I like...Stolen From Martha

Start every sentence with "I like" nothing else. See how long you can go for, don't censor, write everything that comes to mind :)

I like living in Nanoose
I like going to college
I like growing up
I like the pretty snow
I like being able to go out of my house
I like being able to party this year
I like being able to drink this year
I like egg nog
I like being cuddle
I like hugs
I like kisses in the snow
I like kisses in the rain
I like kisses
I like waterfalls - expcaially the one behind my house
I like my cats
I like how my cats can always make me laugh and that they are addicted ot Cat Nip
I like my house
I like haveing my own basemant suite
I like emma - leigh very muchly
I like that we might be moving in next year
I like my old high school and my new school
I like my high school friends
I like how they know who i am
I like being bored enough to do this
I like being with people who care about me
I like that I have that with some people
I like being trusted and I like Trusting people
I like being me...and i wouldnt change me
I like being scared
I like being touched
I like that people dont know things about me
I like boys
I like my family and wouldnt trade them in
I like the glade moon lights
I like watching movies
I like tristan and isolde
I like Titanic
I like music...all shapes and sizes of it
I like finding new music and sharing it
I like finding a new movie and telling people about it
I like watching movies till 6 am with friends
I like playing video games till 9 am with friends
I like video games
I like the game tony hawk a lot
I like being able to kick peoples butts at video games
I like having my egg nog
I like acting
I like tech
I like backstage
I like that i am going to make it in this buisness
I like that i wont give up till im dead even if i say i am
I like my drive and will power
I like that i am stobborn and pig headed
I like being annoying and immature
I like how that makes my friends even more special to me
I like how I am finally over Chris
I like how I have people to thank for that
I like meeting new people
I like meeting people again
I like finding people i havent talked to since i was little
I like how i still talk to people from elemantary school
I like how pretty it is out my window right now
I like that i wont be stranded much longer
I like how i am going to go and play in the snow
I like how this went
I like my friends
I like liking things
I like the warm fuzzy feeling
I like the butterflys
I like being a little bit nervous
I like chasing my dreams
I like having people i have known forever in my life
I like me

bored bored bored bored booorrreeedd

step one in what happens when michelle gets this bored...take many useless web camera pictures which i will really never show half of them cus they are stupid dumb things...well cept emma...cus she already thinks i am a camera whore and a poser so i take them...show them too her and we both laugh about my sillyness...




step two...i go find many icons in which i share with my friends...like the one above i was going to post on Amber's nex but got lazy and decided to post it here


step three has no picture cus i am getting lazy...i watch movies over and over and over till i memorize them...like lotr and tristan and isolde (if you have not seen tristan and isolde i suggest it...sooooo good and really romantic...and come on...accents...and i did find a video clip...and song...and it is awesome and you shall love it...



step four...i write in my blog...hmmm how could i show this picture??

step five...i run around my house like a crazy person...speaking of which brb

alright im back...and i give you

step six...sleepy time...i sleep off much of my day so that i can make it go much faster and dream of a life where i am not trapped in this snowy hell hole...and i was going to do something tomorrow if i was home from school and i dont remember what that was again...something to do with outside...maybe pictures....i cannot remember...sleep will help

forget regret, or life is yours to miss

i just want to forget all of this...the memorial is sat at 2...i dont think i can go through another one...i just talked to my friend nikki who i got really close with after John died...and i told her...and i just couldnt talk...the words wouldnt come out...and that is how i feel now...everything i want to say is right there...but i cant...it hurts when i breath and my eyes are burning...i couldnt sleep last night...i just keep seeing her face everytime i closed my eyes. i cant lose people...i just dont let them go...and i dont know why but i cant...i get attached to people to easy...and i cant let them go after...im just so confused right now...nothing makes sence anymore...it is the same when i lost john...i forgot how much it hurt...how you just want to stop thinking and would do anything just for a moment of blankness....i dont know how people can lose people really close to them...like and aunt or uncle or sibling and parent...i would just fall apart...and if i lost one of my close friends...i think i would kinda die along with them....i feel like i have a vise grip on my chest...it hurts too much to breath...and it just keeps snowing...school is cancled tomorrow and so i am stuck agian...day six tomorrow...

not my fault

it is not my fucking fault i have not been to school this past week yet i am being blamed as if i am...just got an email from nabil saying that i have to make up the project cus i had no hand in writing the one we did and i am on my own...serously WTF!>! i have been stranded, and now screwed over. this week has been horrible on me...
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO SEE SOMEONE YOU KNOW ON THE NEWS DEAD!?:!?!?"!?!?! it is all over the fucking news hearing people talk about her like an object? huh do you? hearing all the people talking about how she died and showing pictures and showing where it happened and show them "rescue" her? no you fucking dont and it isnt fun. i WONT be there tomorrow i cannot get there and it is no fault of my own.

you know it is instances like this that make me think fuck it. fuck everyone. they are out for themselfs and screw me over. so this is it...i am done...if i fail cus of this project...then fine...i fail...im sorry someone died and i am snowed in...really am guys this must be fucking hard on you. you have my sympathy!

stuck: day 5

so really really really getting sick of my house....i need to get out of this house....or see someone...i tried building snow friends but it just wasnt the same...and its not as if i am sleeping in and enjoying my time here...i have been up at 6 everyday to see if the busses were running or the street wasnt ice or if the school was open...by the time i got up today (after sleeping till 6 in the morning checking the busses and such) by the time i wa suppoted to wake up (11) my mom said that the school was closing at one...so no classes today...if i have to walk to school tomorrow i will...or if school is closed anyone wanna meet me at the mall so i can at least get out of my house (i can get a ride with one of my friends tomorrow) i really need human contact other then my mom and brother and sister and my babysitting...loserific...i am so bored...im going to go and clean my room....god kill me now!!

RIP

RIP SARA EBELL....you were a great great person...i could talk to you when i couldnt talk to others...you helped me through Johns death and now you're gone...you were a great leader and a great listener...going to miss you forever!! no more randomly running into you...we will never get our camping trip...

