happy new years eve day!!!

ello all...i bring you on the last day of 2006...

my new camera...and my new hair colour...which up untill today i forgot none of you know about it!! haha im funny...

so tomorrow is my new years party with the best people alive...and i cant fucking wait...going to get smashed!! and im bringing my new camera so i cna take pictures...cus it is small and i rock!!

and to leave you with something else...and something i will tell you about in the new year...

To Many Options!!

two years ago...i did nothing on new years...last year i had two choices...this year!!! i have four!!!!!!!! all of them i really want to attend!!! i got my party (which is the one i am going too..) with Emma leigh...and then the one with theatre people...and there is always my family which i have spent new years with for the past 17 years...now those are pretty easy to choose from...i love my theatre friends and my family but i miss my old friends...now the one i just got however...makes the options a little harder....

I just got an email from Dean who is the production manager for Urinetown inviting me to a new years party with the cast and crew of Urinetown. that made this decision just go holy shit i have options!! i never get options...usually it is " sure i have nothing better to do" which i never have something better...b ut now!! ahhh crazy...

my mom flipped out at me earlyer about the midnight swim on new years...she still dont realize that im 18 and can take care of myself!! whatever...im tired and watching CAMP cus i rock at life....chows!!

2006

my friend Heather posted this kinda thingy on her DA acount so i shall do it. it is what happened to me in 2006...i'll try to keep it short...not likely though

started off with me in Alberta getting drunk with the family. came home and did "Nevermore" which i was a drunkin sailor that got to play with stage blood...great fun...had to act with a stick though...stupid non acting person...serously..stage presents of a stick!!

anyways finshed that off. completed my last first semester of high school. failed all but one class...drama...ok so take english again...and science...fucking courses...

then things happened fast...i had band festivals to do...rehersals...band practice...somewhere in there there was a jazz band festival...which i ran...and kept from going crazy and killing out lighting...and somewhere in there is also...the drama festival...where i was just crazy and enjoying it...helping where needed...meeting awesome people (like Martha, Rick, and Spencer) among others who i still talk to...finding out we won the festival...and i got a lighting award...and a sound award...cus i designed them...not brad...but anyways...then there were more rehersals, more shows, including two nights at Dover...which were awesome cus i met awesome people again...

then there was the A.B.C.D.E drama festival in chilliwack...which was amazing...two nights with a bunch of crazy theatre kids...great...then right after that...was my prom...which was awesome...and my after prom party...and a week or so later...losing John...not so awesome...crazy rehersals thrown in there...thursday night having to do a funeral and a show for Inheart the wind...not fun...then doing the Hobbit...crazy fun...then school ending...very sad

then commencement...crazy times...working durring the summer...having the worst bday ever... having the greatest time on courts bday party....randomly meeting Alleah online and getting in with the theatre crowd 2 weeks early...crazy picnic...starting school...more crazy times...many of them drunkin...doing 12th night....going through some hard times...losing Sara...falling back into a hole and picking myself out of it...getting ASM for Urinetown...having the best christmas i think i have ever had

and today...getting my camera...digidal with a 2 inch screen...and disney scene it? which rocks...and learning how to move on and not regret anything...this year was truly amazing and horrible in many ways...certinally one i am not going to forget anytime soon! lets hope '07 wont be as crazy!

A Toast

A Toast,
To those who care for me,
Even if I don’t appreciate it.

A Toast,
To those who I have screwed over,
Even then they stick by me.

A Toast,
To those who make me hurt,
Even you make me smile.

A Toast,
To those who know me inside and out,
Even if I don’t always see it.

A Toast,
To those who have managed to make judgements,
Even if they are completely wrong.

A Toast,
To those who make me laugh,
Even if I don’t always laugh out loud.

A Toast,
To those who make me feel special,
Even if I cant see it right then.

A Toast,
To those who make me feel like flying,
Even if I am underwater.

A Toast,
To those who see my acting,
Even though others are fooled.

A Toast,
To those who tell me to shut up,
Even though I don’t listen

A Toast,
To those who make my life a living hell,
Even you can’t break me.



i feel like crying but i dont know why. i think i had another random moment where everything comes into play for me. everytime i watch lord of the rings, it always makes me just want to go into film rather then stage. i dont know why. it is just an amazing film...

i love laying down on my bed and just looking at my light. it is so cold in my room yet when i look at this light...i feel warm and whole.

just for those who are keeping up with my life. the hole that i had a few months ago...it is gone...i didnt notice it was gone untill i said whole i the last paragraph...that is how my mind works. im a rather strange creature you know? im a breed all myself and i think i need to be studied...no that would be creepy. i just feel more alive then i have. i can see dark ahead...but im ready for what life can throw at me. im ready for whatever life has in store for me.

oh yeah the poem...well that is just something that came into my head. i finally talked to David...and i told him that...well basically what he did...he hurt me soo much this year. for awhile there he was pretty much my best friend. me and emma had SOO many fights last year...and i went to him...or eric...the day i met David actually i was in a huge fight with emma...and then we tried to set David up with eric...it was funny. we just had so many fun times and when he left i hurt. he came back to the island last friday and didnt tell me...so i cant do this anymore. i do care about him but he cant take up space in my thoughts anymore. my big problem = control issues...holding on when i should let go. i should have let David go long ago...haha to add ironic to more irony..."but its better if you do" just came on and me and Daivd used to sing that all the time...sit at burners with my ipod and listen to music. or in the green room with music...or just sing...we just got each other. it was a weird connection...but...im letting go

the other part of the poem is a thankyou. too all the people who have stuck by me. i know im not easy to handle. im pretty sure i have made a bad impression on a lot of people this year...i dont like that. when i threw away my old self this summer, i let go of the fun part to me. the part that could do random shit and not care. like singing and danceing on the streets...or having boob holding contests or hand badmonton...or so many others things...i went straight from child to adult twice now in my life. dont ask me how i just know i have...

so to all the new people...thank you...some of you have been truly amazing to me and i have not done the same for you. as for my old friends. i never realized what i had till it wasnt there anymore. till i couldnt walk up to billy and hug him...or chase after brad and have a tickle war till we were both crying from laughter...all my friends are truly fantastic...

why are you touching my moo-butt?

so i pretty much just had the best Christmas ever...and boxing day (waffle day) and day after boxing day...

it all started out at 12 in the moring on christmas eve...my sister got up and would not go back to bed...so she woke my mom up at 3 am...we were done unwraping at 5 am...back to bed by 5:30 and out of my house to Emma-leighs at 2...which the moment i was seen i was huggled very good...by emma leigh who came screaming out of her/my house. then mandy, and i got a hug from Nathan too...im not going to go into too much detal here cus boxing day just has soo much. basically consisted of a fantactic turkey diner, with wine...which Michelle probably had a *little* bit of it. and triffel...which rocked. then we played F.R.I.E.N.D.S scene it...so we got to see some awesome moments from the run of the show...and i would get random clues...which is typical of me...then we watched Cars, which rocked (TRACTOR TIPPING!!!) and then emma went to be cus she had to work at 8 in the morning, but me and mandy watched PoC 2 and talked the whole time...and talked more when the lights went out...we decided it should be called Where's the Rum? and the second one should be called "Rum; Wasted" yeah it was too much fun

so next morning here i am sleeping away..when i hear "MANDY? CAN WE COME IN? ARE YOU DECENT?" Julien and Andrew decided to come and visit...well it was 2 in the afternoon but w.e...so we got up...went and had a smoke...and we hear Alex comming...Alex is emma's B/F which is kinda wack...no it isnt but lol IM TIRED! so we went into mandys room and set up the guitars, Alex's electric and the bass and boy it was fun...got to chill listening to music with them trying to drown out our singing of Rent and getting Andrew to watch it cus "the hot lesbians were making out!" so then...someone has the bright idea of going and smoking a bowl...i thought' what the hell? its boxing day" so we went out in the middle of the driveway and smoke a lot...so i wasnt walking all that good...sooo stoned...the boys then at this point went to get snacks, me chilling almost passing out in the room, boys come back (i can play so much better when i am stonned - Alex) this is quite a fuzzy spot..ah no io rememer...we watched narnia cus alex pissed emma off and they went for some alone time...we watched narnia...and anoyed andrew who was falling asleep...it was funny cus he wasnt sleeping heavly, ammusing to no extent. then again fuzzy...cus there were so many things...the boys were soo funny, we watched the decent...and it was kinda funny in some spots...i jumped and made julien laugh...i dont do well in scary movies. then andrew went home...they came back (i think they left like 4 times in one day and came back) and we watched cars...then Alex passed out...julien entertained us with many stories...he is great...out of no where he just says "i think i have lice in my beard" and telling us stories from other people...which are amusing...me and him went off about being stuck under the floor as a sky dving piece of crap...which all started cus i said i falled in the floor...i was really tired...so then we watch another movie...emma goes to bed...julien comtinues to be awesome...but he falls asleep...snorning louder then the movie...movies ends...me and mandy decided to make fun of sleeping boys...taking pictres and putting condoms all over the place...including on Juliens face and in alex's sock...then alex and emma wake up...we talk to julien in his sleep cus he is cool like that...they all wake up...i go into emmas room...harass alex for a long time...it is the best friends job to annoy boyfriend..then we go to get butter with alex driving...and he is a crazy mother fucking driver...but totally safe...just insane...and of corse we have a chair to the top of the car cus alex is totally cool...get back...do some stuff...come home...power out..michelle sleep...and here we are...and now i leave you with this


