i get to see some of the people i worked with, which will be fun!

till we meet again

fuck!

fuck pain! i have never in my whole life been in as much psyical pain as right now...and i dont know why....and it fucking sucks :(

love it seems made flying dreams so hearts could soar

fuck...i really dont think people care about me anymore......
this is not a cry for attention...its a realization....i just lost a fucking friend of mine....and you think that would open peoples eyes about how concieded we are...but it didnt...i dont think of myself that ofton...i dont think about how this will help me along...im not like that...maybe i should be...maybe i should just be a bitch to people and get somewhere in this world? maybe...but i dont think i can...i was not built like that...i go out of my way to please people...and i really shouldnt....cus i get forgotten....i dont have any close friends anymore....they are just leaving me to find my own way...i miss having someone to rely on and be there for....i hate this growing up thing...i always said "im going to keep my friends from high school forever" and now...fuck i dont even talk to them...and i dont want to make new friends...new friends dont know how messed up my head is....how fucked up my life has been....they dont know how i work....

maybe im just destined to not have friends anymore....maybe i had my time and i pushed them all away....or maybe...im just not worth anyones time anymore....

people dont tell me they love me anymore...you dont know how much you miss that till it isnt there anymore...i used to get hugs and people actually caring about me....


im done....im done being peoples "friend' the one you come to when others are not around....fuck it all

2nd star to the right and straight on till morning

i am soooo effing glad i dont go to mal anymore....i hear snippets of drama that are going on and i am glad im not there. i cant handle drama anymore...i deal with enough of my own to deal with little problems of people who cant grow up. im sorry if that offends anyone but thats how i feel....i miss you guys a bunch....the ones that actually cared about me being there....the ones that dont even read this but they know how much they mean to me. you all have my email yet no one has contacted me since i left....so thats pretty much crap....im glad i got out of that envroment...it just isnt good for me and i couldnt be happyer right now!!!!!

its time to start living

so i quit school today....im going to work for a year and then go to ontario....scary but i need to do it...to all the theatre people...i still heart you all and will miss you but i had to do this


in other news...i got a mac book...its really weird and i dont really like it but its what i need for school next year

Be The Center

wow.....that was the hardest funeral yet....i normally can stop crying for a bit and calm down...i didnt...i bawled...i fucking miss him so much...you never know how much someone means till they are gone....so many memories are comming back now...i used to watch him do karate in the community center....i had girl guides at the same time...i would watch the hall way to the bathroom and sneak out to get hugs...from him and kris...and i forgot about that till the funeral and they showed a picture....or how he was always quoting monty python....or how when you poked him he giggled and jumped away like a little girl...he was one of a kind...this hurts so much right now...going back to school is going to be murder...getting my head back onto life..i just dont know if i can do it yet....but i kinda have to dont i....i know i have to .... its easyer said then done...but everyday now i have someone to live for....Tim....you're the reason im going to go and live life to its fullest...cus you did every single day....

RIP Tim Eric Charlebois

Aug 15, 1989 to Sept 24, 2007

you are forever missed!

I love you Timmy!! <3

I'd show a smile but I'm to weak

so i had my interview for the school in ontario today...i'm pretty much in...the only thing holding me back is the money...its going to cost $36,000...for two years....thats sooo much money...but i want this....and i want it bad...im not going to give up just cus its going to cost...alot....

funeral tomorrow...fuck....

for as long as i shall live i will testify to love

so i got my laptop back...the school i want to go to is calling tomorrow for an interview....things are going great...but i dont feel that....i havnt been to school in 2 days...i really ment to...but i just couldnt...i hate that no one there knows what i am going through...it seems like im just making excuses for myself again..."oh another person in her life passed away" i got it this summer too...i was trying so hard not to bring my life into my job...but it got hard...and i actually got someone comment me back saying i sure do know a lot...yes i fucking do...i dont choose them to die....i wish with all my heart they were still here...i dont like the pain of this...i dont like that 5 of my friends have passed away in the past year...i dont like it one fucking bit...i really miss all of them...i miss running into them and just getting a hug...i miss ian and his laugh...i miss john and his snide comments...i miss tim and our *poke* game...i miss hearing him giggle like a little girl....i miss neil and his stubborness and passion for his job...i fucking miss all of them...

this is why i hate growing up...i was blessed to have seen ian before he died...i havnt seen tim in over a year cus i didnt go back to bss enough...which isnt fair...who is it going to be next that i havnt seen? hold the fuck onto your friends...tell them you love them every fucking day cus they might just be gone the next!

i love you all....

Rest In Peace Tim....I'm really going to miss you! <3

how could you do this to me?

this is getting fucking insane...i just went and looked in my grade 10 year book...4 people in taht year book are now dead...that doesnt include sara or andrew or bryan ...i just counted and in my life time i have lost 14 close people....14....taht doesnt include all the people i knew .... i could add another 10 on there but that is just pointless......
im really getting sick of funerals and people crying and me crying...
i cant stand how long it takes me to get over these things....im still not over losing ian....i thought i saw bryan the other day...i jsut cannot take anymore

RIP Tim

You were an amazing person to know and Im glad you were a drama kid.... *poke tim* I'll never forget you <3

guitar hero

so i am playing way to much guitar hero....serously...every day...probably 8 or so hours....so like 20 ish hours this weekend alone...my eyes hurt but it is totally worth it~!