She died yesterday after getting in an accident cus of the weather. she was found under a car and died of a heart attack from hypothermia. she was 46

sara...you will be missed...you were a great part of my life


i just keep updating this all the time...i cant get it out of my mind...and i am stuck at home...with my thoughts..which isnt good...the memoral is on sat which means no video...and im sure Sara would have wanted me to do the video but...i just cant...i knew her newfew long time back...when he was a wittly boy...he is the nicest person i have ever met...his whole family is....im thinking alot about them right now...i cant accept it to be true...looking at her picture and i can still hear her voice and her laugh...god this is hard

i do want to say thanks to all the people who have left me comments on here (amber and kaitlyn,,,thanks) and msn (chris...you're always ther when i need you)...you have no idea how much they mean...i hope i can get out tomorrow...i dont wanna be stuck here another day

i really am going insane

what is this?? day 4 stuck in my house without seeing anybody. i cant get off my street....it is a sheet of ice...so i dont go no where till something different happens...there is no for sure that the busses from pville are running...and it is too cold to wait for them on the highway...so...stuck....

My Heart, My Pain Wont Cover Up...

been thinking again...i HAVE to stop my bitching...i complain about everything...and i am starting to annoy myself...im not that unhappy...im really not...i was a lot unhapper before..but this last year changed me alot...this last year has been hard...and i have no problems with talking about it...maybe that is what scares people? im not afriad to talk about my life...there is nothing that i wont talk about...sure I've been through some hard stuff...but talking about it is a good thing...like moving here, going through the pain of growing up...and i went through that just like everyone else...im no different...i just learned to talk about it...i dont know if that is a good thing or not...i know i have great friends...i really do...i have people there for me no matter what...im that kinda person...people dont forget me easy...everytime i got back to parksville i remember that...so why cant other people see that? im the same person...i will probably listen better then anybody ever...i just sit there and let people talk...i keep people sane...dont know how...i just go with what i am told...im not as outgoing as some of my friends but im the one you can always count on...secrets go with me to the grave...i cant help helping...when i see fighing i try and help ususally fucking myself over...which i have done too many times...but i like being in the middle...i like helping...im a people person..i like helping people...maybe that scares you all? i can read people really well...i can see when people are trying to get attention and when they are really hurting...even if the "smile" is there. i read peoples eyes...a talent i have...i can read people really well if i can see their eyes...and dont try lying to me...i can see right through it. im worth peoples time and friendship so why is it im not getting it? why am i not getting what i deserve?

stuck...

i am stuck till the snow melts...that is all

I'd Rather Be His Whore Then Your Wife

guess what i just watched?? lol...that has nothing to do with this post sorry...im in a bad mood so i am going to bitch?? dont like it...fuck you!

so im pretty much sick of being left out...i dont know if it is just me ... but i get that feeling alot...and i never used to...not this bad...i always knew they would be there for me...at BSS i mean...im not to sure that mal people are...i have serous doubt...which is never good for me cus i tend to develope nasty habbits twards people *cough*sarah*cough* they just happen when i dont like the person/dont trust them...im a very trusting person at first...which is really werid...i trust people more when i first meet them and then either they gain more trust or they lose it...and i am a very harsh judge...it could be one comment...and frankly i am really sick of it. i've probably already fucked over anthing with people at mal cus judgements are made when you meet someone...and i wasnt me when i met people...well i was...but i was trying to impress...i was trying to get people to like me...i cant help that...well i can but it is hard and i was dealing with some harsh shit...that is no excuse but ... it made my mind completly off...i wasnt ready...i know that now...i again had to grow up fast...im still growing up...im trying at least...but i dont know if i can trust people enough to grow up...i just wanna start over...try it again somewhere else...i wanna go somewhere where no one knows me...i tried here but people still knew me...like nabil...and it is hard to break some things down...i am not the same person i was in high school...or even the beginning of the year...i've changed so much in the past few months...just remember me at the picnic...remember what i was like then? those silly things you guys made me do...even if i didnt know you now i would be an idiot cus i have learned how to be me no matter what...well at least every place out side of the theatre...im hopeing to bring something new to the group of people i work with on urine town...i have only worked with alleah and nabil...i want ... i dont want to say more friends...but i want different friends...not high school people...they are really starting to piss me off...cept emma but that is a different story...i guess what i am saying is i just want another chance...

in other news...i talked to my dad today...poor soul has chapped lips and scrachy hands...awe muffin...he didnt even fucking know we had snow here....idiot..how hard is it to turn on the TV...i also found out that my aunt is living there...it is my grandpa's place that my dad lives in...but i was supposted to move in when i went to school there...he thinks i can fucking affored rent if i move there...fucking idiot...squash another one of my dreams why dont you??? i HAD planned on going to the university of calgary after this...then NTS hopefully...or finding work in calgary...i dunno something...i wanted to move there but now i cant...jerk face...

tree go BOOM!!

so i kinda lost a tree today...a big tree...70-80 feet....stupid snow...got a huge chunk of my view back....i can see a lot of the water....but somehow now we got to get ride of the big tree....any ideas?? i lost power too...for about 4 hours...it was cold....and it might still go out...so that kinda sucks big time...im already cold...dunno...bored out of my mind...if the busses are not running tomorrow i will not be there...i cant get off my street...im stuck till the snow melts....oh well...i can catch up on my reading...lmao

over a foot and rising...

got lots of snow now...but everything is getting cancelled...like my meeting...and my sisters bday....and i still havnt worked on my essay!!!! arg...i will get there...but im pretty sure im going to lose power soon...the lights keep flicking and so does the TV...so im going to enjuy what power i have cus i am going to freeze when it goes out

what do i do when lighting strikes me?

stupid slush cray...it is no longer snow...just stupid BC snow...grrr
so now i am stuck in my house cus my mom willed it to happen...she didnt want me to go and look...fate somehow made it so i couldnt...stupid mother....i cant wait till i move out and then i can do what i want...i should start looking for a house...cus i really want to get out of here...and i want to move into a place with emma and brittelz...it would be the best fucking party house...i can already like see it...it would have to be three bed room...with a deck...and a room we could lock off with a TV and such...and then there would be a BIG party room..with my kick ass stero with the 3 cd changer and killer speakers...god i cant wait...we'll have comfy couches...cus i have like three in my house right now...and emma is always getting couches...it would rock...
so anyways...stuck here...probably going to work on my theatre history paper...cus i havnt started and i probably should...only a 1000 words so not to hard...i just gotta find the info...fuck it is cold here...that is another thing we need in out house...heat is a must...
i also have my rides for urinetown set...the directior lives three streets from me...can you say convienant?? (yes i can say it...i just cant spell it) i got my first rehersal tomorrow and the production meeting...i cant wait to see who i get to work with...tres excited....
and tomorrow should be good...if emma can make it...cus i have the coolers i was supposted to have today but am not..so i will have them tomorrow...durring my little sisters bday lol...oh well...

still love the snow...