THE YEAR 2006


1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
been to a bar
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i dont do resloutions
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
few family members
4. Did anyone close to you die?
John and Sara RIP
5. What countries did you visit?
hawaii bitches1
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
Money
7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
sooo many...
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
grad
9. What was your biggest failure?
not getting good grades
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
really bad colds
11. What was the best thing you bought?
laptop
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Newman HOUSE!!
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
mine
14. Where did most of your money go?
laptop,
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
School
16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
Time OF you life by green day,
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happyer
b) thinner or fatter? thinner
c) richer or poorer? richer...go go student loan
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
being nicer to people
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
being annoying
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
family and emma leighs...which is family
21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
only with myself
23. How many one-night stands?
one
24. What was your favourite TV program?
OC
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
im pretty good at not hating people
26. What was the best book you read?
harry potter
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
URINETOWN, RENT...you know musicals
28. What did you want and get?
more freedom
29. What did you want and not get?
moving out
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
rent, camp, so many
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
turned 18 and cried
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
seeing my old friends more
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
whatever was clean
34. What kept you sane?
music, friends, theatre
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Tom Felton
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay Marrage
37. Who did you miss?
Emma
38. Who was the best new person you met?
bwah...toooooo many...if i have to choose...julian cus he is the newest
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
just keep going...the moment only lasts for a little bit, "we're here for a good time, not a long time"

THE YEAR 2007

1. Will you be looking for a new job?
yessum
2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
well i do have someone in mind
3. New house?
yes sir
4. What will you do different in 07?
being me 100%
5. New Years resolution?
get better grades
6. What will you not be doing in 07?
going to high school which is bittersweet
7. Any trips planned?
nope
8. Wedding plans?
yeah...hokay
9. What's on your calendar?
teddy bears
10. What can't you wait for?
many thingys, school, urinetown, my 19th!!
11. What would you like to see happen differently?
the way people view me
12. What about yourself will you be changing?
being me
13. What happened in 06 that you didn't think would ever happen?
losing people i love
14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
for sure
15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 06?
no
16. Will you start or quit drinking?
no i like drinking
17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
I will try
18. Will you do charity work?
yess
19. Will you go to bars?
when i turn 19 fucking a i will
20. Will you be nice to people you don't know?
yeah
21. Do you expect 07 to be a good year for you?
it will be
22. How much did you change from this time last year til now?
you can not even belive how much
23. Do you plan on having a child?
not in the next year no
24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
well yeah
25. Major lifestyle changes?
moving out
26. Will you be moving?
see above
27. What will you make sure doesn't happen in 07 that happened in 06?
i cant really control those things
28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
EMMA LEIGHTS!!!! BITCHESSS!
29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
most likely
30. Wish for 2007?
my wish is my secret

Take A Chance On Me

Happy Chrismas everyone!! last reports say Santa is over great brittan...soon to hit the east coast...so Merry Chrismas my dear east coast friend!!!! hope your dreams come true this holiday!!

i am so full of turkey and perogies right now...just sitting here kinda buzzed...what my mom let me have a cooler with dinner...we can afford wine lol :P so yeah...had my diner, and got to open my gift from my Uncle Tommie, which was the beautiful keeper box that he hand made and mine had a picture of him when he was about my age and a picture of me when i was like 4 holding his cat. it is soo cute and so personal i adore it. i got to see my uncle randy and he tells me that his girlfriend/wife (they have been living together for 5 years) is pregnant...with a little girl!! i get to add another second cousin to my list!!

today makes me kinda miss my family, i know im going to cry tonight. its hard durring the holidays, when there are people that are suppoted to be here but are not. i will watch the video of the last christmas with my grandparents later on. it always makes me realize just how lucky i was to know them. i was six when i lost them but my brother was only 3 and my sister wasnt even born. i think about them a lot...and how lucky i am to have them. and that i have amazing friends. new and old.

tomorrow i get to go to my second home for christmas dinner there too...i cant effing wait. i made presents for all them and i know they will heart them cus michelle had fun :D

So to all you!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS,
MERRY CHRISTMAS
AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
LOVE YOU ALL!
YOU ALL HOLD A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART!!

Even The Best Fall Down Sometimes!

yeah yeah...i falled today...and hurt myself...and now my foot is all swollen and yucky...but other then that...i think everything is finally working out

i feel like no matter what i do...i always have people to lean on...maybe that is what i was so insecure about in the beginning of the year...i didnt know for sure i could still go back and it be the same...i thought everything would change once i left...and things have...and i have...but...it still works...i go back to being the "old" me...which i hate that expression...cus im not the new me at all...im still me in every sence of the word. i havnt even really changed. i just see more now...my eyes are more open to other things.

i got a pretty sweet little comment...i dont even think the person knows how much this ment to be...i was surfing on myspace on the bulition things...and i decicedd to look at my friends post about her top friends...well i was on there and one of the questions was "if you could give this person anything, what would it be and why?" and she put for mine..."i would give her acceptance to NTS cus it would mean more to her then others." it just made me think...people want me to suceed cus they love me. and i have some pretty damn awesome friends...

it is better to point it than to say it

so last night was a fucking blast...i got there...not knowing who would be ther...but Patty was there...so was Kelly,and my Amber...i have missed them...it was a turkey dinner thing...so i got to help them out a bit...mainly consisting of trying to stamp kelly, fooling around to no extent...having cody try and rape me in the ass...he was serously humping like a dog while i was sitting in a chair, writing on pattys sweater, having some vodka, finding out i can still take vodka straight, talking to ben and this other kid outside, lots of hugs and snuggles from some of my fav boys, and girls...all in all...it was a blast...and i hardly stopped laughing

The Angry Boy A Bit To Insane, Iceing Over A Secret Pain

this may be long...it is just going to be rambling...

this christmas is weird...on christmas day, it will be a month since Sara died, and on Boxing day, it will be 7 months for John, its weird. it definatly doesnt hurt as much as it used to. i still cant listen to "time of your life" that song still hurts, and whenever i hear the other songs on the radio...i stop what i am doing.


so it isnt going to be long, i have to go out to the sos tonight,

shit son

so i was just typing on my computer having a good time...when i heard a noise...looked out the window...one of the big fucking sanders was turning around at the top of my road..ok no big deal...but the he starts his turn...hes doing ok till he tries it when he needed to back up...not he came forward...and his front drivers side wheel was hanging off the little cliff thingy at the top of my property...and he was having trobles backing up cus there is kinda a hill and a garden...he managed it...still scared the living shit out of me to see this huge truck with its wheel off the egde..scary thing was is he wasnt trying to bo backward anymore...he was trying to see if he could make the turn without having to back up...with me just sitting her going you fucking moron...go back and take the turn again...you come off the hill and you will kill me...

my random adventure for the day...asshole

exausted...

just.finished.chrismas.shopping....*sleeps* yeah i was up again all last night...soooo tired...i hate crowds..they suck sooo much...but my mothers christmas is done...i spent like 70 bucks on her and i am happy...i know she spent about that much on my family each...so...she deserves it...i must sleep now

And when we hear the voices sing, The book of love will open up, and let us in

yeah clay aiken lyrics!! michelle loves how the latest CD is all love songs...makes it easy on me..lol..anyways...just watched a FANTASTIC movie...something i wouldnt have thought to watch but got it recomended to me..."House Of D" absloutly amazing...just made me sit there going wow...it is soo origional...im pretty good at predicting movies...but i just couldnt..even though you kinda know how it ends...and it has great actors...robin williams...and some new kid who was just amazing..oh man just brilliant...

so 4 days till christmas...AND EMMA LEIGH!!!! FUCKING RIGHTS!! EXCITED MUCH?!?!?!?! k just a little. i cant wait till christmas...and it isnt just the presents, which are great, but i want to see my sister and brother see their gifts...i know they will love them...i just loving seeing people i love happy...nothing gives me greater joy...my family hasnt had it easy...but seeing my sister and brother grow up...it is just fantastic...they have both come so far...just in the past two years since my dad left...i can actually hang out with my little brother and not kill him...