I Think I'll Change My Ways

Tomorrow's a Brand New Day

and i dont want the world to see cus i dont think that they'd understand

oh how fun it is to look back...
its really weird for me to be havinging converstaions with people that i grew up with and forgot...people i have known since before i was born...people that i have always considered family...and then my sister as well...its so weird...
but nice...it makes me think that maybe i did have a childhood...and its there somewhere in my memory...
it was a long time ago when i started to rememer thigns from back then...when i actually started thinking about who i was...it was like finding clue to a puzzle of how i was made...why i do certian things...why i act wierd sometimes...these new (old) people are helping me remember...and its really nice! ^^

mixer

wooooot was that fun!!!!
i dont remember much...kinda like last year...but i know it was fun and i know i drank a lot which i probably should not have but whatever! getting smashed once and awhile isnt that bad.
this year is going to rock...the first years are awesome and so is everyone else...fuck i have missed theatre!

lets start a riot!

so it just kinda hit me how much i have grown up since last year this time...its really scary actually...i was reading my old entrys in this blog (scary times) and i was all over the place...i didnt have really anything worth while today and i had no confidence...now suddenly i do. i dont think about my old school really anymore...i kinda do but not near what i did...i was fucking obsessed with high school last year...and obsessed with fitting in and being liked. now i am who i am. i am a high school graduate going somewhere cus fuck if i will stay in this town for the rest of my life. i am going to make a difference in my life.
so heres is a thanks to all the people who stuck with me last year. you guys are awesome. i dont think i could have done this without you all kicking my butt and being there for me.

so today was better then i thought it would be...i honestly was terrifyed to go back to school....i did a lot of growing up this summer and i made a lot of mistakes last year that are still bitting me in the ass but i can handle it now....
it just hit me the other day that my friend bryan has been missing for three months and ian has been gone for 2....and john and neil...fuck...it hurts a fucking lot to think about them...but im ready to .... i have tried to push them out of my mind but i cant anymore...i need to feel the hurt and learn to live with it...they are in a better place....john was in soo much pain that he choose to end his life and i can now respect his choice...neil had so much to live for and so did ian but they are in a better place now...they were both amazing people....all three were involved in shows with me and i miss them all terribly....i miss running into john on the street...i miss ians laugh and how i just couldnt be mad at him even when he bugged me...i knew him for so long and i knwo it still hurts a lot of my friends that he is gone..bryan was my best friend for 4 years of my life and had he not have gone missing i fully believe that him me and ashley would have been reunited and celibrated our bdays together in van like we used too....
i dont know where i am going with this...kinda just getting more things off my mind for a full year of school...i need to get my act together before i move...im so scared to get out of here but i know this is what i am ment to do...why else would my new teacher be a concert lighting tech...that is just sooooooooooooooo freaky...of all the people he got the job...since may my life has been turned upside down and i am finally on the right path to something i really want...

love me when im gone

on my old computer...stupid laptop had to go and get fixed...

if i could then i would shrink the world tonight

woot im back online! haha i had a few days there without again

i went to the beach fest...which was kinda hard...last time i was at that beach was the night that Ian died and we all found out...but it was ok...and so am i...
i ended up going to mandy's...i just got home...was there for 2 nights which was just like old times...where i would just go and not come home...i love life..
on the way home i went to bill and linda's...who are like family for us...mom has known them forever and i have known their kids for the longest time...and to my suprise Ryan was there...he usually isnt...so that made me so happy...he is more like family then my actual family is...
it really made me think about my life again...and how people like Ryan are always going to be there and i would be devistated if i ever lost him...i have known him longer then my own little brother...he's 7 months older then me and we were friends for that long...hes my best friend no matter what...i dont see him that ofton anymore but the time i do spend with him is that much more special to me...the last time i saw him was Ian's funeral...
so thats it for now...im going to watch movies and enjoy my time before school starts again!

in all of the noise i am silence

done work....i fucking miss it...it was such an escape...i didnt smoke there...now im fucking smoking again....i didnt swear there...i didnt think about my life as it is going to be...i didnt think about the fights or anything but just living...
but that made me realize...life is...it just is...and thats it folks...
it also made me realize a lot of my faults...and some ways to work with them...or work around them...it made me think about where i am going and where i want to go...and made me realize i am INSANE to choose this direction in life...but also that i can do it if i want it enough....it made me realize that life doesnt have to suck...i can make it better...i can make myself happy...with or without others ... little things dont get me down anymore...yeah im not that popular but people who do love me love me a lot...they would die for me....friends that i do have and talk to are gold...im going to be ok in this life...im going to make it....im going to b sucessful and im going to love my job...

im a different person guys...and i like it ^^

before i die i will have seen it all

i still have 6 hours of work but i am fucking tired and just want to go home...i am sooooo ready for this job to be over...its just fucking hard ... i dont like the people that much anymore...i've been around the same people for 6 weeks now...and not just normal work time either...i have been away from these people maybe 6 times in that time ... that is a lot of people time...i need space for a bit...and this is just getting to much...im sick of it....im done

when i come home we will have our night! <3

so...thinking alot...i'm lost...really lost...i feel i want to change but im having a lot of trouble doing that....you have no idea how hard it is to quit smoking...like oober hard...but i am still trying...
as for camp....its starting to take a toll on me....im really tired and sore all the time and i am starting to dislike the people i work with....and i can hear you all in the back of my head *thats life m...get used to it* i know that is how life is but im not ready...im not ready to grow up yet. i am really not...i see people younger then me who are more ready then i am...i am terrified....


im still not over losing ian...i try to be strong...but im really not...i miss him...and i miss brian....how typical of me to miss people AFTER they are gone and not comming back...and i miss my friends...i miss talking to them everyday...i do love this work but....its just getting to much...i cant wait till school...its going to be soooooooooo easy after this summer....i miss you guys too....alot... i miss that i knew who i was....i dont know if i know that anymore...i know im michelle...but i dont know what my mind thinks half the time...it confuses even me most of the time....i just dont get it

here's to the friends that were alibis!

my second tattoo!!!! wooot! it took 2 hours...and a lot of pain!! but i fucking love it! i love the letters...they are from a song called "friends and alibis" by escape the fate. its going to be a constant reminder of what i want to do in life and how far i have already come!

you can listen to the song here
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ORkRriOOayM

its a great song..i love it! <333

ITS MY BDAY!

so yeah...im 19! woot woot
i went out and had lunch with the family, bought a cosmoplotian, went to the liquer store and bought smokes and scrach tickets (btw i won 14$ on my first two scrach tickets) then went to the bar and played with the little flipping things that you can win money on...

oh yeah...and i got my lip pierced! woot!!!! i am so excited...it looks awesome!

so yeah that is about it...oh wait...i passed out after i got my piercing *blushes* that was embarrassing lol but all good and im fine now...

yup...this bday rocks!

edit...my birthday was fucking awesome...there were about 1o people here but they were the best 10 people i could ask for...you guys made my birthday the best...

i am the fish lady

im home from camp again...i am soooo tired and sooooo sore...so im just going to do highlights from this week....