but it really is working agaisnt me...stupid snow

snow snow snow

it is snowing!!!!!!!! woooooooooot!!! i heart snow....big fluffy snowflakes ...hearts snow!!

go go Joseph!!!

ok choir songs much??? today was great...so nice being around people i know care for me a lot...like ben...i serously think he would be there for me no matter what....which is weird...cus you would never really think we would be friends...but we are...and he is cool...so anyways...guitar players are hot :D lol we have people at the sos teaching guitar and they are pretty hot...and one of them can play really good....fingers flying everywhere...wicked cool....but i got taught by a girl named amber...and i can now play a *little* bit...and i mean a very littl bit...but i can read tabs...which are really easy...i learned the first bit to hedwigs theme from harry potter...which is so cool cus i can play it on the clarinet and piano and flute...and now guitar...same song...four different instraments...oh and trombone...so now five...coolio

if you need to crash then crash and burn you're not alone

its getting crazy again...i should not be drinking tomorrow night....tomorrow is John's 6th month...it really is getting easyer but i cant believe it has been six months...i can hardly remember last week but i remember this day as clear as snow. i'm really proud of my script that i wrote about it. it turned out better then i could have imagned...very happy about that.

happy stuff...well i talked to chris last night...and im over him...completly and certinaly over him. i was confused yesterday cus i was talking to people about moving on and i didnt know if i was ready yet..but i really am. im ready for someone more then he can give me. his heart belongs to someone else and i wish i could have gotten over him sooner...normally when he mentioned his girlfriend i would kinda cringe but yesterday...i smiled...i need someone new...he isnt who i want anymore...i love him dearly but he isnt right for me. he's to younge and he never really understood the theatre thing...

so yeah...im pretty damn happy about that...

lost in the darkness hopeing for a sign

today was a great day...it was a day of crazyness and descovery....totally spelt that wrong but whatever....i get to be in a movie and hopefully is going to lead to me quitting smoking...*crosses fingers* in going to need help on this guys...i really am...nothing else really eventful happened...well it did but going to keep that to myself and the few people who know...talked to Azusa on the bus today...and that helped...she has realy good advice...then i came home...and it seems like everybody updated their blog today...i had much new things to read which was awesome...then i got to marthas blog...and it reminded me how ignorat some people are...i always grew up to respect everyone no matter what their sexualiy/race/gender all that shit that parents should teach their children. i forget how some people didnt grow up that way...with my uncle being gay i learned how to accept those things....
i remember the day my mom told me...we were watching that thing about the purple tela-tubby being gay...and i was bitching about it...how it was soooo stupid that little kids wouldnt care....and then my mom said how would you feel if you knew someone gay...and i told her I'd be fine...and then she told me...i was fine...i still am...it didnt change anything nor will it ever...i have met some of my uncles partners....and i love them...he lost him salmon and i loved him too...i wear the necklace he gave me on my wrist all the time...His name was David...he died of AIDS....that blog really made me think...i remember the time my Girl Guide leader told me that AIDS was most commen in gay men...which is wrong...we got in a huge argument cus after that she basically said that all gay men have AIDS...i left in tears...stuff like that really pisses me off...i found out my uncle had AIDS from a friend of mine...that hurt me more a lot...i love my uncle more then my father...he has been living with AIDS since the 80's(see my connection to RENT now) i guess i am lucky to be in the theatre group...cus i really dont think i could be friends with people if they were not ok with gay people...

anyways...that is my little rant ...

So save your goodbye kiss, Cause ignorance is bliss

rawar...Im lost in my own head again...im confuzzed beyond belief...i worry to much about the future ... am i serously going to be able to make it in this buisness? I have a bet with Jesse, this kid from my old school, that i would be working on broadway in 10 years...well a year has almost gone by so 9 years from now...and i would like nothing more then to prove him wrong...but i was just thinking how fucking hard that is going to be...and how far from home that is...and from my friends...i can hardly be in the next town from emma-leigh...what the fuck would i do without her in a different fucking country? blah anways...3 updates in one day and im just about to go and post on my other blog with emma-leigh... it is called conception date and it is really fucking funny...or it will be...im going to have much fun with it:D anyways it is..

www.conceptiondate.blogspot.com

simple as that:D

busy once again

so im getting booked up like crazy again...friday and sat i have to clean my house cus of my sisters bday on sunday...then there is Ky's birthday sat night dunno if i am going home that night or the next day or...i dunno...mom would kill me if i missed my sisters bday but it aint my fault i now have a life...but she is already pissed off cus i have a production meeting on sunday at 5:30...which mom is driving me too...so busy busy busy...but i like being busy...i like doing another show...keeps me busy...and i do like being busy...and i am totally rambling...time to watch more One Tree Hill :D

not fair

why can i not be in pville right now? i hate being this far away from emma...it isnt fair...im supposted to be there when she needs me and i cant be! i wish i had a car or something and i would be...but no im not cus i dont go to that school anymore. maybe im not ready to be in college...i fucking love it but maybe it was too soon to leave ballenas for me...lots of people go back and maybe i should have. i really have not thought a lot of things through...like how the fuck im going to pay my student loan back...i dont work so i dont have money...i want to move out but again...dont have the money to do that...anyways....i wish the rain would go away cus it is making me depressed...and i love rain but there is just so much of it right now...

your life has just begun!

the days just keep getting better and better! :D today i was up really early but it was worth it cus today was fun :D i saw sammy on the bus which was great...and i was just in a good mood :D i get to ASM for Urinetown which is really fucking awesome...and i smoked a joint with my moms friend...it was a good day :D

i am too cool for words...

oh man...devin that is totally for you :P

anyways...i think i have said this before...but misha is back...i am totally confident she is now...and i have the hair to match her too...i guess i should explain

Michelle is well who i am most of the time...shes pretty normal...but likes to be by herself a lot...not really a fun person to be around and hence i tend to not like her much...usually has washed out hair colour

Miccie...she is the one with the funky coloured hair...the vibrant pink or the random of random colours...shes pretty fun to be around but really immature too...she laughs at words like Penis and Vagina...fun to be around when you want to be a complete loser

Belle is the really serous one...hair is the most normal but always really boring...not fun to be around at all