i got my presents from my dad today...mom said we could open then cus...well my dad sucks at giving gifts...but this year...he ACTUALLY listened to us...he got me this swiss army hammer...it is like 8 tools in one...he listened cus he knew i was buliding stuff at home and such...and he took the good tools...so it was pretty fucking cool..and he got all of us 50 dollers for zellers...which brings my gift certificuts up to 150$$ which means...combinded with my bursary, which i got to keep 250...IM GOING TO GET A DIGIAL CAMERA!!!!! who knows what other money i am going to get...plus returning gifts...so im pretty stoked...or...maybe i will get a guitar...or something...i dunno...i just know i have money to get something i really want. my mom cant afford these things ... but if i can get something for myself...then fantastic...

but we are going to lose power...the lights are flickering...see you all laters! :D

too cool for a title

yeah its too cool. yesterday was quite busy...it was my grade one teachers retirement...my first teacher on the island is gone now...which kinda sucks...but w.e so i went to that...only ...the way i got up that early is i didnt go to bed...so i was up 32 hours...w.e right...done it before...after that long day i had rehersal...and Erik tired to steal my door man post...cus he had to hand out Christmas Cards (i get mine after Christmas cus he used to much glitter on it and it wasnt dry..no biggie) so i hung out with him at the door cus i had nothing better to do...he's a pretty cool person to hang out with. rehersal went on...Gary decided he would split up the sections so that they were not singing next to each other...but Nabil can talk to everyone...and he was being all silly with the stick thingy...the singing went really well...i decieded i didnt want to watch the dances since i have seen them so many times now...i dont have to learn them...so once again i was hanging out with Erik...we talked more...then people came back to sing and i went to work on my something...i dunno want it is called...but yeah...oh and juli brought her baby...and Erik got the houner to change her cloths...it was probably the cuttest things i have ever seen...

so that was our last rehersal till after the holidays...but we are back on the second...and me will probably still be hungover...lol...or really sick from going swimming at midnight...but i am so excited...i will see ya'll later!!

well i promised..

tonight was a night of totall cuteness!! i forgot how cute little kids are...it was such a cute skit they did...it was two little girls doing a research project about christmas in different countries...and they did like hawaii..in grass skirts...keep in mind this is a K to grade 5 school...so they were all soo tiny...my sisters was australia...instead of raindeer they have kangroos...6 of them ... so they did a song and a skit about this lost kangroo...i knew the kid who did the part of the roo...she is soo cute...and then the kid who played santa claus i have known since he was in dipers...one of my fav little kids ever...we have this tag game that has been going on for 5 years...im now "it" again...anyways back to the concert...hey em guess what?? MY SISTER WENT ONSTAGE AND SANG AND DIDNT CRY!!! im so proud of her!! she has...or should i say has had really bad stage fright..she doesnt like attention (total opposite of her big sister) and she went on tonight!!! and she sang and danced!! woot her!! it was kinda weird to be watching...i remember my concerts...in that same school...with the same teachers for the most part...only...none of the kids i went to school with were there...i saw my little buddy from when i was in grade 5...and he is now taller then me....he was in K last time i saw him...just another thing that makes me feel old...and more grown up...all the kids i remember as being little tiny kindergarden kids are in grade 8...that is kinda nuts to me...

anyways...was a fun night...i love little kids...watching the kindergarden kids dressed up like little raindeer singing about pablo the raindeer...was just tooo cute for words :D


to leave with something fun...its kinda creepy actually..emma will understand why o.o

What your music/IPod really says about you:

Put your Ipod/Music Player on shuffle, don't cheat, put whatever song turns up for each answer, as you go through your tracks...

What does next year have in store for me?
Over And Over Again

What's my love life like?
My Happy Ending

What do I say when life gets tough?
Crush

What do u think of on waking up?
Welcome Home

What song will I dance to at my wedding?
La Vie Boheme (fuckin a i will!!!)

What do you want as a career?
Figured You out

Your favourite saying?
Can YOU Feel The Love Tonight

Favorite place?
It's a Privilege to Pee (ahahahaahah go urinetown)

What do you think of your parents?
It's Just Me

What's your Pornstar name?
In Me (way to dirty up a Christian Song)

Where would you go on a first date?
On The Wings Of A Dove (awwwwww)

Drug of choice?
Without You (k im offically a sap)

Describe yourself:
Critical Mass

What is the thing i like doing most?
Pump It

What is my state of mind like at the moment?
She's SO Dangerous

How will I die?
To Where You Are

What do I think of my best friend?
Spotlight

What do I think of the president?
Here You Come..AGAIN

What will the future bring?
Santa Monica

Your views on sex?
Never Let You Go (ahahahaha)

Where you are in life at this moment?
In Spite Of It All (very fitting)

Favorite thing to do alone?
Barrett's Privateers

The world in general?
Super Mario Techno Theme

Your views on your EX?
I Smell Sex And Candy (o.O)

Your inner strength?
The Hardest Thing

Your view on the world:
Take Me Or Leave Me

Your favorite beverage?
Goodbye My Lover (depressing)

Where will you be in 10 years:
Better Then Me

Your family views?
Let Me Go (perfect)

Your ultimate favorite song?
On My Own

silly tony hawk

im sooooo close to beating my tony hawk game...just need three more levils...but stupid fucking combo lines and impossible fucking lines...grrrr....soooo close man....soooooo close....sooooooooo close...that is about it./..my little sisters christmas concert tonight...update after :D leave some lovin and i bring cookies first day back to school....

go 223 rd post!

...and 119 of those are just from this auguest...way to get me bloggin again guys :P

anyways...not much happeneing...just chillaxin at home...just got home from rehersal...still loving the show...i am going to be SOOOOOOO sad when this is over...i dont want it to be over...never never never never...this cast makes it sooo much fun...it is soo nice to work with Nabil again...it is kinda fun to watch how much he and I have grown up since our last show together...which is almost two years ago now...woot midsummer...but anyways...tis awesome...

in other news...yeah there isnt anything...just me chillin at home...and going to rehersals and such...that is about all my life has to offer right now...its kinda borning...but i kinda like it that way...im really looking forward to christmas and new years...with the old crew...it is going to be a fucking blast and a half...going to be so drunk on new years i can already feel the hangover...mmmm cant wait

so...

my mom and me have come to a decision...if i get into the dorms i will be moving out...im a little worried cus i suck at money...but i just cant live here...im loving the idea of sleeping right till class time...no more 6 in the morning wake up call...i can get up and then go...it will be nice...i dont got much else...

at the wits end

so...me and my mom had a HUGE fight tonight....over stupid things...but it came at the end that i am moving/being kicked out. she threw the fact that she pays my phone bill and she pays for my smokes and she pays for my food she even wants rent now..well...fuck her...honestly she made a promise that if we were in school we wouldnt have to pay rent. so guess what mother...you are going to bite your words...im moving out. like you said...i aplyed for the dorms at mal...and i hope i get in cus...i dunno what i would do other wise...but i need to get out...i need to live on my own cus...i cant be around her anymore. she always tells me i cant be the parent but she cant always act like a child...it doenst work that way mother..you cant throw temper tantrums ... how am i going to grow up if you cant fucking grow up? i need to be able to go out and NOT tell you every fucking detal! im 18...you dont need my friends phone numbers anymore...i dont need to be telling you every single detal about where ia m going and what time i will be home and who is getting me home...for fucks sake...it is insane...i just cant do it anymore...i was at my breaking point tonight...i sat outside and nearly froze to death cus i didnt want to be in the house...then i called emma and felt better...felt much better...im feeling better now...i just wish my mother wouldnt hold back what she wants to say...i hate that in people...i thought we were doing good but no...i guess not eh? all cus i wanted a little bit of privacy...cus i dont have a room here...i live in my basement...and when i want space you dont send my little brother to watch TV and piss me off...i just...need out...even if that means living in dorms...i'll take it...and then i can get a job...

sick yet again

i have another nasty cold...not happy...look at me go...not updating alot...i guess that might be cus things are working out...cept for this weather...pisses me off...im ok on my own. i love having friends...but i dont need them anymore...that sounds really bad but its not supposted to be. i know i can make it just me. i can move and go on and if they are good friends...they will be there. i think me and em proved that this year. we can be apart and we can not talk for weeks and come back together like nothing happened. i love that. i love life right now. its working out. and if something works out with a certian someone...then sweet. but if it doesnt...it wasnt meant to be and i can get over that. i got over Chris when i never ever thought that would happen...i never saw the end to that...something inside of me finally accepted that...so thats great...

anyways...got the sos tonight. i miss how that used to be but it is fun again...i get to learn guitar...i will get it damnit!! and im learning piano too... EDIT APPARENTLY I DONT GET TO FUCKING GO CUS MY MOM IS A FUCKING WHORE...THANKS MOM THE ONE FUCKING DAY I GET TO SEE MY OLD FRIENDS AND YOU TAKE THAT AWAY. WELL FUCK YOU.

in great news...i love this play...what more can i say...it is amazing...the dances are fricking amazing..Juli is fantastic. the music sounds amazing...it is just great...some really taleneted people and im only seeing more talent every night...as the music and dance come together...and...i might get to work the revolve! :D which would be killer...