-brittish bulldog , i got tackled...it fucking rocked sooo much! i got picked up and slammed!
-chaos...i got covered in ...icecream, beaver mud (from the beaver pond), crackers, normal mud and i got soaking wet!
-water fights
-talent show (i actually sang in front of people...yah scary)
-getting thrown in the bay/throwing others in the bay
-meeting really awesome people...and i mean fantastic people

so it was a great week...it has been the best week so far which makes me soooo excited for teen camp


ps...im 19...tomorrow!

im still thinking underage

wow....6 days till i am 19...that is soooo weird...i mean i have been looking forward to this day for so long...i can finally go to the bar and all that...
but there is a catch....i have decided to give up drinking...which means no drinking...well no getting drunk...which i really enjoy but im trying to change...and i dont like that i have to be drunk to be the person i want to be...i dont like that and i dont like how i feel in the morning...i would much rather just not drink. i already quit smoking pot...and i have turned it down many a time and not had any...last time i had any was june 28th and that was only the 4th time this year....once at new years, once at BSS, once at my party...and that is it...i dont like being impared...i dont like drugs. pot is ok but not for me anymore...at the end of my being a stonner i was not feeling the high anymore and that scared the shit out of me. i could very easly turn into a druggie and i know that...i could turn into an alcholic....so i am indeffinatly cutting back on my drinking and going cold turkey on getting drunk...

wow so that was a long speal...but it felt good...it felt good to put the words that have been in my head on paper...ish....its not going to be easy to do it...but im starting with my bday...im not getting drunk...im going to have a nice girly drink (which i am going to buy myself) and then stop...and im going to try not to smoke that night either....i doing ok on that too....i dont smoke at camp...which is hard but im doing it...hopefully after this summer i will be a non smoker....

i want to change guys...i really really do. i want so much out of life that i cant go down a path that isnt what i want. i have huge goals for myself and i want to reach them. i applyed to a college in ontario...a live sound and lighting management course. theatre will always be in my heart but it isnt what i want to do anymore. i want to travel with bands and set shit up. i want to be the roadie....that sounds so weird but i do. michelle the theatre tech is giving up on theatre. doesnt mean it wont always have a soft spot but i want something more. i love music wayyyyy to much and musical theatre just doesnt do it for me. im a rocker chick. i love being who i am, i love dressing in the punk/emo/rock cloths...and the make up and the ever changing hair....roadies can do that...i dont think theatre techs can...we're supposted to be hidden from view....i dont like that...i want to be seen but not in the spot light.

so long post...but it has been a long time since i just sat at my computer and wrote...im really scared to go back to school actually...i am putting myself out there more then i ever have. i am more me then i have been...i have more drive and passion in me then i ever have....this is me....and i plan on showing up more ofton :)

I'm the first to fall, the last to know!

so camp...yeah still rocks...i got another effing cut lol!!!!! stupid rocks!

hahahahaha court i need advice....boys like michelle at this camp! its scary! i dont like him what so ever but im confuzzled!!!! :P lol...this doesnt happen to michelle...i is very confussed!

but other then that little new akward thing...life rocks! i effing love it there! i've met so many amazing people!!! eff i cant even describe how amazing this camp is...i can feel myself changing and it is the weirdest feeling ever...

hmm what else...not much...19th bday in 8 days...effing hell...this is going to be weird!

but im really tired and i need to firgure some things out right now...chow all...

he ran away faster then snape ran from the bottle of shampoo

OMG IT WAS SOOOOOO SAD! I CANT BELIEVE HARRY POTTER IS OVER!! *cries*

this post may contain spoilers but im going to try not to

she said she was only going to kill off two charactors...she killed off 8 of them!!!!!!!!!!! and then some more minor ones...but that is still a lot of people...and i am a little dissapointed in the epilogue...it only covered some of the charactors lives...i wanted to know much more...but i guess it leaves us a little bit of wonder still....

this point on will have no more spoilers...


back to camp tomorrow...i got a pay check thursday which was nice...i hope this weather gets better...this kinda sucks...i dont like the weather...


in other news....i saw hairspray!!!! it fucking rocked! i laughed soooo hard! and they could sing and dance and woot!! loves it!

i think im going to sign off...im kinda tired...did the whole midnight thing and i fell asleep on my book and have been reading since i woke up at 10...chow all!

BUT ITS COLD!!!

so im back again from camp! it was awesome! it was the family camp and it rocked...

there were sooo many cute kids!! ^^ makes me actually want kids lol!

last night was one of the best nights so far! me, kyle, gary, alisha, and ruth all went swimming...at 3 am!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol it rocked! i was sooo happy! it was sooo cold but cool! the water was glowing cus of the bug things that glow! it was sooo cool! it was really cold...really really cold and im really tired now and i think i am rambling! lol!

i got a monster cut on my leg! i falled ! in the dark on a rock!

anyhoos...im tired!

honestly that never happened, lying is your favorate fashion

go back to camp tomorrow...i cant wait...to much stress at home already...but i will have internet at camp from now on....but i just want to get out of my house again...i want to be around those people again! i effing hate it here...i love my family i just hate the things i have to deal with. being at camp is like being in another world...i dont like comming back to reality...and i cant wait till school starts again...cus then i will be back doing something...i am so sick of this sitting and waiting...

i did decide i am going to get off this island asap...im sick of it here..im sick of waiting for my life to start...i know what i want to do so i am planning on getting out there and doing it...asap! i dont even know if i am going to stick around for the minor...i might...i dont exactly know yet..maybe just to specialize...

i love knowing what i want to do with my life now! its refreshing! i want to be a concert tech! i want to be in that life...i love theatre but i love music more...i have always loved music...then theatre came into my life...and now i can mix the two...i've never been one to be onstage...i like being backstage...its where i excel...so i plan on staying that way...

so yeah...its nice...im great!