M...(this is a recent one) she tends to come out more at partys...in other words...the really annoying shy person who sits in the corner by herself all the time fretting about her life...not fun at all and usually you dont care about the hair cus you dont want to be around her

now MISHA! is the best...she usually has the almost normal hair but when you look at it it really isnt...like right now...the hair is normal colour...but when you look at it it still has blue in it and it changes with light...pretty cool actually. now the hair refects the person most here...you can look at misha and see a normal girl but you turn around and she is being a complete loser. she is confident and really cool to be around...you have not yet met misha...she likes to come out when drinking too...and shall totally be comming out later on

so yeah...dont get creeped out by that...it makes it easyer to name them...

woah man!

so i kinda might just have normal hair...or rather as-normal-as-i-get hair...what colour you say?? well wont you just have to wait...no it isnt close to my natual hair colour nor will it ever be...i hate my normal colour...stupid dirty blonde...it is so boring...but w.e it is new and pretty

Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?

woot panic! at the disco!! fuck i love music! ho-ok in a weird mood again...i love these moods...they make michelle happy...muchly happy...is that even a word?? muchly...going to go and look it up...no it isnt...well that is depressing...it sounds better then much...or most...it just is kooler....haha i need my own dictonary...cus i am that coolio...wow useing non-words left right and middle..:P
what i told you i was in a weird mood...something in the orange juice maybe...or the fact that MY MOTHER gave me a pot cookie...oh man...good moods are great...i'm think it is time to re-dye my hair...it has been so long...i need more colour...what i was thinking is just getting a whole bunch of random colours and letting my friends put them in...or i might let carole(my best friends mom...) do the fire thing she wanted to do...doing red yellow and orange ... i think it would be cool...but i do need something different...but i have no money for hair dye which sucks...ok random much? see there is a good spot for much....but i think i am going to go and listen to dane cook...he has put me in this great mood...

maybe i update too much??

yeah i think i do...but wahtever...here is something i stole from kaitlyn...you fill in 100 random things about you

- i hate moths...with a firy passion
- i hate the way i look 99 percent of the time
- i miss band classes
- Johns death is getting easyer...even though it is 6 months in a week
- i was actually blushing over someone last night
- i dont blush><
- i want braces but my mom cant afford them...so i hate to smile
- i love my fingernails
- i want more piercings
- as much as i hate my dad...i still love him

- i have only been out of BC four times...3 of those to alberta
- i like to shock people
- my dog has a cone on his head
- i write with my right hand but i do most other things with my left
- my eyes change colour depending on my mood
- i wish i could just fly sometimes
- im really obsessed with The Titanic...my dream would be to go down and see it
- im still scared of the dark
- i do NOT like thunder and lightning...i get shivers thinking of them
- i spend way to much time playing video games

- Piercings are my biggest turn on
- i have never been on a rollercoaster
- i have never been to a concert
- i love being kissed in the rain
- i like feet
- i dont like chest or back hair
- i live by the saying "no pain no jain"
- i love old shows like married with children and 3s comapny
-i dont like the song i am named after
- i miss being able to sing

- i read and write fan fiction religously
- im really scared when it comes to asking guys out
- in fact...i told someone i loved i didnt and just laughed it off and never talked to them again :(
- i want nothing more then to find someone to love
- im not a good kisser...im pretty bad actually
- i lost my virginiy at 12 to a guy i dont even remember while drunk
- and i dont regret it one bit
- i love just standing in the rain and singing
- i love the rain in general
- im a leo and it fits me perfectly

- i read a lot...i love reading and escaping
- i dressed up for the last harry potter movie and i am doing it again
- i wish books were reality
- i dont like meat but cant go without it
- i love the oc and 7th heaven and girly shows like that
- under it all...im really girly and preppy
- i love pink
- i am a HOPELESS romantic
- accents are sexy...i'd die for someone ausi
- i love how romantic a day in the snow is...and then a fire after ward...

- i cant wear contacts but i can touch my eye
- pink is a normal hair colour for me now
- i need a job very bad but am scared to fail
- 2nd biggest turn on...band boys (trumpet and drums being top)
- i love stupid comedy
- nerds are hot
- clay aiken pretty much rocks
- watching movies is my fav thing to do with people
- i love spending money toooo much
- i wish i could quit smoking...i would give anything to

- i love having my back rubbed
- i really dont get out much...but i want to
- i sometimes forget how hard it is going to be to make it
- i did at one point have normal hair
- i used to be a "goth"
- i forget that to other people being on stage terrifys them
- i just like being with people
- i think cheating is the lowest of lows ever
- i regret a lot of things but try not to
- i love my family but you will never hear me say that

- I'm a Leo.
- i love my eyes
- i wish i could read minds
- i tried writing a song when i was little and sang it in front (well too)my crush
-i think about sex just as much as boys
- im excited for new years ...
- i've never had a real new years kiss
-i've been alone on valentines day every year
- im trying hard not to be this year
- i love the name chris...dont know why

- im afraid to drive and shake when i do
- i really want to go to europe
- i've never been to disney land
- i've kissed more girls then guys
- i've never been cuddled to sleep...
- i love anime
- i get way to involved in TV and movies and books
- i miss being a rebel
- i honestly dont hate anything
- well...cept things that cant hurt me

- I love degrassi
- i wish my life were a soap opera sometimes
- i love acting but dont think i am very good at it
- i hate making people annoyed
- i love movies theatres...
- if i dont like you when i meet you...chances are i wont ever like you
- i find odd conections with people
- i've never had surgery
- i've never broken a bone

too much fun:D
- i've never had stiches

MISHA IS BACK!

grrr i hate computers ... had this big long entry up and then...POOF my computer decides to fuck up and now it is gone!!! ...ok sum up....band guys are hot...i loved my band and miss it mucly...expecially the half naked boys and their hotness...me emma and brittelz should totally move in together cusit would totally rock everyone socks and oh yeah MISHA IS BACK!! now what does that mean....well the person you guys thought you knew was not me...or was me but not me but was,...i dunno too confuzing and now ... the old me the fun me and ME me...is totally back....and i like it!!

and what else...oh yeah i got a totally awesome video up on youtube...me emma and mandy got bored one day and this came out...yah enjoy!!

