Be The Center

wow.....that was the hardest funeral yet....i normally can stop crying for a bit and calm down...i didnt...i bawled...i fucking miss him so much...you never know how much someone means till they are gone....so many memories are comming back now...i used to watch him do karate in the community center....i had girl guides at the same time...i would watch the hall way to the bathroom and sneak out to get hugs...from him and kris...and i forgot about that till the funeral and they showed a picture....or how he was always quoting monty python....or how when you poked him he giggled and jumped away like a little girl...he was one of a kind...this hurts so much right now...going back to school is going to be murder...getting my head back onto life..i just dont know if i can do it yet....but i kinda have to dont i....i know i have to .... its easyer said then done...but everyday now i have someone to live for....Tim....you're the reason im going to go and live life to its fullest...cus you did every single day....

RIP Tim Eric Charlebois

Aug 15, 1989 to Sept 24, 2007

you are forever missed!

I love you Timmy!! <3

I'd show a smile but I'm to weak

so i had my interview for the school in ontario today...i'm pretty much in...the only thing holding me back is the money...its going to cost $36,000...for two years....thats sooo much money...but i want this....and i want it bad...im not going to give up just cus its going to cost...alot....

funeral tomorrow...fuck....

for as long as i shall live i will testify to love

so i got my laptop back...the school i want to go to is calling tomorrow for an interview....things are going great...but i dont feel that....i havnt been to school in 2 days...i really ment to...but i just couldnt...i hate that no one there knows what i am going through...it seems like im just making excuses for myself again..."oh another person in her life passed away" i got it this summer too...i was trying so hard not to bring my life into my job...but it got hard...and i actually got someone comment me back saying i sure do know a lot...yes i fucking do...i dont choose them to die....i wish with all my heart they were still here...i dont like the pain of this...i dont like that 5 of my friends have passed away in the past year...i dont like it one fucking bit...i really miss all of them...i miss running into them and just getting a hug...i miss ian and his laugh...i miss john and his snide comments...i miss tim and our *poke* game...i miss hearing him giggle like a little girl....i miss neil and his stubborness and passion for his job...i fucking miss all of them...

this is why i hate growing up...i was blessed to have seen ian before he died...i havnt seen tim in over a year cus i didnt go back to bss enough...which isnt fair...who is it going to be next that i havnt seen? hold the fuck onto your friends...tell them you love them every fucking day cus they might just be gone the next!

i love you all....

Rest In Peace Tim....I'm really going to miss you! <3

how could you do this to me?

this is getting fucking insane...i just went and looked in my grade 10 year book...4 people in taht year book are now dead...that doesnt include sara or andrew or bryan ...i just counted and in my life time i have lost 14 close people....14....taht doesnt include all the people i knew .... i could add another 10 on there but that is just pointless......
im really getting sick of funerals and people crying and me crying...
i cant stand how long it takes me to get over these things....im still not over losing ian....i thought i saw bryan the other day...i jsut cannot take anymore

RIP Tim

You were an amazing person to know and Im glad you were a drama kid.... *poke tim* I'll never forget you <3

guitar hero

so i am playing way to much guitar hero....serously...every day...probably 8 or so hours....so like 20 ish hours this weekend alone...my eyes hurt but it is totally worth it~!

I Think I'll Change My Ways

Tomorrow's a Brand New Day

and i dont want the world to see cus i dont think that they'd understand

oh how fun it is to look back...
its really weird for me to be havinging converstaions with people that i grew up with and forgot...people i have known since before i was born...people that i have always considered family...and then my sister as well...its so weird...
but nice...it makes me think that maybe i did have a childhood...and its there somewhere in my memory...
it was a long time ago when i started to rememer thigns from back then...when i actually started thinking about who i was...it was like finding clue to a puzzle of how i was made...why i do certian things...why i act wierd sometimes...these new (old) people are helping me remember...and its really nice! ^^

mixer

wooooot was that fun!!!!
i dont remember much...kinda like last year...but i know it was fun and i know i drank a lot which i probably should not have but whatever! getting smashed once and awhile isnt that bad.
this year is going to rock...the first years are awesome and so is everyone else...fuck i have missed theatre!

lets start a riot!

so it just kinda hit me how much i have grown up since last year this time...its really scary actually...i was reading my old entrys in this blog (scary times) and i was all over the place...i didnt have really anything worth while today and i had no confidence...now suddenly i do. i dont think about my old school really anymore...i kinda do but not near what i did...i was fucking obsessed with high school last year...and obsessed with fitting in and being liked. now i am who i am. i am a high school graduate going somewhere cus fuck if i will stay in this town for the rest of my life. i am going to make a difference in my life.
so heres is a thanks to all the people who stuck with me last year. you guys are awesome. i dont think i could have done this without you all kicking my butt and being there for me.

so today was better then i thought it would be...i honestly was terrifyed to go back to school....i did a lot of growing up this summer and i made a lot of mistakes last year that are still bitting me in the ass but i can handle it now....
it just hit me the other day that my friend bryan has been missing for three months and ian has been gone for 2....and john and neil...fuck...it hurts a fucking lot to think about them...but im ready to .... i have tried to push them out of my mind but i cant anymore...i need to feel the hurt and learn to live with it...they are in a better place....john was in soo much pain that he choose to end his life and i can now respect his choice...neil had so much to live for and so did ian but they are in a better place now...they were both amazing people....all three were involved in shows with me and i miss them all terribly....i miss running into john on the street...i miss ians laugh and how i just couldnt be mad at him even when he bugged me...i knew him for so long and i knwo it still hurts a lot of my friends that he is gone..bryan was my best friend for 4 years of my life and had he not have gone missing i fully believe that him me and ashley would have been reunited and celibrated our bdays together in van like we used too....
i dont know where i am going with this...kinda just getting more things off my mind for a full year of school...i need to get my act together before i move...im so scared to get out of here but i know this is what i am ment to do...why else would my new teacher be a concert lighting tech...that is just sooooooooooooooo freaky...of all the people he got the job...since may my life has been turned upside down and i am finally on the right path to something i really want...