OH BIG NEWS! my mom found my effing sister!!!!!! my older sister! the one i have been looking for for 8 years! effffff i cant handle it! it made me sooooo happy that i can talk to her now!!! i love it! i love life! it couldnt get any better!

show me the way

wow...i love camp...i get paid to camp and have fun and meet people!

i honestly just had some of the best days i have ever had...Austin, Amber, Beth, Thomas...fuck they rock! we got in a HUGE tickel fight last night while at cookout camping out....it was like a two hour fight! gotta love people

i just loved being somewhere where my little problems were so non existant...just gone...i didnt stress about anything i didnt feel sad about my friends that i have lost...i was just therea dn living in the moment...doing and saying waht i wanted! rock the fuck on guys!!

love you all!!

I am a moorecroft girl!

hold you head, hold it up high

today was fucking hard...its the hardest thing i have had to experance in a long time...he just looked so not Ian...he wasnt smiling...his hair just was not right....

seeing people i love in as much pain as they were killed me inside....i honeslty never felt that bad before. even for John you have to respect that he was in pain and made the choice...Ian just died so suddenly and was such a great person. he had so much going for him....

i take last thursday as such a fucking blessing. it was the last time i saw Ian...but before that i had not seen him in a year...it was exaclty a year apart...and i got to see him pull up in his car that he loved...and show off....and give him a hug...

i still cant believe he is gone....it really has not hit me...i dont see these people everyday adn that is why it is soo hard to get over them...im really trying to move forward right now

i start work tomorrow...which is going to be brutial...i just want to sit in my bed forever right now.....

anyways...i wont be online for a long time....



RIP Ian...you were a great person...you were always smiling always happy. now im going to try and do that same for you hun!

here's to the friends that were alibis!

happy 400 blog! holy shit!!!



so....im extremly lost right now...i dont knnow what to think or do or anything..the funeral is tomorrow....and i go to camp thte next day...i should be packing right now but i just dont hav the energy....im completly done right now....

im soo sad warped tour is over...i can see myself doing that...changing what i want to do and show band shows...be a sound person or a roadie or a lighting tech for band concerts...its right at the top of my mind right now...and i really want to do it!

i miss the feeling of warped tour...its kinda came at the worst time cus im not back to reality yet...im getting there but not really

this is a video of I Am Ghost and i am in the front row...




yeah it was killer!

other news is i dyed my hair pitch black...its right how i am feeling right now and i love it!

MOTHER FUCKING WARPED TOUR!!

ok so here it is...its going to be long...i have soooo fucking much to say!!

so we ended up taking the 5:10 ferry cus me and shannon went to go and see Josh...first little while we were in van were just traveling...i got to sit in the middle seat of the buss with two parts...really cool! took the sky train...went to new west to find booze...ended up buying 30$ of Dude....decided it was too late to go to Davids and went right up to thunderbird...we get there and drink one for Ian! i get changed and head over to the entrance with shannon and the guy told us that the entrance was around the back....but he was wrong so we went to go and "bitch him out" turns out he is really cool. we stay there talking to him...fucking I Am Ghost shows up...comes out for some beer! so we drank with them for a bit...then ronnie from escape the fate comes out....has a smoke with us...that fucking rocked. i got a picture in front of yellowcards bus without even knowing it! lol

around 8 we all creeped back to the gate...im the only not hung over one cus i didnt drink that much! BURN! lol hung out till the fucking concert....Escape the Fate was first on...they fucking rocked it out...and the fucking guitarist was so fucking hot! OMG! i got pushed around so much in that mosh pit....btu they are hot!

then we went to go check out the bottom stadum...walk about...go see I Am Ghost...they rocked it out too!!

so then me emma leigh and mandy just go sit on the feild...we could fully see the bands even though we were not in the mosh pit! i got to see and listen to quite a few bands...i got some recordings on my phone....

so it is almost yellowcard time...you know the band i wanted to see. i go to the stage a half an hour early...i get front center....fucking hell...it fucking rocked...i have so many bruises...but it is sooooo worth it! it was the time of my life!

after that i get to meet yellowcard and one of them signed my hand...which is still there...

then we are kinda crashing...but i still managed to talk to Max and Ronnie from Escape the Fate...and their merch guy....i get a picture with them and get Max to sign my shirt and hand....just kinda chill with them...totally chill

then it ended :( and all went down hill...long story short...i am at UBC completly alone...at 11 at night...so i talk to a bus guy and he finds me a hotel and i stay the night...come back this morning...meet this guy named Matt from port and this girl i cant remember her name...we fucking smoke pot on the ferry! lol...and now i am home...

and i could think of all the negative of this....the sunburn the money gone the cuts bruises the lost friends...(yeah anyone wanna be my new best friend lol :P ) but i dont want to...cus i would not take it back in a second...it was the most amazing thing to ever happen to me.

anyhoos i am really tired...chow all!

RIP

RIP Ian...fuck i cant believe it right now...we all miss you so much! i cant even think or put together words right now....i just...want to see you so bad and to wake up this is a dream...but its not and i miss you and i only saw you two days ago! and you were so happy and willing to live...that sounds like such a crappy thing to say but...i just dont even know...

i miss you hun!

HAPPY

CANADA

DAY!