36 hours and climbing

so i have been up for 36 hours now...insane right?? i think not! i do this all the time...all this coughing is making my tongue ring hit my teeth and they hurt...and so does my finger cus i burned it on a smoke...but alas today was ok...who am i fucking kidding!??!?!!?!?!?! it was a fucking blast...

i didnt really even know i was going to go till about 6 this morning...but i decided...and i went...first of all to my old band class...which was SOOOO weird..they sound good though...nothing like when i was there of corse! but when that was over i went outside the auditorium...to many screams and tackles...none to be beaten by emma leigh when she saw me around the hall...i got a scream and a tackle to beat all!! it was wonderfull...so i chilled with my old crowd...which some of the highlights include the shirtless after noon...dane cook...storys of sex...hey it is a green room what do you expect :P so after that went to their play practice...which was soo good...it looks amazing...i cant wait to see it...my little boys are all grown up(meaning the grade 9s when i was in grade 11...worked with them since midsummer...and they have come so long) it was so much fun...then i went to the sos...with more people screming and trying to kill michelle with screams lol...and so many people i havnt seen in forever...like patrick....we are tight...that if for sure...we played pool and he only beat me by one ball...and nate who actually picked me up when he saw me...it hurt...i have many bruises from today but i love it...i got to make fun of people, wrestle, and fight but they all still love me :D

so a fun day!!

old memories...new friends

it is kinda weird how when i am with the mal people i want to talk about the BSS people and when i am at BSS i want to talk about the Mal people...am i just fucked up? it seems really strange to be here right now...i dont even know why i am...maybe lack of sleep....or maybe i am trying to figure something out...and i might have done it already. i know i rant and rave about a lot of things and i thank you all for putting up with it but...here it is...i need people to need me. that is why i like comming back here...i like being able to help people and make them feel better. today i have already talked to two of my friends about their problems with school and home and i feel like i have a purpose in life again. i want to go on with this even though it may be hard. i need to have people rely on me and to notice when i do little things...it may be asking alot...but it is what i need....

the truth will free your soul

so maybe what i needed was a little time off...cus everything seems to be comming to play...things are making sence in my mind. hence why i am posting a lot. im figuring things out and it is making sence...

1: i live in a fantasy world.
2: im so immature...
3: i judge everyone and dont expect judgement back
4: i think i know more then everyone
5: i make snide comments but cant back them up
6: i make WRONG judgements
7: i try and make people like me
8: i will do anything to better myself
9: i feel alone most of the time cus it keeps people out
10: im an attention whore...i will do anything for attention
11: i lie a lot
12: i wanna fall in love but dont want to take the risks
13: i do things to fit in
14: i am clinically depressed...but a lot less then i let on
15: im not who you all think i am...im a fake

so there you go...no more 15 statements about other people...here are 15 honest statements about me...and im going to do something else...im going to make 15 honest statements about other people...but im going to make them all nice statements...and im going to put peoples names...the walls are down...im breaking them down and being honest

1. emma-leigh...what is there to say about you that i have not already said? i love you

2. Martha...no matter what you have been there...you know what i went through and you were my support for the last little bit

3. Jill...you are amazing. again helping me with the whole stupid thing. one of the few who knows me...you always make me feel better

4. Devin...you rock my world...we talked alot in the beginning...and you are there for me...

5. Amber...you always make me laugh...and you are totally fun to hang around with...you were the one that invited me to the picnic where i met everyone

6.Courteney...i would not be the person i am today if not for you. you taught me how to stand up for myself and not take other people crap.

7.Jo...you were right...he dont hate me...but thanks for listening to me...and for being there

8. Ashley...we totally got to hang out more...those bus rides were so much fun

9. Nikki...i love talking to you in your car...we share a lot of the same ideas and i really appreciate the talks

10:Alleah...all i can really say is thanks...

11. Kaitlyn...you were the first one to talk directly to me at the picnic...and i will never foget that..i was so scared and you made it easyer for me to talk to the others

12. Rick...you have no idea how much you helped me since i met you...you helped me see i was hurting myself and you are always there with hugs when i need them

13. Geoff...i dont really know you that well...you seem really awesome and you drive like a crazy person...

14. Chris...what havnt you done for me?

15. this is a general note to all cus i dont have any more numbers...just cus you are not on here dont mean i got nothing to say...i really do appreciate every word you guys have said to me cus im not easy to talk to...every hug and every thing. heart you all...

it feels very good to get this all out...i dont know how much more i can say here other then heres the song that inspired the post...and of corse it is an AMV :P

WHY!

GOD WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SICK NOW?!?!? so lame!
anyways...feeling really sick...but my head and heart seem to have worked something out...they know who they want...now to find a way to get it...but there is still a problem...i dont want to be tied down but i do...let me explain

it would be great to have someone there 100% when i needed them but...im only fucking 18...i still want to have fun...im not saying i want to be a whore but...new years party?? god...see dissagrement again...damnit so close...

i cant believe it

it's finished...i didnt think i would get it done but it is...i cant belive how good it feels to be done...i feel like all the pain i felt in the past is in this script. it feels good to ge tit all out :D

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/41845663/

check it out guys.,..

grrrrr

so my head my heart and my body is giving up on me. my head cus random thoughts are going through many different thoughts of giving up and then switching and going on....my heart cus it still wants someone and wont give up but again the head is making so i dont get it...and my body cus i can bairly make it off my couch without passing out and hitting the floor in pain. my shoulders are so sore i can bairly sleep at night...it is almost the end for dear michelle. i want to be better at everything. my head heart and body need to stop being so blah...i want to do these things....but it isnt working. i want to go out and party and be a teenager but i think my past is making it so i cant. i think i partyed my self out at 12...which is really sad. i cant hold alchol like i used to...i get sick off of vodka for christs sake...god...it just isnt fair...

god

this is so hard to write this script. i have been working on it for 3 months now...it is the longest i have ever worked on anything before. im now into the film format of the writing course and it is so different then play version. there are so many more things i could do with my script. i could have a huge battle scene in it. which just isnt possible onstage.

im so done

i think my body has given up on me...i cant even move well right now. my whole body is sore and i cant breath well and my nose is all yuck....no cool at all...so it looks like i wont be doing anything this week. which totalyl sucks cus i am missing so much this week. very not cool. also...these few days of have made me think alot. i dont know if i want to do second semester ... i really like it but i just dont know if i can handel it anymore. im stressed to the max about nothing...gack...breathing time...

so

IM FUCKING SICK AGAIN!! grrrrr...that is all

feel like dancing?