Off in the distance
There's a beautiful horizon -
Gleaming and radiant
It's what I'll keep my eyes on -
As the world turns to face the sun
And start another day
It suddenly
Occurs to me
That maybe we can find another way
Look at the sky
Full of hope and promise
It's a shining ideal
How I reel
When I look at the sky

Daily we make them pay
Their nickles dimes and quarters -
Daily we break them
'Cause we have to follow orders
And we keep filling moneybags
With broken lives and dreams
But what's it for?
I can't ignore
These black immoral
Profit-making schemes

Look at the sky
High above this madness!
Here below feel our shame!
It must stop in the name
Of the sky!

"look at the sky - Urinetown!!

i hate the phone god damnit!!

i am not a phone person...i phoned everyone from the cast and pretty much everyone i was really akward...grrrr i hate the phone...rawar!!!! that is all

done done done finished!!

had my final exam today...i survided first semester...but did i pass?? im hopeing so...cus it would suck if i didnt...but i will live...it wasnt an easy transition for me...they never are...so i will see...i will be fine either way actually...cus the only thing i would have failed would be theatre history...so whatev

in other news...bracing for another storm...im really getting sick of them...like muchly...they are sooo annoying...didnt sleep much the last two days...i was so tired that i passed out for 6 hours...so im not much tired right now lol...

sorry 'bout entry before this...i was tired and in a bad mood...im alright...im more then alright. im growing up...it is a nice feeling...

hit a few bumps today...my mom told me something...i dont wish to know...but now do...my uncle was in the hospital...he isnt doing good...as i have said...he has AIDS...it is finally catching up with him. but i did talk to him today. im closer to my uncle then my dad...but we have never really talked about him being gay...not really...and it isnt on my part..i just never bring it up....but anyways...talked to him on the phone today. he wanted to know about my tongue piercing...and he asked about school...and then i found out that he has done theatre...he understood what a stage manager did. he also kinda mentioned in passing about him being a drag queen...which he has NEVER brought up before...i just kinda let it pass cus he kept taking. apparently he took a set designe class at UBC and that the professor nearly begged to have him go into set designe (which means he can help me with drafting woot)so that is really cool. finally someone who understands theatre terms. i always have to explain to my mother...and other friends...but he understands...me and him have always understood each other...we both have raging tempers...he put a hole through my door cus i wanted cheezies when i was little lol. i dont know what i would do without him. he actually thought i was ashamed that he had AIDS...im not...im just an avoider...i stay far away from conforntation about emotions...i will agrue to the death on a stupid topic but if it has anything to do with my emotions...i will avoide the best i can...there you go you learned a new interesting fact about me...i can do it on the computer...but i cant do it in person ... confrontaion that is

So Very Scared...

I hate this weather...i am to scared to sleep right now...the trees are blowing sideways and they have come inches from my house...plus...there is thunder and lighting...and...im kinda scared of thunder and lighting...ok scrach that...im comepletly terrifyed of it...i know i know...irrational fear...also scared of moths...dont ask me why...but im shaking so bad right now....so since i hate thunder and lighting i am going to do that hate list...also cus i am bored

i hate liers. i hate thunder and lighting. i hate being awake at this time with an exam tomorrow. i hate the feeling of failing. i hate feeling like i have failed. i hate being judged. i hate being put on the spot. i hate making mistakes. i hate how my face goes bright red when i am embarrased. i hate how i procratinate. i hate wearing glasses. i hate being cold. i hate not being able to drive. i hate being in constant fear of things i cant change. i hate getting attached to people. i hate hard drugs. i hate when people i care about do hard drugs. i hate losing people close to me. i hate being so emotinal. i hate crying for no reason. i hate cold hands. i hate socks. i hate feeling helpless. i hate not finding the words to say. i hate feeling like i cant do anything. i hate that i might be stuck doing dead end jobs for the rest of my life. i hate the regret i live with. i hate driving in bad weather. i hate not being able to see without my glasses. i hate that i cant wear contacts. i hate that i am making a hate list. i hate how i complain all the fucking time. i hate how i feel lost. i hate being in financial worry all the time. i hate worrying all the time. i hate not being able to sleep cus of the worry/regret/worthlessness. i hate crying myself to sleep. i hate waking up after crying myself to sleep. i hate not being pretty. i hate not being able to change the way i look. i hate the way i look. i hate the way people look at me. i hate when people put me under a microscope. i hate being ignored. i hate being left out. i hate smoking. i hate the scars on my arm. i hate that i was in that place. i hate the thoughts that still run through my head. i hate missing him. i hate not being around him. i hate that he has no idea. i hate the stupid fake christmas tree we have. i hate when my mom snappes at me for nothing. i hate when the power is out and we have no heat. i hate being itchy. i hate how i get weird itchy noses. i hate how my sholders crack all the time. i hate how much pain i am in all the time, inside and out. i hate that i have no one to share the pain with. i hate not hearing people say im proud of you. i hate that my dad is the way he is...but i dont hate him. i hate the way my family acts...but i dont hate them. i hate the way i act...but i dont hate me. i hate when peopel take things the wrong way. i hate offending people. i hate feeling offended when i shouldnt. i hate i study peopel constantly. i hate when the rain pounds and the wind blows really hard. i hate that my foot is asleep. i hate that i doubt myself. i hate that i dont liek myself. i hate that i am growing up so fast. i hate how i cant tolerate as many things as i used to. i hate how 18 years of pain decides to come out now. i hate knowing that i can suceed. i hate getting up early. i hate change. i hate being in the same place. i hate that i am a hypocrite. i hate that i spell really bad. i hate how i am/was a bitch to peopel i care about. i hate how there are still walls up around me. i hate that i am saying all this yet no one will read it all. i hate biting my lip. i hate headachs and sore eyes from crying. i hate how i gag all the time now. i hate homophobes. i hate people who cant accept others for who they are. i hate how people never spell my last name right. i hate how i have no idea how i am going to make it in this world. i hate how i act different around different people. i hate feeling like i have to act. i hate not getting comments on something important. i hate choose between two things that are both awesome. i hate when it feels like i cant find music to fit my mood. i hate being underapreciated. i hate being talked about behind my back. i hate how i talk about people behind their back. i hate how i tired for years to fit in and now cant tell who my real friends are. i hate that me and emma have to spend so much time apart. i hate how it has been so long since we had a sleepover. i hate how it has been so long since we partyed together. i hate how i hate all these things. i hate things that i can change but wont. i hate when i give up. i hate feeling like i have to give up. i hate being put on the spot. i hate how long this list is.


if you read all this...props to you...you get a cookie,...leave comment to recieve cookie

That Was A Long 19 Hours...

missed me yet? I didnt have power for 19 hours :'( all of nanoose was out...and it was weird to not see the hill lit up with the navy base....it was out from 4 yesterday afternoon till 10 this morning. and it was soooo cold...im still cold...insaneness...i hate when the power is out...not for the reasons you might think. but A it is really cold...not heat, B No water...we have a pump, C...i dont like doing stuff in the dark!!!!!! i like the dark...but reading, walking, going to the bathroom are all sooo much harder when you have to hold a flash light! and then there was no furnace down stairs so i couldnt sleep...got to sleep around 7 in the morning...woke up a half and hour ago...and i have rehersal tonight and a really early exam (early cus i have to be on the bus at like 7 in the morning to get there on time!!)

but my life is not all bad news...i got a check from the government of canada for 3000 dollers!!!!!!!!! something about a bursary...which is just brilliant!!! now i can pay off some of my loan...which was starting to worry me. its only 4000 right now but it will get up with intrest...which im not looking forward too...by the end of this year i was supposted to be 11,000 dollers in debt with the tax on the amount...but not anymore!!!! which makes Michelle very happy. i was dancing around my house for about an hour...till i realized that i was in a tshirt and shorts and it was really cold lol...

so anyways...before i lose power again...i shall see you all tomorrow!! loves!!

All I Can Hear Is The Rain....