4 posts till 400...

almost 400 posts...wow...thanks Amber...you got me completly addicted again lol


so i am feeling much better today....had a great chat with Jono...the actualy drummer for Solace Version (shameless plug lol) and it made me feel great...he made me smile and cry...and im better now....only took two days this time lol

but yeah...feel great...warped tour in three days! camp in a week!! wow...scary awesome summer is just beginning!

fuck

so i pride myself on being honest right?

well im fucking not...im not honest with myself and im not honest with other people!! im just so fuckin confused right now! i honestly dont know what to do...tell him i like him and make things akward forever or keep it to myself and get depressed every time he talks about another girl! i just dont fucking know right now...

i almost told him again...but i fixed that...apparently everyone knew that i liked him last night and he felt bad...so stupid michelle decides to tell him "no dont fell bad" and then right in the fucking middle of the convo my mother comes down with a phone call for me that lasts forever! and he is offline now...

i honestly dont know what to do...i've never been in this spot before. i hate not having control...expecially over my own emotions...last time this happened i didnt get out of bed for...a week? fuck....


help???

if this what he want and its what she wants, then why's there so much pain?

so last night was really fucking....ok...the good and bad balance out.

i got there early and to my suprise there is DAVID! yeah david...i gave him a huge fucking hug...and then i smacked him...and everything is fine between us...and that is that

then a few of us hung out...and then the band and more people came...

we screamed on the phone with the instraments and people in the garage for my emma leigh...it rocked...

party started around...10 ish...and then the band played...and that always fucking rocks...cept it had to be stopped twice cus of the pigs comming...but all worked out...stupid bitch next door needs to remove the stick from her ass and grow the fuck up and not call that cops ON A FUCKING GRADUATION PARTY!!!

so the band stopped...and i got really drunk really fast....and then some shit happened and im pretty sure i fucked things up with my friend...one of my good friends...and i missed a chance to talk to him...and i ignored him and i feel bad now...like really bad. i shouldnt have been like that....i dont start drama ... i fix others....fuck i feel horrible....

but aside from my own drama this time....it was really good...i finally got to meet the actual drummer which was cool....hes a real sweetie. and i met some cool new people and hung out with my bestest pals...so that was all good...

aside from the drama this party rocked...i cant believe my actions last night...its my own fucking fault...i should not have smoked any pot...i was already fucked enough and then i got moody after and pissed that he was paying more attention to another girl....fuck i just...dont know what to do....


TO ALL THE GRAD 07's HAPPY FUCKING GRADUATION!!! WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD BITCHES!!!

yay!

so it is just over a week to warped tour...i checked out prices today and the T-Shirts are only 18$ for the actually warped tour merch...which is good...and the hoodie was 40...im going to have sooooooooooo mch fucking fun .... i cant wait


im starting to get really excited about camp and just life right now...im still ont he wait list for my courses (some of them) but im ok with that now...i know things will work out. i got to just believe in myself and others that i can do this. i can live my dream. i can and i will...

im changing...im not the same person...and i dont think i will ever be that person again....im just to happy right now....

im going to go and watch a movie and chill the fuck out cus i rock like that!

so deep that i didnt even scream fuck me

t minus 11 fucking days till warped tour! fuck im excited

so i am covered in fucking face paint...the children had fun with the stuff today at "fun day" i also have hair dye in...the washable stuff lol...

i worked out the whole "i have no money" issue...my brother is going to loan me 150$ and i just have to buy him and xbox 360 which i want anyways lol lovely little bro!

i still need to find out how i am getting to warped tour...im thinking i know but im not sure...the forms are going off tomorrow so i can get my tickets..one thing off my mine :P

16 days till camp...holy eff! crazy times...i got more busy...add warped tour in there and im going to be busy from the 28th till the 5th...and i leave three days later...and i am sooo busy

i have something for girl guides tomorrow...sunday i have to make a cake...MONDAY I HAVE A DAY OFF!! WOOT! tuesday is rathtrevor for the little kids...wendnessday i am off again...thursday is last day of school for my sister and commencment party...then i get to recover from a hangover...then i have video game party...then canada day...then going over to the mainland...then warped tour...then home and someone surpise thing...then three days rest then camp...HOLY FUCK! i have 3 days to clean my house before my partys...fucker


anyhhos...i need a shower cus i am covered in yucky face paint stuff...tootles!

stop, turn, take a look around at all the lights and sounds

I GET TO GO TO WARPED TOUR!!!! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee fuck me i am excited! i won the nexopia contest to get these tickets! i had to make a "warped" picture and i won! omfg...its a little exciting!

so it was the perfect end to today...i got my tooth all fixed up...its all smooth and cool...and i went to ballenas...saw BJ for the last time...that was very sad but it was good...

so yeah...WARPED TOUR!

yay home alone!!!

i love being home alone and just BLASTING my music! it rocks!!!

so im pretty exctied for the comming weeks....i'm going up to bss tomorrow to see all the grads off...its might be a tad bit sad...last day for BJ as well...

then i have things with my sister school which are always fun to do

then i have the mother fucking commencment party...which is going to be the best fucking thing...gonna get drunk! lol

then i have my video game party then my party and canada day...which will also rock!

then i have a suprise thing for someone...which i cant say under pain of death....

then i go to camp and get paid...rock the fuck on!!

yeah im pretty effing stoked!

going to be a blast! this summer is going to go by soooooo fast and soon i will be back at mal with all the lovely theatre people doing theatre stuff....how could life get better?!

you can never fail if you dont give up

just watched Last Kiss...it was a really good movie actually...i was suprised...but then again...i LOVE Zac Braff....

im about to watch date movie...i need some funnies right now...my life kinda sucks

bryan is still missing...long time now...but im not giving up yet...

and i fucking chipped my tooth!!!! I am sooo mad...I have had my tongue peirced for 9 months and not chipped it...ive only bitten it once before...and now i have a stupid chipped molar and a somewhat chipped bottom molar...and they piss me off cus its rough and hard to eat!!!

anyways...this is my boring life!!!