damn i cannot wait till new years!!!! i know it is so far away but i cant effing wait. getting crunk with my pville kids!! ...o.o did i just type that ?!?!?:S i didnt do it!!!>< lol anyways...i am really excited cus em and me have a deal...and i think i know how it will work out. see me and you know who will sit on the one side of the door.. (you know who i mean...and im not picky either...i will take both if i can lmao...damn they are fucking fine) and you and you know who (and it better be you know who cus if it any other you know who i am bringing you know everyone into the room) and me and you know who(or the other one) will "sit" (depending on how much alchol i have in me) while you and you know who (you dont even need alchol for this) do you know whats. (wow i hope that makes sence...cus it does to me) anyways...i better get one of them...but which one would be easyer??one has a girlfriend which i am sure can be forgotten after a few drinks...and the other one...is just plain HOT...lets go with that one cus it would be easyer...and hotter...and i am totally rambeling...and oh GUESS WHAT EM! david is planning on marrying your sister and i get to be the priest :D yeah i know... but i wanted something to do lmao...im pretty sure i just broke my space bar too... it doesnt move up and down anymore but i can still type on it...it is just weird...oh yeah...you know what else i cant wait for?!?! SKINNY DIPPING AT MIDNIGHT IN THE FREEZING COLD WATER!!!....wow...going to need a lot of alchol

so pretty much no body is going to understand this...so just pretend it never happend :D

thats IT!

im done being someone else...from now on...fuck it! im going to be me...if i am hurting you will know...if i am pissed off you will know...and if you dont like it...fuck you. there are people who love me as i am .... too bad most of them are still in high school but they love me. im sick of the comments i am getting as if people know me. you really dont. there are only a few of you i have opened up to...those people i give full props to cus im not an easy person to get along with. but i am an amazing friend. how many people do you think will listen to someone for 12 hours on the phone and not judge them? yeah me...and i have done it twice...just listening to people cry. how many people stick up for people they dont even like? done that too..i am a good person and a good friend and i am sick of people not seeing this and judgeing me on the spot. that is all guys...i've snapped.

GOD DAMN THEM ALL!

ok so that was it. we had closing. it was sad. ok ok...getting to the detail.

so started off normal...we all went to the green room and waited...as people started comming in you could feel the energy...it was great :D so then comes warm up and getting dressed. goes all normal...but the show fucking rocked at everything!! i fucking loved it. i loved who i worked with too...you all rocked my life!! fuck it was great. so after the show...we got to take it all down. which may have been the funniest thing ever!!! i got to actually break the flatts i built...wonderful :D...

so then it is party time...and once again...i would love to tell you all the details but I DONT REMEMBER THEM!!! haha everything gets fuzzy about 2 in the morning...and i dont remember much after that...i dont even remember passing out till i woke up and realized...i was asleep...it was freaky...so now i am sitting here...drinking my eggnog mocha...yummy

if the angels came I'd fight them back to win your soul

so...closing tonight..it is bittersweet. this is one of the best shows i have worked with and i dont want that to end but...i need sleep :P...and i need my other friends too. as fucking awesome as you all are...i need a break...

so today...has already been really busy....i went to the rememberance ceremony in pville as always...but i got stuck in charge of handing out poppies and programs...which was crazy...and the cermony seemed to go on forever this year...i was so tired standing there...but i am home now...and im going to rest a bit before the show cus i feel like crap. so see you all tonight :D

So deep I didnt even scream FUCK ME!!

wow random titles much :D so im pretty ok...just ok right now...i was weird today...i dont know what was wrong but...i dunno...off maybe? there are certian things i am really getting sick of (see below post) and they are starting to get to me. im pretty excited for this show to be over...it has been weird..in the sence it is soooo different then the other shows i have done. that kinda weird...im going to be so busy soon. i have like four shows and such. they are all vollenteer but i really want to do all of them...all are going to be back stage too...i am so very excited to be working with court on sleeping beauty...going to be a blast...and i cant wait till "a night at the palace" fuck that is going to be a blast!! (hey court...can michelle be head tech this year :P ) so very excited for those...i want to do some acting though...i kinda miss it.

but anyways...got other stuff to do and i have a rememberance thingy to go to tomorrow :D

i leave you this something fun

"open up google.ca and type in "you name" needs and post the first 5 things"

1. Michelle needs your help
2 Michelle needs every advantage possible to attain this goal
3 Michelle needs to move on with someone else since Tony’s no longer around (lmao...funny on many levils)
4 Michelle needs to just shut up. (very true guys)
5 Michelle needs to come to terms with the fact that her only talent is being angry. (oh man)

i could be at a par-tay...

but no....i had to almost pass out...so i am at home...resting cus...i suck. i am so emotionally and physically worn out. i am sick of being someone im not. i am sick of the snide comments i get from a certian someone. i miss not being hugged and cuddled with. i hate when i am ignored. i hate when people think im someone im not. i hate when i try to make people like me. i hate liking someone. i hate not being able to do anything. i hate listening to a certian someone talking about girls. i hate not seeing emma-leigh everyday. i miss david and cant wait to see him...and maybe hit him. i hate getting those looks you give me like im completly stupid. i hate people talking to me like i am an idiot.

wow...that feels better....and not i am going to do the 15 friends thing cus there are something i want to get out....

1: i love you with all my heart. you are my best friend and are always there for me. i can trust you with everything and you are always there for me. i miss you like crazy and cant wait for you to be at mal next year!! (hmmm i wonder who this could be :)

2: you will probably never figure this out but i like you. i dont know why i do but i just do. it is a recent thing that i cant get out of my head. it makes me happy when you talk to me. i wish you knew but dont at the same time.

3: you look at me sometimes and i just want to hit you. are you like this all the time??? or are you just an asshole to me?!? you're always really snappy at me and fuck...you just annoy the crap out of me!

4: only two months and i feel like you are one of my best friends. you fucking rock my life!!

5: my lovely smoking buddy. we have far to much in common deary...but i love you for it. you are probably my closest friend in the theatre program.

6: haha i have known you TOO long...i cant believe i met you again this year. crazy man...crazy

7: you're one of my fav people. we were pretty damn close at the beginning of the year but that is kinda going away. you told me secrets and i told you them. i know i can always count on you!

8: i wish you didnt do those things. you hurt me more then i have ever been hurt. and it still hurts to think about what i saw

9: you were the first person to talk to me this year...and you gave me a tour of the campus...you are crazy awesome!

10: you me and fernando!! im always here for you and you are pretty much awesome!

11: drama groupies DO rule the world...thats it

12: we drinking buddies. i am so very jelious of you most of the time. i know you cant help it but...i really am. but i know i can count on you to give me a hug every 26th...and that means a lot to me

13: conversations are never akward with you...even though we have only talked once or twice...there was no akwardness...which i tend to get alot...

