oh sigh

ever feel like just giving up? im at the end of my emotions and i am going to snap soon. faking that smile ever day just so people dont ask "whats wrong" i fucking hate that question. sometimes i dont exactly know what is wrong. it just IS wrong. thats how i get. thats what it is like to be bi-polar (it fucking sucks...and i DONT want to go on meds) i used to think it was just teenage depression but it really isnt. god why am i like this? Emma gets happyer then i have seen her in a long time and i get fucking depressed. it just isnt fair to share a brain. i just want thursday to be here and i want a BJ talk...i miss those so very much...and to see Kenny and Billy and James and all them. i miss my boys!! boys that were always there no matter what. and emma...we never had to explain what was wrong. it was just wrong and how the fuck do we fix it? i love my new friends but they are not the same. i feel so young compared to most of them. i JUST turned 18....but most of the time i feel older. i been through a lot. not saying that other people havnt but i have been through enough for me. how many people do you know had been to more funerals then birthdays before they turned 10? when i went to Johns funeral people kept saying "i have never been to a funeral before" Johns marked my 14th funeral. they dont get easyer...and i am going to have to go to more as i get older. i dont think i can. i have such a hard time letting go. something in my brian doesnt want me to let go. which is why i cant let go of friends or old habits or anything...