I am sorry for any spelling errors

ho kay....

heres the deal...went to ballenas yesterday to chill before the show...fuckin hell i love my friends...we read cosmo...hung out in the green room...made fun of people...i got to run my lighting board again...stupid grade 9 class and their looking at the booth when lights are going out...yes dummy i know i am suppoted to put them out now...seee how it is getting dark!

anyways...so after school we all chilled...i filmed my part for BJ's video travis is making...i almost cried in the little short video clip...made me soo sad...

then we danced...and partyed like drama nerds know how to...and i got people to sign the book thing that i made...

the show was fantastic...even when the set feel down and the cell phone rang...they did great...and i am very happy to say that the show was a sell out...we filled every seat and them some at the theatre that only seats 100 people (we never open the back portion cus it is horrible...but we couldnt turn people down!!) so it was close to 300 people in this tiny little theatre...and they did fantastic...

so after the show...after curtian call...myself and some others went up to present BJ with the gift...and i fucking lost it...i started talking and then started crying...and not just little crying...i was bawling...and that started off other people...it makes me very sad that he is retiring...but he deserves his break...and MICHELLE GOT TO PUT BLACK BETTY ON IN MY BOOTH ONE LAST TIME!!! lol...that made me very happy. and then i saw brad and shanny, brad "gave" me the booth. he was the ballenas techie before I and it was very awesome to see him!

so after that...TIME FOR A PARTY! and no one knows how to party like I. I was drunk within the first 20 mins...i had vodka and 3 coolers in that first bit...and then just kept on drinking...i was so drunk...that little innocent me was groping people...and not just a little touch either...i was full on touching peoples crotchs...and boobs....and i got some good feels in there...but wtf...i dont do that but it is really funny anyways...i FINALLY got Darron back for putting the worm down my shirt...he got groped the most...

so anyways...today...got up with a but of a hangover adn quite a bit still drunk...insane i know! but yeah...went to KSS today...saw people...terrorized the school like usual...

and now here i am...a little bit drunk...a little bit scared of myself...and a whole lot happy !!!!!

Can I Be Somebody Else For All The Times I Hate Myself

soul searcing again...and i realized something...Im forgettable. i dont have amazing points about me that people remember. unless they get to know me.

i remember at the beginning of the year i was so excited to go back...and im kinda excited but more for the course...not so much the people. i dont deal with drama and all that stuff. im not accepted and i know that. i didnt let go of my past and i still havnt. im annoing and a child most of the time. i say things that make people dislike me. and it hurts to know people dont like me but i have accepted it now. its really not bothering me anymore.

im going to be so different next year that im not going to fit in even more. i dont smoke pot anymore nor will i be starting up again...im cutting back on my drinking and im quitting smoking...

im not going to be M next year...Im going to be michelle. Im not going to be the false people that i have made myself. I am going to be me...the girl, the christian, the music and theatre nerd. I am happy right now. Im lost but im happy being lost. I love who i am and who i will become. i am happy being me and if people cant accept that then i dont wish i know them at all. i dont wish to more then say hello cus i will be friendly.

screw all you who cant accept me. who cant see past my faults. who cant see past the fact that who i am today is a direct result of who i was, henceforth i wouldnt change the past for anything. screw all those who only see the outside of me without getting to know me. screw all those with think i am slow or stupid cus i have learning dissabities. screw all those who think i am hypocritical, stupid, ugly, lame or any other word i have heard used agaisnt me. I cant stand you people anymore. nor do i want to be around you low life people.


ok think im done ranting now. this is me...take it or leave it!

All I Am Lies Right In Front Of Me

brian is still missing...but apparently more clues are comming in to crime stoppers...I just want it to end...not knowing...i know the family is going through hell...they just wanna know one way or another....almost all my hope is gone...this has been hard...this whole fucking year has been hard. i go one step forward and two steps back...i finally am getting my head together wth corses and work and Neil dies and Brian dissapears...now i got the job and regester for corses tomorrow...what else could happen...

i know i shouldnt dwel on things i cannot change but its hard. its hard to be happy and cherry when you feel like your whole world could fall apart. that could have been my little brother out there....

i used to be so close to his family...its been 14 years and i still recognized his mom and dad on TV...i was 6 last time i saw them....god fucking damnit!!!!!!!

i just want to end sometimes...not die...just stop and think without anything else happening...just let the world stop and let me be for a second...


anyways....this is me right now...im not much fun at all...my mind is elsewhere right now...and it will be for awhile

The mission’s to fight to be free again, We have the right to be ourselves again

im a little lost right now...im torn between who i am and who i think i want to be....

i dont know how much this summer is going to change me...but i know it will. i know it is going to take me to a whole new place in my life...and i dont know if i am totally ready to be that person. whoever that person is.

i dont know why i have that feeling tha ti am going to change...but i really do. its the deep breath before the plunge.

brian is still missing with no information on him. its almost time to fear the worst....its been 10 days...for an 18 year old there isnt much to hope for anymore. i just want the sufferening of all his friends to stop. the facebook group that was set up for his being found is now over 700 members....

im not giving up all my hope yet....someone knows something and if they would only come forward and end this sufferening...

come home soon hun!!!

Please come home brian!!!