I love the sound of the rain...I have three skylights above me...and i can hear the rain pounding on them...and i can hear the wind chimes outside...one thing about living in the basement is i dont hear the rain...

so i know i am updating twice in one day...but im thinking alot lately...about what i want out of life and how to get it. i believe in signs...more then i should...and i got a weird sign the other day...i was watching chanel 13 or something...and here comes this add for NTS on the t-v...it was weird cus the day before i was talking to my mom about wanting to go there...and she was my typical mother..."oh i dunno...is it really worth it to go all the way there? couldnt you just go to vic or something?" and i was trying to explain to her why...but i really couldnt...all i could say is "only 7 people get into my program a year across canada..." that seemed to keep her quite for a bit...but then this add came on...and i couldnt take my eyes off it...i didnt blink...my mom saw that and watched the TV...after the add she asked where this was...and i told her...and she said "well i guess you would live on campus then" SCORE ONE FOR THE TEAM!!! MY MOM IS ACCEPTING THAT I WILL MOVE OUT ONE DAY!! and i think she has accepted that i want to go there...to montreal...farther then i have ever been from home...i was just shocked to hear her say this...it didnt hit me till later...its amazing...i never thought i would even make it to college let alone to a program like theatre....

but for the first time ever...i know i am going to make it...i will make it in the world of theatre...i will make it in this world period...i have to...what other choice do i really have? stay at home for the rest of my life??? haha fat chance...im going to be fine...im going to struggle and give up but i wont...i havnt so far...and i've been pushed...i get weird looks from people when i say im doing theatre in school...you can see it in their face they are questioning why...and how i am going to do it for a living...but the way i see it...i will never be happy doing anything else...sure i could go into music or law or teach...but would i be happy? no i wouldnt...you should see me come out of rehersals...i cant stop smiling...when i get home...i cant stop smiling...durring rehersal i cant stop smiling...i must look like an idiot smiling all the fucking time...but it is nice to be able to answer people positivly when they ask how i am.

to leave with something fun...i love you all...and HAPPY FUCKING BDAY MANDIICAP!!! YOU'RE LEGAL FOR ME NOW....WAIT...I DIDNT SAY THAT YOU CANT PROVE IT!!! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA LOVE YOU MUCHLY!!!!!!!!

and two... fun thing cus it rocks at life too...i'ma talking about savage garden yo! *does wigger hand thingy* *grabs a chair...wiat wha??* LMAO!!! (em you are my hero!)

I never thought I’d change my
opinion again
But you moved me in a way that I’ve
never known
You moved me in a way that I’ve
never known

But straight away you just moved
into position again
You abused me in a way that I’ve
never known
You abused me in a way that I’ve
never known

So break me shake me hate me
take me over
When the madness stops then you
will be alone
Just break me shake me hate me
take me over
When the madness stops then you
will be alone

So you’re the kind that deals with the
games in the mind
Well you confuse me in a way that
I’ve never known
You confuse me in a way that I’ve
never known

So break me shake me hate me
take me over
When the madness stops then you
will be alone
So won’t you break me shake me hate me
take me over
When the madness stops then you
will be alone

She says, " I can help you, but what
do you say?"
'Cause it's not free baby, you'll have
to pay
You just keep me contemplating, that
your soul is slowly fading

God, don't you know that I live with a ton
of regret?
'Cause I used to move you in a way
that you've never known
But then I accused you in a way that
you've never known
But you've hurt me in a way that I've
never known...

Break me shake me hate me
take me over
When the madness stops then you
will be alone
So won't you break me shake me
hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you
will be alone

Listen, baby
You'll be, you'll be alone

Break me shake me hate me take
me make me
Fake me break me shake me hate
me take me
Break me

weeeeeeeeee

i love this show!!!!oh em gee!!! i had sooo much fun tonight...again..i dont think there is a rehersal i dont love...it is always soooo much fun!! these people are hillarious...yes i even attempted spelling that word it was that awesome...i would even go as far as saying it was awesome-tastic!!! we read through the script...and i got to read parts...i read Alleahs part...and im quite jealous...it is soooo fun!! and i read flipp...which was interesting cus dean kept screwing me up...if i messed up on a word he would just correct me in the next sentance...and that made me go red!! i was a tomato...it was funny...and i got called cute like 3 times...which is great!! just good good times!!

in other news...my house is semi decorated....and i have my tree up....and it has a star this year...that was the one thing i wanted...was a star atop my tree...and i have it...and it is pretty...hearts it muchly

i also got to wrap presents for family...and it was decided that if something is not perfectly flat...i cant wrap it well...and i use a lot of tape...but it was fun none the less....i guess i should start on other presents...like my second family...i already got half of them done...but i need some for the little boys...maybe more candy like last year lol...that worked great...

and in other other news...i got to wrap my dads present...and this year...we are sending his tree ordaments...back to him...out of my house and my tree...it is so nice that he is not here...i got to hand the lights on the tree...and i got to "carve" the turkey (by carve i mean mutalate..im not a good carver either :P) anyhoos i think this is enough...going to do....something...productive...i think...*shrugs*

give us faith so we'll be safe!

watching this really cool celtic dancing singing thing on TV. they are all so pretty and the music is awesome...and they can sing...oh much fun!!

i wish i could have gone to the christmas party...would have been fun...but no ride...and i was not allowed to leave the fact i had to take care of my mother cus she had an allergic reaction......but wasnt a total loss...had a very nice bubble bath ..and did my nails...christmas colours...and fake nails...which is why it is taking me forever to type...my nails keep getting stuck between the keys lol....they look hot...long and red..fun fun fun man!!!

to end this...shout out to my second family...rip brogan!!! fucking best dog ever!!

and the hardest part is knowing I will never follow through

ahhh forgot how much i love hedley....me and Nabil listend to them on the way to pville...after my stupid exams (grumbles) and shopping early (grumbles times two) so not to much fun to be had there....but it was still a good day for me. good to see everyone again...i missed all them. i went to the sos...as usual...so guess who the first person i see is?? yeah the kid giving me hell last night...needless to say i gave him a HUGE hug! and told him if he ever did that again i might just kill him. stupid children...i learned how to play pool tonight too...well at least how to hold the stupid cue....and aim for stuff...and if i didnt keep sinking the 8 ball i might have won...stupid game :P and i also learned more guitar...and learned more piano...i could almost do my left hand but not quite...still not that quardinated...believe in me...i will get it...i was going to learn cords tonight but my mom had to take me away *tear* i learned almost the entire harry potter on the piano (sans the left hand) and i just need the ending and some of the harmonys on the right hand...but im pretty happy anyways...it just feels good to be me again...and happy again...i like this happy me...im sure everyone does too :P

werid weird weird...

tonight was really weird to say the least. it was so hard being back at my school without actually being there. i went to the christmas concert at BSS tonight...and i felt out of place. i loved being with my friends but that isnt my school anymore. although i did end up in the booth anyways...some how the lights just shut off...i think it is the cord from the board to the dimmers...but i honesly dont know. pissed me off though. it wasnt neat up in the booth. i spent three years keeping that place good and clean and now...grrr...whatever...isnt mine anymore...if they want to fuck with it fine by me. i got a better board to work on and all that. and the mic's were not working....not patched right i believe...

was it always like this and i never noticed? god it feels so weird to be back....i feels soooo different now....im not the same person. im older and more mature from like two weeks ago...it feels strange....i miss my friends but ...i dont really miss the school anymore. i dont miss the drama i dont miss the problems. i like where i am. i like learning new things like i am and moving twards a goal. im not attached to that school anymore. im all good now and i love it!

in other news....since i first put this up...i have learned something i didnt want to know...one of my good friends might be dying...and that is hurting my other friends. i dont belive that i will lose the first friend...but hearing other people are dwelling on this and letting it bring them down...it hurts. it hurts to hear them say if i lost this person i could not go on living...and that scares me. it scares me to think of things like this...more so the fact that im not there to help anymore. and im scared that the time i had with these people just wasnt enough.i just wish i was there with hugs again. i would go visit tomorrow but there is an exam i must attend to...if i dont i shall fail. which sucks...sometimes i feel like i was something to hold them all together...like bubble gum or something...damnit when something good happens something bad happens ten fold!

pictures!

so i was going through my pictures on my computer and i found some of me when i was little and my older sister...who i look a lot like


this one is me my sister my little brother and my dad...i think i was 7 or 8


this is in catherdral grove...my sister me my little brother my cousin derek in the back ground and my other cousin kristina...old pictures


and this is just me and my sister...i love this picture so much...last time i saw her...god i miss her

i should try sleeping more

i think that is why i update a lot...i need sleep...

but anyways...everyone who reads this...please check post before it so you can read other thing that is important...