14: we bus buddies...even if we have only taken the bus together once...it was a fun day it twas :D

15: im sorry i cant be there for you anymore. i have to give up and move on. i wish it could have worked out different. i still care for you with all my heart...but i just cant keep up this game you play with my head anymore. it drives me nuts. you will always be my shrink...but you cant be in my heart anymore :(

so there you go...im pretty sure no one is going to get theirs...cept maybe two...and em...you can probably guess most...but dont type it on here...i really dont want some peopel to know some of them. just remember guys...i love you all

very tired

so i am beat tired right now...but meh...i will live....i am bored right now so here is something i stole from Jilly

10 Songs That Have Relevance In My Life Right Now

1, Congraulations by blue october...
it is just so mellow and it makes me want to cry cus it reminds me of John but in a good way...it has some really nice harmonies and it makes me think of falling in love...and losing lose...

2, Away from the sun - 3 doors down
"its down to this...i've got to make this life make sence" umm talk about how i feel all the time!!

3, I cant get no satisfaction - rolling stones
again...self explanitory :D

4, set me free - casting crowns
yes i know...it is a christian song...but guess what...Im christian... "set me free of the chains holding me, is anybody out there hearing me?" god...it may be a christan song but it certinally works for most people i know

5, I want to know what love is - clay aiken
*dodges thrown shoes* yeah yeah...sappy i know...but again...i feel like this alot. i just wanna know what it is to be in love

6, I wont say I'm in love - disney
ok another one i know...but i love this song...i play it over and over and over...god...im a sap

7, lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off - Panic! at the disco
i fucking love this song...and as i am a teen...i can relate to it...

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls

Dance to this beat

And hold a lover close

Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster

Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster

8, how long - hinder

"why'd you go and break what is already broken" i love it...i have friends who do this to me...break me down more when i already feel like shit *cough*David*cough*

9, to where you are - josh groban

i love his voice and it makes me think that the people i have lost are still here with me

10 Hate me - blue october

you should have seen this one comming...it is one of my fav songs and it just fits with my life "hate me for all the things i didnt do for you" i cry evertime i hear it...but it is happy crying now

the sex is so much better when you are mad at me!

fuck today was the best fucking time ever!!! i had the show today...and it was basically "oh drat i have to get up early for the show...not cool right?? we no...i went into BSS (cus i went with my mom to drop my brother off at band) and i decided to go in...i went in there...the whole band stopped...yelled MICHELLE!! and kimmy ran and huged me...i was talking to the teacher about my show and someone in the class said "im comming today...we're going with drama 12" and i was like WTF!?!?! cus they were not supposted to come till thurs...well...GUESS NOT! lmao...so that made my morning much better...i was so excited i was basically jumping on the bus...so we went about buisness...untill warm up...when the door got opened and who do i see in the lobby??!?! BJ!! it almost killed me not to run up and hug him...i wanted too so bad and i wanted to see all my old drama kids!! i have missed them so much!! as we were doing curtian call i got too see where they were all sitting...all in the front row ofcorse! lmao...so i come out for curtian call...and they just start cheering ... and it made me happyer then i have been for a long time!! i saw emma just cheering and jamie and kelcie were looking at me like "jump off the stage and come and see me damnit!" literally...it was hillarious...but great...so then i go offstage...by the time i am in the green room i am half undressed...i whip out of there into the lobby and run straight into emma...BIG HUGS! then i got double teamed by kenny and billy...who are like a foot taller then me so it was funny! :D i got lots of hugs...i ever got a comment from kelly...who told me last year girls couldnt build sets...he said to emma "damn i wish i could build sets like that" i was like AHAHAHAH YES!!! it was great...so then we convince BJ to let emma stay at mal with me...and we have fun...,it was like old times (which pretty much means we will both be emo/depressed come next week lol) but it was great...we hung out...and i introduced her to theatre people...and stuff happened...naimly theatre people comming into public...lmao....so then we went down to subway...and meet Alex...emma's BF...and he is told to drive me home lol...so we went in his car...and it is a piece of shit!! but the best car i have ever been in...it BAIRLY made it up the hill to the highway...so we are at the top of the hill and alex's friend lights up a joint...i dont pass up free pot...so i had some...so im a tad stonned...it is rather nice :D but aanother friend is in a car beside of us...so alex's friend in the car decides to try and pass the joint to the other car...while driving...so lets just say it was crazy but we did it....and now i am at home...there are parts of this i have left out which are between emma and me...but it was great...great day!

love...

so i just watched the Notebook...god i cry every time in that movie...it just makes me think of love...and how bad i (and every other girl out there) wants to fall in love. my grandparents had that. i just want to find love like theirs...my grandparents were split up but they still loved each other. my grandma died first...and (as i am told...i was like 6 when this all happened) that my uncles would let her husband go to her funeral...when they finally gave in...and were in the process of getting him to the funeral... he died...my mother and i didnt even know that he was on the way there till a few years ago...both of us just thought that he had died on that day...but he didnt...he died going to her...i miss them so much...i hate how i bottle everything up till it all bubbles up...i keep my pain so deep that when i watch movies like this i just cant stop....when i start crying i cant stop...untill i phically cant cry anymore...and i am getting to that...my chest hurts... (and no it isnt my boobs hurting lmao) i gotta stop doing this....it cant be good for my health...i basically live every day in fear that i dont lose anymore people...my grandfather my only living grandparent) just had a stroke and he will never be the same...my uncle has been living with AIDS for 20 or so years now...and he is pretty much dying...he looks sicker and sicker every fricking time i see him....all my cousins are drug addicts...(hence why i HATE drugs) and my dad...well....he looks horrible...i can see him dying slowly too....which is why i cant hate him...damn i thought i was done crying...but i guess it just wants to come out tonight...

well anyways....i am really ok guys...just hurting right now...but it does go away...it hurts more then others right now. i loved talking to Alleah today...cus like i said...she understood...she told me somethings that were like mirror images of myself...which made me feel like i wasnt so alone at mal...i know i have people there to count on...but im a girl of connections...and me and alleah really connected...or at least i think we did...

so...

i think i am pretty happy. today was pretty good...one of the best in awhile...hung out with theatre people and chilled...talked about random things...like injurys...which makes michelle feel like less of an idiot :P lmao...got to see where brianna worked...fucking awesome place...went to the mall...saw a few people i have not seen in a bit...saw sean and mike...yes yes emma...sean from camp :D fuck that guy is totally awesome...i miss sunrise :(...8 more months :'( *dies a little inside* and then i saw Chirs...and i dont know why it hit me now but...guess what em...I AM FINALLY OVER HIM!!!! nothing that i used to have for him was there today...i dont know why...something changed between last time i saw him and now. we were our old selfs...or he was...but i was different...it was weird...like really weird...i dont know when it came about...it just is...i think it was today that it happened too...or maybe it finished it off...cus i have been wanting to see him for a bit...to see right? so...i dunno...