Moorecraft camp entrance!! (my summer job :D)

so...life...crazy busy again :P

i had track and field yesterday...i heart those kids...they are fantastic...if i dont get into theatre i am going to work with kids...

then i had the final band night for BSS this year...it was soooo bittersweet...the gradding kids are the ones i have played with for 6 years...im going to miss them sooo much...seeing liam and his amazing skillz and wyatt...man...but i did get to see the local jazz band thing...with some KSS kids...and liam...and boy...i know why i love musicians...soo hot....ahah and robbie was there who is my guitar teacher thing...so that was cool...lovin the fact that he played jazz...makes me a little happy...

so yeah...less then a month till camp :D wooooot!! my work schedual (if anyone cares) is as follows

July 8th till the 12th
15th to 19th
22-27
july 29 to aug 3rd
aug 8-10
12-17
19-24

so that is pretty much the whole summer...i have a camp every week for 7 weeks and i get paid byweekly...pretty cool if you ask me..i will be able to be contacted at the camp with my own box and my cell...plus...I GET KEYS!!! that makes me happy...cus i am never trusted with keys...i dont even know where my house keys are right now lol....or my bank card but that is my moms fault

haha i had to fill out criminal record check forms...made me a little scared cus im getting old lol

other then that...i have the BBQ next week...BJ's retirement show...going to kss and the sos...and spending time with friends...then i have emma leigh comming over the next week!!!!!!! (you better or i will kill you!!!!) commencment and then july 1st party and swimming and parade...just crazy times...

lovin you all!!! miss you guys!

~M

ps...photos of the camp (water front pictures!!)

working girl!

I GOT THE JOB!!! and yes i can call it a job...IM GETTING EFFING PAID!!!!!!!! getting paid to camp! fuck i love life! plus...my superviser is lorna's daughter....which is fantastic! i am very excited...

anyways...brian is still missing...im realyl getting worried now...

You'll Be In My Heart

dear god Brian...come home please!!

i dont like this waiting game...everyone on the news and all the police fear the worst...but i wont...cant give up hope! i soooo badly wanted to get back in touch with brian and his family...and i have been trying...please dont take away this chance i have in my heart!

i found my Ashley!! i cant fucking believe it! my best friend untill i moved...and she remembers me...she was my other half till i moved...

please come home Hun! you me and ash gotta party it up like we used to....you and your silly mullet!

Me and ash up in the top left corner and brian is the one in the middle of the bottom rown with the mullet lol

Even the Best Fall Down Sometimes

so today was basically one of the hardest worst days in awhile...

i couldnt sleep cus there were mice in the roof above my head which really isnt much of a roof...just a bunch of fiberglass panels...so i slept up stairs then when my mom woke up i took her HUGE bed...so that was kinda cool....

when i wake up from that my deck has been half ripped up...turns out there were rats living under the floating deck...so mom and me tear up a buch of the boards and leave it to call one of her friends who works in construction...she tells mom that it needs to be all torn up...but just as mom is about to get off the phone...i hear on the tv "burnaby 18 year old missing" ok so i listen...i grew up there and i knwo some of these kids...then the name bromberger comes on...me still not freaking out...maybe i dont know him...then they say his name is brian bromberger....ok so he is 18, and his name is brian....well that just about did it for me...brian was my best friend before i moved here....i used to walk to his house everyday on the way to school with my mom...and we would all walk together....i have been trying to find him for about 4 years now...i wanna talk to him so bad...and now...

i cant stop shaking right now...but i still had to finish the tearing up the deck...so we did...and i feel yucky still...so now i have to find a way to fix my fucking deck and pray that brian comes home safe!

please come home safe...i wanted to see everyone again but not at your funeral!!

hey your're a crazy bitch but you fuck so good im on top of it

so yesterday....i got on the bus at 7 ish after staying up all night watching videos on the titanic! so took the bus...to the high school and got to see people...then i got to go on the bus to vic! stupid school bus! it was sooo effing hot on that bus...but koool....got to eat at a&w for lunch cus it was soo close to the time we had to be there...when we got there we were a little late....but we got to see the imax...and i knew so much about the imax lol. james cameron went on one of the expiditions for his movie . and i could tell which one were cut into this imax lol. then we went into the actual musem and looked around...

and then i twas time for the titanic...it was amazing....when you first walked in to the exibit you got a card...i was Miss Kate Florence Phillips AKA Kate Marshall. I was 19 and i was sailing with Henry Morley. He was my boss who was married and he left his wife and child for me and we were running away. we were in second class. so when you talk into the exibit it tells about how grand it was and how it was built and then you walked past the 1st and 3rs class rooms. then you went to into the room where it told of how they lived. then you walked into a black room...with "iceburg warning" and the time...and then you got to the "sinking room" where there was a HUGE ice block with salt water...you got to put your hand on it...i got an ice burn after 3 mins...it hurt like a bitch...then you got into a "after the fact" room with the names of who lived and who survived. I lived but my partner didnt. i was pregnanat with his child though. they had an actual door in the end of the exibit...it was soo awesome!

so yeah...it was ana amazing trip...after wards we all went to commercial street and shopped. i got two tube tops and one rock star shirt. it was awesome! an then we came home.

yeah rock on!

you're mamma's so fat...she ate the dancing INSIDE the birthday cake

oh good times today....it was awesome...i am SOOOO tired right now so im not going to write more but i must say...if you have the chance go...it is amazing seeing the things that survived...there was a porthole in amazing condition...a shoe brush and a container for shoe polish....dishes...cloths, parts of the ship....


i promise i will write more...im just soo tired....it was a long day...

oh i also bought two hot tube tops that show off my tattoo and just look hot cus i can pull off green lol

night all!

slap you like a bitch and you take it like a whore!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!TITANIC EXIBIT TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOOOOOO EXCITED! i am dancing around my house right now...i cant believe it! and i get to take a SCHOOL bus again...god you have no idea how much i miss school busses...compaired to city busses they are soooo much better! and i get to see people tomrrow! which makes me smile...

other news....i dont even know who reads this anymore...but i have given up on love again...or even lust or like or anything that goes with romantic attachment....done....its just not worth my time to like someone anymore. i have accepted that i will be alone forever...probably living in a huge house with a bunch of cats...my standards are just to high and i will not lower them.

so yeah...crazy times of partys comming up...apparently there are like 3 at emma leighs in the next month....one at my house july 1st...and my birthday for sure! its going to be a fun summer....