so i offically like someone knew...i gots the wonderful butterflys...only bad thing...i knoq really nothing of this person...my stupid irrational heart thinking for me again. something that probaly isnt a good things...i dont have a bad feeling about this one...like i ususally dont even try....but dear god i am trying this time. im a great person...i deserve some happyness...and im hoping i dont get hurt...but im not scared of it anymore. i think actually trying for someone is a lot less hurtful then sitting and not knowing. so i will keep you updated...of corse i will...its me for christs sake :P

in other news...i love this show...i really really love it. i've been offically told to tell people to shut up. i yelled for people to shut it tonight...it felt great... :D my one gift that i love sometimes and hate others...is my loud voice...i dont have to raise it much and i can be heard over people. it really is wonderful. works onstage too...im always the one to be told to be quiters when im just supposted to be talking in the background....comes in handy when you are ASM though. :P i just love how this show and these people make me feel. i feel important. i just come home everytime smiling. and danceing...and singing...it is insane...i dont have a care in the world outside the show. i cant wait to do more. i cant wait to start blocking! even though i really dont know what that is or how i help...im going to learn :P

IMPORTANT

i know i promised no more updates more then once a day...but this is important. and if you care for me...then you will read it. it is long i know but i had to get it out. so please guys...it will take some time...but i really need you to read it.


http://preppysuperstar.livejournal.com/14297.html


thanks guys...love you all

How I Miss Camp Sunrise!!

it is after midnight so i can update now. my eye is twitching...i hate when it does that...does it when i am crying...im not meaning for this to be a sad post...just a thinking post. alot of thoughts are running through my head...hell im a girl...thats how it works lol...im reading a story online by this amazing writer. it is a story with many different charactors that tie together...but amazing none the less...it is about basically waht it is like to grow up. more wonderful is how two of her charactors are gay...and you get insight into their heads about what it is like for them. she has so many good remarks too...like you guys know how i say straight as a bent arrow...well hers is queer as a three doller bill...or the other really funny one was how come gay men hang out in closets...they just made me laugh...she realyl is wonderful...but im not posting about her. one of the charactors fathers died (happy yes i know) but again i got to thinking about Sara. and how her death is affecting me so much differently then Johns. with john...i wanted to give up for so long...i just couldnt handle. with Sara...i just want to keep going and make my dream come true. if not for myself but for her. she was always behind me. i want to live this dream that i have and make it work for me. and i want to do it for her.

anways another thing this post is about is Camp Sunrise!! many of you might or might not know...I am Christian. I do believe in God and i do belive in Heaven. i dont act it much but i am. have been pretty much all my life. anyways...Camp Sunrise is a christian camp that i went to last year...and the moment i steped on to the camp gound i knew i loved this place. it was somewhere that everyone fit in. everyone loved each other. it was truly amazing there. i was ok to be alone there. i wasnt for a lot of the time cus this is one of the many times me and emma got really close. as she has told me the camps before this...she has kinda been alone...but we were together a lot. it was just amazing there. after the three days two nights...i hurt when i laughed...and then i laughed more cus it hurt...i dont think i ever posted on here about it...but i can still remember a lot of it. like me and emma walking around vancouver on our way home in our youth councills t-shirts (shirts from the camp) and of corse they are *ahem* white...lol then we went and had these ice coffee thigns..in freezin weather. it was nuts. but so much fun.

at the camp was awesome too...we had worship and it was a live band. and such fun songs...you just couldnt help dancing. and funny people. like sean. youth paster master! he can balance ANYTHING on his nose. he does magic too...he is not your typical paster either. man he is awesome...and then there is...mike mark matt and many other people....and many mike and marks....i cant keep them straight...dont even try either. all in all wonderful camp...and i miss it tons.

but it makes me more then happy to think of it. i am truly happy right now guys. i really really really am. i dont think i have been this truly happy since school ended. i've now learned to keep my memories as that. not to try and relive them but to make new ones. regret nothing. but learn from everything. i will make it in this life. if i do nothing else...i will suceed at being me.

*swoons*

i love butterflys...they are most wonderful....and when you cant get someone off your mind...usually i frown apon these things...but not this time...im liking liking someone that other people dont know...it is really nice...

im going to try and slow down on the updating...people cant keep up lol. one a day should do...i think i already did today but you know what...WAHTEVER!!

run freedom run!!

so i cant stoping singing these songs...my mom thinks i am going crazy cus i keep singing the same line over again....hahah i have almost the whole soundtrack from my friend Andrew, he did Urinetown last year at Vanier (yes yes i know... Vanier... yuck...) but he is cool. he told me a lot of things about their production and i just laughed. we talked for a long time about the show and some of our fav songs...when i told him our bobby could sing amazing he just started being really excited...it was kinda scary but funny. he will be comming to see the show...and maybe bringing some vanier friends...which would rock cus i havnt seen them since festival.

but this is fast becomming my fav show. very fast. i havnt stopped listening to it and i read the whole script and score last night. i love that i can read the score and understand the notes. and play it on my clarinet. which rocks me whole being. i fucking love this show. and i love listening to them sing. gary picted some amazing voices. like the guy playing bobby...my god he gave me shivers. he is amazing. and the girl playing penny...and hope...god they are just all amazing and sound really good together. i just rambling cus i love it. our productiont team is tres awesome too. dean is awesome and hilary and julie and gary....fuck it was awesome. i just had so much fun last night i didnt sleep. not till 6 in the morning. and i woke up to the songs stuck in my head again. its crazy. but im happy...

im happyier then i have been in a long time. having people respect me is awesome. and hearing alleah say to some people down the hall that i was awesome...just made me smile. i just fucking love them. i cant wait to get to know them better. im really excited to work with them. they are all so focuesd on what they are doing. no fucking off or anything. i love it. i love them. i love me :D

i love life!

k so today was pretty much awesome...got to sleep in till two in the afternoon...danced around my house like an idoit...went to the urinetown production meeting and rehersal...and i fucking love that show and the people. honestly they rock my world. oh yeah...and to those who know my secret and read this....tis over and done...i've moved on...i rock serously hardcore

now something fun

1.YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & color of underwear)
Benji Blue

pretty cool.

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fav ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)
Cookie Dough Goudie Ring

long enough

3. YOUR "FLY Guy/Girl" NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)
M-Mca


4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME:(fav color and fav animal)
Pink Cat

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Alleyne Vancouver

6. YOUR STAR TREK NAME: (1st 3 letters of last name, first 2 letters of first name, last 3 letters of mom's maiden name)
Macmiyne

Wha??
7. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
Green Chocolate

(i was going to say milk...but that would just be too much)

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
Tom Irvin

(sweet)

9.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother & father's middle names)
Alleyne Thomas Hilsion

10. JEDI NAME (middle name backwards, mom's maiden name backwards)
enyella enyella

loves it!

i need a hobby

and people say they blog alot...i dont think anyone blogs as much as me...insane-ness...shows that i dont have a life...

i love watching the movie "Camp" it always reminds me of why i am in this buisness...i want to do things like this. i want to act and be part of productions. it was funny cus in one part of the movie it is durrning a rehersal for one of the plays they are putting on...now this time i watched it (last time i watched it was in the summer...before i started at mal of corse) and you could see in one shot a guy working on a light...just from one frame i could tell what kinda light it was and what he was doing (he was taking out the bulb) and there were so many instances like this where i looked at the corners of the frame and saw lights....or the "booth" (which btw was just a sound board on a table...) it like DAMNIT can i not watch a movie without seeing all these things...

pretty sure i have told this story but when i went to hawaii...we were watching a huge show...and everyone was all talking and being all happy about being in hawaii...i turned to emma and said "look how many lights they have...*starts counting* jezze there has got to be a 3 hundred on the frame alone...*looks around more* and look look they have 9 spot lights...*lights go on* is it sad that i know what gels are on those lights...*starts to name gel names*" emma-leigh "SHUT UP AND WATCH THE FUCKING SHOW!" "ok...*shows procedes...me looking at the lights more then the preformance...watching them change and looking at the lights i wished i could work with..when all a sudden* em...look....look at the spot light...he missed his cue..." "how could you tell that?" "well look at the other light on the other side of the middle spot...they are supposted to light the three dances the same way...the right one was off his cue and the guy was in darkness for a second" *emma leigh moans* show going on more till intermission...then michelle spends the entire time thinking of how to get and see the lighting board....and tells emma leigh every idea...and doesnt stop stareing at the lights...nor stops talking about them,...noting changes and screw up and not watching the preformers for more then a few mins without looking back at the lights/booth*


i do love that story...it happens a lot now with me...like when i saw a show at the port theatre...i think it was the nutcracker...and i noticed those things...am i never going to be able to watch a show again?? even when i was watching beach fest this summer...all i did was look at the lights...and watch the guy on the sound board...and the guy on the spot light who kept falling asleep (or it seemed like it...whenever the cue came...the preformer whould have to stare at him) oh sigh...well...i guess that just means people will have to get better...

lol./..long enough post batman!!

haha wasnt long enough...this is an edit and it is too cool to pass up


lets start at the beginning of this tale...so i was browsing through my online course...just checking out people...when i come across a name that is really really firmilur to me...so i think...why do i know this name...*click* she is the stage manager for urinetown. i have been in a corse with her without even knowing it. so i emailed her...told her i was her asm...and i just got the email back and turns out she wont be there for most of december so im going to be doing her job when she isnt there...so im pretty excited for that...and im really excited for the show...Dean and Gary ( the producer and director) have been emailing me and im so stoked. and i dont have to worry about rides...Gary lives two streets away from me :D which works out perfectly for me. the director will have to be there for rehersals...and for productions? well it is at mal...wont be hard to get home! so yeah...my exciting news for today!!