but anyways...yeah today was great...talked quite a bit with Alleah about how we grew up...we had pretty close childhoods...so we get each other in that sence...it was nice...really nice...

so it was a pretty happy day...cept for one thing...david is comming back and no one told me...dovina told me today....im not reaay to see him yet i want to see him SOOOOO bad...i miss crazy david...but i want to hit him cus he hurt me a lot...more then anyone has pretty much...cept my dad but that is another story...so i dont know....i will see when i see him

damnit ... not AGAIN!!

fuck!!!!! that is all i have to say to liking someone. i hate it very much. those stupid butterflys and shit...i dont even know where this one came from...it just kinda popped out of no where...and it is really weird...cus when i met this person i NEVER thought i would like them. shows how much my heart listens to my head (yes emma you dont know...i figured it out...and if you tell ANYONE i will kill you! :D ) anyways...no i am not telling any of you...cus i dont think i want anything to happen...i dont even know yet...gack i hate this...all my life i have had dissapointment with guys...so i jsut dont wanna try anymore...i dont want to like anybody...just for once...but that never happens...nope my stupid heart just wont listen to me...oh wells...

in other news...i hate iPods...i have two and neither of them are working at present time...and it is pissing me off...one is frozen on the main screen and wont play music..(that one is my BRAND NEW nano :( ) and the other one has no battery even though i have been charging it for 2 hours... (that would be my mini...) fucking things....

oh sigh

ever feel like just giving up? im at the end of my emotions and i am going to snap soon. faking that smile ever day just so people dont ask "whats wrong" i fucking hate that question. sometimes i dont exactly know what is wrong. it just IS wrong. thats how i get. thats what it is like to be bi-polar (it fucking sucks...and i DONT want to go on meds) i used to think it was just teenage depression but it really isnt. god why am i like this? Emma gets happyer then i have seen her in a long time and i get fucking depressed. it just isnt fair to share a brain. i just want thursday to be here and i want a BJ talk...i miss those so very much...and to see Kenny and Billy and James and all them. i miss my boys!! boys that were always there no matter what. and emma...we never had to explain what was wrong. it was just wrong and how the fuck do we fix it? i love my new friends but they are not the same. i feel so young compared to most of them. i JUST turned 18....but most of the time i feel older. i been through a lot. not saying that other people havnt but i have been through enough for me. how many people do you know had been to more funerals then birthdays before they turned 10? when i went to Johns funeral people kept saying "i have never been to a funeral before" Johns marked my 14th funeral. they dont get easyer...and i am going to have to go to more as i get older. i dont think i can. i have such a hard time letting go. something in my brian doesnt want me to let go. which is why i cant let go of friends or old habits or anything...

oh boy

so my mother is comming tonight...and im kinda worried...she is so critical about acting cus she used to act in high school...so she notices when people fuck up...more importantly when i fuck up. but im excited for my little brother comming. i want him to get into acting...he is so good (if he wouldnt laugh at everything funny) i really want my dad here....cus he has never seen me onstage....he used to drop me off then go to the bar and pick me up after...and he realy doesnt like that i am doing theatre for a living...my mom loves it...i dont think he does at all...

anyways...i am going to go...stuff to do...tea party today :D

trying to be happy...

i'm going to make this short and happy...hence the shortness...i dont feel happy at all...i miss people terribly...Emma-Leigh, Chris, David, and the high school crew. i miss how uncomplicated all those problems seem now. like the "oh no this boy does not like me" *tear* i miss when that used to be the extent of my problems.

so happy...well the show went awesome tastic!! it was brilliant. i got to talk to emma before hand...we had our normal laughing fit...all cus michelle says something totally out there (ewww conception date!! lmfao!!!!!!!) but i got in trouble for not signing in (i thought i had till 7...nope 6:30...well now i know) so then the show happened...then the after drinking ness...and since i hadnt eaten all day or the day before...i was pretty drunk after two coolers...and they were vex...whatever...so chilled in my dress at the theatre till 12 then we all went to alex's...and apparently i lost an hour...i thought i left at one...but nope i left at 2:30...i was sitting in Nathan's car and i was like "holy shit where was the last hour??" i dont even know :S but it was a fun ride home...we stopped at 7-11 cus Amber wanted a slushi and i wanted food...so then we dropped them off..and i went home...passed out on my couch and woke up at 11...and here we are.....

falling apart

god damnit i keep hurting myself!!!! yesterday i skinned my finger which hurts like a bitch right now...and today...i fell in the shower and burised my already screwed shoulder and my hand...and it fucking hurts god damnit! but anways...it is opening night...and i should be excited...but i feel like i have a hole in me right now. and i dont even know what is causing it. is is just there. i want it to go away. it was really big yesteday and i think it is growing. i thought it was not being in show mode but it really isnt. it would be away by now if it was. and it isnt my friends cus it was there before i left BSS...and it wasnt losing John cus again it was before that. it has been growing since ... i cant even remember a date...it was sometime last year. i wish it would go...i dont like it no more. it is growing and i seem to forget about it sometimes but it is always there. i space out trying to think of what it is but i just cant put my finger onto it. i have so many things it could be but i just dont know. i've said before that i depend on other peoples happyness...which might be it. it is the only thing that comes to my mind. my mood depends on others. expecially those i am really close to. like emma leigh. if she is depressed i get depressed. or chris. when he is sad i get realy sad. i dont like that feeling much either. i want to be whole and happy but...

god ok enough emoness...fuck....happy time OPENING NIGHT WOOT!

hearts

so very tired so this will be breif!

OPENING NIGHT TOMORROW!!!!

woot ness and a half!! i am so excited...

anyhoos...update ... today was fun...so was yesterday...i am so tired and worn out already...i actually broke down and had to leave the building today cus i was about to cry...damn emotions and their wanting to come out. i just feel so emotioned out sometimes. like it is all to much? i dunno. i still miss my old friends alot...i really miss the hugs and the "MICHELLE" everytime i saw them. and the green room cuddling. it took me three years to be able to cuddle with those people...i hope it dont take that long this time. im just not one to make a move...actually come to think of it...i pretty much have only cuddled with one person...wow kinda depressing.

i am spacing out and im pretty sure i am not making sence...so i am going to bed :D ...i really wanna sleep in my bed tonight but,...pft to far