what else do i have to say? not much...just really excited about tomorrow and given up on love...yeha that it :D

if i could be like that, i would do anything

doing beter today....its not as hard as Johns to accept...maybe im growing up...it still hurts but...i cant let it get me down like it did with john. I was hurting for soo long after he died...probably till about feb....maybe more...but its not so hard anymore...

life sucks...i have come to understand this...but when it sucks that means something good will come. and i am a stronger person for all the hardships i have been through


on a happy note! 3 DAYS TILL TITANIC EXIBIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG i am excited.....i cant even belive it....a whole day in vic with my best friend, her mom, my brother and kimmy and brittney....woot!! its going to be like i am still in high school....i cant wait...forget all my problems and just have fun that day!

other news...im helping with my sister school for the track meet. its pretty fun...im helping coach the long jump...got pretty sunburnt today for only 20 mins in the sun!! im going to be tan come sept! :D my sholders already are11111111111!!!!!!

waiting to hear from moorecroft...i think i will get it and be out of my house this summer

i am getting booked again...so many partys to attend and i probably wont be able to make half of them...unless i get rides...so that means nanaimo ones are out! sorry guys!

i get to go to the closing party for Nemo! and that is pretty exciting...partying it up with my drama people is going to rock hard core! its been to long since i been to a high school drama party...and yes they are totally different then the college ones! wooot ness!!

so yeah...life is pretty life right now....yes that is not a typo...life is going and i am keeping up with it!@

You Raise Me Up To More Then I Can Be

RIP Neil

I still cant believe that he is not with us anymore. Its another one that's going to take me awhile to get over. And learning more about him is hard. its like John and Sara again...I just didnt know them....which might be for the better but....

I learned today that his dad was first on the scene of the accident....didnt even know it was him. He was on his moterbike and i guess was trying to avoid a deer or something and lost control...died instantly.

Last time i saw Niel was at the fire at mandy's. He saved some of her cloths and let her have them that night (you're not really allowed to do that) He was a fantastic fire fighter....Everytime I saw him he was in his fire fighter shirt. He loved doing it and was proud of it.

he was a great actor to. he was soo scared to go onstage for 5th sun but he did amazing...

i wish i could remember more of him. thats one of my regrets, i have basically no memory of grade 10 when i did the show with him.


RIP Neil Murison...

Today I'm left here asking, where has all the time gone now?

so i did get to go into pville today....it was bittersweet...

i got there with big hugs from all...was sitting at burners talking to kathleen and she tells me that one of her friends died today...me and emma leigh asked her who...and she said Neil Murison..........i still cant believe it.....im in total shock..not another one? in the past year and a bit there have been...

~Patrick Golding...was beated to death cus he owed drugs dealers money
~Albeta John...suicide...May 25th 2006
~Sara Ebell...Car accident november 26th 2006
~Andrew Barbour...fishing boat accident
~Neil Murison...motercycle accident may 25th 2007

5 people in just over a year....now i have john's and neils anniverseries on the same day and Sara's 6 month tomorrow....i just cant take this anymore...who will it be next time?


RIP Neil...you were a tough guy on the outside but you were just a sweetheart under it all...

i dont want to be alone today

RIP JOHN....

i cant believe it has been one year already...

i was supposted to go into pville today but mother left me behind...and now i am home alone all day...well till 2:30

fuck i hate this!

once upon a time i used to play with toys, now i'd rather play around with teenage boys

ah hairspray...cant wait to see that!!!!

other then that... went to see my little sister in "barnyard" it was soo cute...it was a musical written by her music teacher....and all the kids in the school had to do a song with their class...and they were SOOOO cute! ^.^ my sisters class did cats...and there was this one girl who had a solo...and Holy she is good! she can sing and preform better then some people i know! i was soo impressed...she just finished doing the Little Mermaid...she played flounder...

i wish i could have done kids theatre when i was younger...i would have been so much more confident in my life that is for sure lol

other news...waiting to hear back from the camp. sent off my refrences...hopefully i will get the "job" i dont know if i am getting paid even i just wanna be out of my house this summer...in the sunshine and fresh air...and it has access to the ocean at the camp! so its going to rock!

thats about all i got guys...miss all who read this and all who dont!

when darkness comes i'll light the night with stars

so had the interview today...went good...they asked for refrences so I am taking that as a good sign. they were really nice...the one guy scared me a little but he was really nice. I find interviews sooo weird. One thing i hate is selling myself. i just dont like saying "im creative, im fun, im happy" that kinda stuff...it just makes me feel weird.

I am excited for getting this though. i think i have a great chance...they are really nice and it went well. i have more experance then most people my age with kids. and its a christian camp...so NO SMOKING!! no drinking no non christian things...they want me to be something of a "sports counciller" but more like a rotating person to work on all jobs around the camp like games and arts and crafts and campfire. I am excited. its going to be nice to get out of my house...

and NONE of the camps are on my birthday or either of the harry potter things !!! woot! i dont know about teddy bear but i think i am good. yay for me!

hey your're a crazy bitch but you fuck so good im on top of it

i cant be mad while i am listening to this song...all i can be is happy...that is all...

i am going crazy in my house...i swear to god i am going nuts...i cant stand this not being able to see people cus i live in the middle of fuckin nowhere!! which is the main reason i am hoping to work at moorecroft this summer...people! everyday! sun and summer fun...i cant wait...

yeah got nothing much...,im just missing doing theatre a lot right now...i keep saying random terms from stage craft and my family thinks i have gone insane...mostly cus i use funny terms totally out of context...i think my mom said something about "three-fer-four" or something (talking about prices of food) and i said "mom, there is no three-fer...its a two-fer....and i left the room...and went "wtf" god i am going insane...

anyways...im going to go and paint and watch titanic! LESS THEN TWO WEEKS TILL I GO TO THE EXIBIT!! EXCITED MUCH@!?!?!?!?