*turns to audience* "well, you can go home now"

**tis a quote from Jerry Finnegan's Sister**

it hurts to breath

today was hard....i kept trying not to cry but they had us close our eyes and say goodbye and i just bawled. i couldnt stop. i hurt so much to be there yet it hurts more that Sara wasnt. there were so many things i didnt know about her...i wish i could have told her how amazing she was. or given her a hug one more time. last time i saw her...i brushed her off cus i had to get to the show...it was the wednesday matenee and she was at the store and i was in a rush to catch the bus. i wish i had talked to her now. i wish i has spent more time with her. she was my birthday buddy. well kinda...her bday was one day before mine and last summer we went out for dinner with a friend of both of us. it was so much fun. i love her laugh. it was one where you had to laugh along with her. they had her shoes there. how many times did i bug her about her shoes :P you know the ones with all the holes in them? the rubber ones? she would always wear them...she had like three.

good things do come of this...im not taking anything more for granted. i have many great friends and i cant let them go like John and Sara. Im going to force myself on people even if they dont like it. :P lol just kiddding. but im going to go back to smiling all the time. even if things are hard...im going to smile. and im going to keep smiling. and im going to give more hugs. there was a poem today about hugs. and silly things like there is no tax on a hug or it doesnt have any bi-products...it was great. so hugs too all!!

Goodbye may seem forever,

today has been another rollercoaster for me...just look at the blogs...i've been cranky all fucking day and I AM ANNOYED WITH MYSELF! and really tired...im really tired..my key board is falling apart...the space bar is all weird and now...my left arrow key is screwd...oh well...three year warenty :P wow it is late...i should be in bed...tomorrow is a long hard day...apparently i am heading to nanaimo in the morning or afternoon...depends on when mother wants to go...before or after the memorial. there were paper clippings today...say how she will be missed...and she already is....and i cant stop thinking about her newfew...im going to cry tomorrow...i dont like to show my weakness...i like apearing like i am stronger then i am...but im not....compared to what i was...im weak now...emotionally i am spent...to the end...god tomorrow is going to be hard....

but anyways...today has been interesting...just watched fox and the hound...i love that movie...and i forgot how sad and bittersweet it was...maybe cus i didnt understand it...but .... it is sad....so i cried...for like 20 mins and i just keep saying "i dont want to say goodbye" while the song goodbye may seem forever" from the movie...i had kinda a break down....and certian lap in judgement...but i came back to my bed and turned on my radio...the song that is playing is one of my favs when i turned it on...the origional version of "give me the beat boys" great song...that made me smile...and then i changed it to a different station and the folling song was playing


You wait, wanting this world
To let you in
And you stand there
A frozen light
In dark and empty streets
You smile hiding behind
A God-given face
But I know you're so much more
Everything they ignore
Is all that I need to see

You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment you decided to let love in
Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in

I wish
Wishing for you to find your way
And I'll hold on for all you need
That's all we need to say
I'll take my chances while
You take your time with
This game you play
But I can't control your soul
You need to let me know
You leaving or you gonna stay

You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment you decided to let love in
Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in

There's nothing we can do about
The things we have to do without
The only way to feel again
Is let love in

There's nothing we can do about
The things we have to live without
The only way to see again
Is let love in

You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment you decided to let love in
Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in



i'd heard it before but never listened....it is a great song...means a lot to me right now...

a ribbon on my wrist says do not open before christmas

forgot how much fall out boy makes me feel better...yes i know....i like weird music...and pretty crappy music too...but it makes me feel better...and it reminds me of high school and me and emma always singing them...ahh good times...
i think i am in a better mood...it is fun to have internet in my room...i love my laptop...and turtles...they are tres great...and im going to watch other movies...i might watch eurotrip....or something along those lines so i can laugh...dunno...something funny....or rent...cus i heart that movie...or a disney movie....maybe i'll watch the lion king...no probably not...cry to much in that movie...maybe little mermaid...no watched that already...hmm...i will find one
or maybe i will make something new to hang on my wall...or...I CAN SCRAP BOOK!!! yeah thats what i am going to do!!! got to go scrap book!!!

Its All Set In Stone

Im done...I have given up...im not trying anymore...this week has been the worst week of my whole life and NO ONE IS THERE TO HELP ME! no one...i feel more alone then i have in years. i should have a bunch of new friends but i dont feel like i do. i feel like the put up with me. and im probably not going to get any comments or even people reading this but i dont care. im done. im done trying to be liked. done done done done.

Sometimes It Feels Just Like I Am Falling In The Ocean

losing it again....i feel really sad...im really missing everyone right now...these last few days all i have wanted is a hug...thats it...is that so much to ask? but no we had to be snowed in and ARE STILL SNOWED IN! gah! i hate this...i have to go to another memorial/funeral thing...whatever....She was my girl guide leader...and so i am going in uniform...but other leaders are going to be there...i dont wanna have to talk about my life...im going to have people asking me "are you ok?" NO IM FUCKING NOT!! i just lost another friend...two days after Johns 6th month...so now i am going to have the 25 and the 27 be absolute hell for me every month....haha next month should be fun...right around Christmas...wow that makes me feel great...knowing what their familys are going through! this is so hard...it is always there but i cant accept it...i cant believe she is gone..it doesnt make sence...she shouldnt have gone...it wasnt her time...then again...who have i lost where it has been their time...one out of...god i cant even count how many...at least 10...and more comming...i cant even sleep...i just need out...and to see my friends...im not going to get though saturday with people...i feel so alone and helpless....

I like...Stolen From Martha

Start every sentence with "I like" nothing else. See how long you can go for, don't censor, write everything that comes to mind :)

I like living in Nanoose
I like going to college
I like growing up
I like the pretty snow
I like being able to go out of my house
I like being able to party this year
I like being able to drink this year
I like egg nog
I like being cuddle
I like hugs
I like kisses in the snow
I like kisses in the rain
I like kisses
I like waterfalls - expcaially the one behind my house
I like my cats
I like how my cats can always make me laugh and that they are addicted ot Cat Nip
I like my house
I like haveing my own basemant suite
I like emma - leigh very muchly
I like that we might be moving in next year
I like my old high school and my new school
I like my high school friends
I like how they know who i am
I like being bored enough to do this
I like being with people who care about me
I like that I have that with some people
I like being trusted and I like Trusting people
I like being me...and i wouldnt change me
I like being scared
I like being touched
I like that people dont know things about me
I like boys
I like my family and wouldnt trade them in
I like the glade moon lights
I like watching movies
I like tristan and isolde
I like Titanic
I like music...all shapes and sizes of it
I like finding new music and sharing it
I like finding a new movie and telling people about it
I like watching movies till 6 am with friends
I like playing video games till 9 am with friends
I like video games
I like the game tony hawk a lot
I like being able to kick peoples butts at video games
I like having my egg nog
I like acting
I like tech
I like backstage
I like that i am going to make it in this buisness
I like that i wont give up till im dead even if i say i am
I like my drive and will power
I like that i am stobborn and pig headed
I like being annoying and immature
I like how that makes my friends even more special to me
I like how I am finally over Chris
I like how I have people to thank for that
I like meeting new people
I like meeting people again
I like finding people i havent talked to since i was little
I like how i still talk to people from elemantary school
I like how pretty it is out my window right now
I like that i wont be stranded much longer
I like how i am going to go and play in the snow
I like how this went
I like my friends
I like liking things
I like the warm fuzzy feeling
I like the butterflys
I like being a little bit nervous
I like chasing my dreams
I like having people i have known forever in my life
I like me

bored bored bored bored booorrreeedd

step one in what happens when michelle gets this bored...take many useless web camera pictures which i will really never show half of them cus they are stupid dumb things...well cept emma...cus she already thinks i am a camera whore and a poser so i take them...show them too her and we both laugh about my sillyness...




step two...i go find many icons in which i share with my friends...like the one above i was going to post on Amber's nex but got lazy and decided to post it here


step three has no picture cus i am getting lazy...i watch movies over and over and over till i memorize them...like lotr and tristan and isolde (if you have not seen tristan and isolde i suggest it...sooooo good and really romantic...and come on...accents...and i did find a video clip...and song...and it is awesome and you shall love it...



step four...i write in my blog...hmmm how could i show this picture??

step five...i run around my house like a crazy person...speaking of which brb

alright im back...and i give you

step six...sleepy time...i sleep off much of my day so that i can make it go much faster and dream of a life where i am not trapped in this snowy hell hole...and i was going to do something tomorrow if i was home from school and i dont remember what that was again...something to do with outside...maybe pictures....i cannot remember...sleep will help

forget regret, or life is yours to miss

i just want to forget all of this...the memorial is sat at 2...i dont think i can go through another one...i just talked to my friend nikki who i got really close with after John died...and i told her...and i just couldnt talk...the words wouldnt come out...and that is how i feel now...everything i want to say is right there...but i cant...it hurts when i breath and my eyes are burning...i couldnt sleep last night...i just keep seeing her face everytime i closed my eyes. i cant lose people...i just dont let them go...and i dont know why but i cant...i get attached to people to easy...and i cant let them go after...im just so confused right now...nothing makes sence anymore...it is the same when i lost john...i forgot how much it hurt...how you just want to stop thinking and would do anything just for a moment of blankness....i dont know how people can lose people really close to them...like and aunt or uncle or sibling and parent...i would just fall apart...and if i lost one of my close friends...i think i would kinda die along with them....i feel like i have a vise grip on my chest...it hurts too much to breath...and it just keeps snowing...school is cancled tomorrow and so i am stuck agian...day six tomorrow...

not my fault

it is not my fucking fault i have not been to school this past week yet i am being blamed as if i am...just got an email from nabil saying that i have to make up the project cus i had no hand in writing the one we did and i am on my own...serously WTF!>! i have been stranded, and now screwed over. this week has been horrible on me...
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO SEE SOMEONE YOU KNOW ON THE NEWS DEAD!?:!?!?"!?!?! it is all over the fucking news hearing people talk about her like an object? huh do you? hearing all the people talking about how she died and showing pictures and showing where it happened and show them "rescue" her? no you fucking dont and it isnt fun. i WONT be there tomorrow i cannot get there and it is no fault of my own.

you know it is instances like this that make me think fuck it. fuck everyone. they are out for themselfs and screw me over. so this is it...i am done...if i fail cus of this project...then fine...i fail...im sorry someone died and i am snowed in...really am guys this must be fucking hard on you. you have my sympathy!

stuck: day 5

so really really really getting sick of my house....i need to get out of this house....or see someone...i tried building snow friends but it just wasnt the same...and its not as if i am sleeping in and enjoying my time here...i have been up at 6 everyday to see if the busses were running or the street wasnt ice or if the school was open...by the time i got up today (after sleeping till 6 in the morning checking the busses and such) by the time i wa suppoted to wake up (11) my mom said that the school was closing at one...so no classes today...if i have to walk to school tomorrow i will...or if school is closed anyone wanna meet me at the mall so i can at least get out of my house (i can get a ride with one of my friends tomorrow) i really need human contact other then my mom and brother and sister and my babysitting...loserific...i am so bored...im going to go and clean my room....god kill me now!!

RIP

RIP SARA EBELL....you were a great great person...i could talk to you when i couldnt talk to others...you helped me through Johns death and now you're gone...you were a great leader and a great listener...going to miss you forever!! no more randomly running into you...we will never get our camping trip...

She died yesterday after getting in an accident cus of the weather. she was found under a car and died of a heart attack from hypothermia. she was 46

sara...you will be missed...you were a great part of my life


i just keep updating this all the time...i cant get it out of my mind...and i am stuck at home...with my thoughts..which isnt good...the memoral is on sat which means no video...and im sure Sara would have wanted me to do the video but...i just cant...i knew her newfew long time back...when he was a wittly boy...he is the nicest person i have ever met...his whole family is....im thinking alot about them right now...i cant accept it to be true...looking at her picture and i can still hear her voice and her laugh...god this is hard

i do want to say thanks to all the people who have left me comments on here (amber and kaitlyn,,,thanks) and msn (chris...you're always ther when i need you)...you have no idea how much they mean...i hope i can get out tomorrow...i dont wanna be stuck here another day

i really am going insane

what is this?? day 4 stuck in my house without seeing anybody. i cant get off my street....it is a sheet of ice...so i dont go no where till something different happens...there is no for sure that the busses from pville are running...and it is too cold to wait for them on the highway...so...stuck....

My Heart, My Pain Wont Cover Up...

been thinking again...i HAVE to stop my bitching...i complain about everything...and i am starting to annoy myself...im not that unhappy...im really not...i was a lot unhapper before..but this last year changed me alot...this last year has been hard...and i have no problems with talking about it...maybe that is what scares people? im not afriad to talk about my life...there is nothing that i wont talk about...sure I've been through some hard stuff...but talking about it is a good thing...like moving here, going through the pain of growing up...and i went through that just like everyone else...im no different...i just learned to talk about it...i dont know if that is a good thing or not...i know i have great friends...i really do...i have people there for me no matter what...im that kinda person...people dont forget me easy...everytime i got back to parksville i remember that...so why cant other people see that? im the same person...i will probably listen better then anybody ever...i just sit there and let people talk...i keep people sane...dont know how...i just go with what i am told...im not as outgoing as some of my friends but im the one you can always count on...secrets go with me to the grave...i cant help helping...when i see fighing i try and help ususally fucking myself over...which i have done too many times...but i like being in the middle...i like helping...im a people person..i like helping people...maybe that scares you all? i can read people really well...i can see when people are trying to get attention and when they are really hurting...even if the "smile" is there. i read peoples eyes...a talent i have...i can read people really well if i can see their eyes...and dont try lying to me...i can see right through it. im worth peoples time and friendship so why is it im not getting it? why am i not getting what i deserve?

stuck...

i am stuck till the snow melts...that is all

I'd Rather Be His Whore Then Your Wife

guess what i just watched?? lol...that has nothing to do with this post sorry...im in a bad mood so i am going to bitch?? dont like it...fuck you!

so im pretty much sick of being left out...i dont know if it is just me ... but i get that feeling alot...and i never used to...not this bad...i always knew they would be there for me...at BSS i mean...im not to sure that mal people are...i have serous doubt...which is never good for me cus i tend to develope nasty habbits twards people *cough*sarah*cough* they just happen when i dont like the person/dont trust them...im a very trusting person at first...which is really werid...i trust people more when i first meet them and then either they gain more trust or they lose it...and i am a very harsh judge...it could be one comment...and frankly i am really sick of it. i've probably already fucked over anthing with people at mal cus judgements are made when you meet someone...and i wasnt me when i met people...well i was...but i was trying to impress...i was trying to get people to like me...i cant help that...well i can but it is hard and i was dealing with some harsh shit...that is no excuse but ... it made my mind completly off...i wasnt ready...i know that now...i again had to grow up fast...im still growing up...im trying at least...but i dont know if i can trust people enough to grow up...i just wanna start over...try it again somewhere else...i wanna go somewhere where no one knows me...i tried here but people still knew me...like nabil...and it is hard to break some things down...i am not the same person i was in high school...or even the beginning of the year...i've changed so much in the past few months...just remember me at the picnic...remember what i was like then? those silly things you guys made me do...even if i didnt know you now i would be an idiot cus i have learned how to be me no matter what...well at least every place out side of the theatre...im hopeing to bring something new to the group of people i work with on urine town...i have only worked with alleah and nabil...i want ... i dont want to say more friends...but i want different friends...not high school people...they are really starting to piss me off...cept emma but that is a different story...i guess what i am saying is i just want another chance...

in other news...i talked to my dad today...poor soul has chapped lips and scrachy hands...awe muffin...he didnt even fucking know we had snow here....idiot..how hard is it to turn on the TV...i also found out that my aunt is living there...it is my grandpa's place that my dad lives in...but i was supposted to move in when i went to school there...he thinks i can fucking affored rent if i move there...fucking idiot...squash another one of my dreams why dont you??? i HAD planned on going to the university of calgary after this...then NTS hopefully...or finding work in calgary...i dunno something...i wanted to move there but now i cant...jerk face...