tres excited!

excited?? yes I am! fuck i really cant wait till the show goes up. we had our first dress rehersal today...and it went pretty well i think. mind you i have only seen the show once in full so i may not be to accurate...but my page turning went well...although i kept forgetting what pages i was supposted to move...but that will be fixed by show time. i am so very tired right now though...my eyes are in and out of focus...dont know how i got through today at all serously. and i am not even at the tired point of this week...which should come about friday morning/night...by then...i am going to be exausted...and i got stuff to do this week to! we got a project thing for acting that i have not even looked at yet...i got so many theatre history assignments to do...i have only done one ><>

on the other hand...I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED FOR THURDAY!! both thursdays actually. cus well one is opening night and the other thursday my old high school is comming to see 12th night...which if fucking awesome. my drama teacher is bringing the grade 12 class (which is some grade 11's) and i remember comming in grade 11 ( in the grade 12 class) to see Midsummer...so i am tres excited. i remember that trip so well. i just wanted to hang out in the green room so bad...and here i am...hanging in that green room everyday! i really need to go and visit my old high school for fucks sake. i have only been back once! other grads i know have gone so many times but...in truth...i dont miss it as much as i thought i would. i really miss my friends (you guys know i miss you though) but im not as attached to "my booth" as i was...in fact. i "offically" handed it over tonight. when i was in grade 10...i had it offically handed over to me...and now i pass it on to Carman! take good care of it! (em can you believe i just did that?!?!?) it will always be "my old booth" but it isnt mine anymore. i think i am starting to let go of the theatre to. i love the mal theatre....i miss our stage though...that was an amazing stage to preform on.

anyways...enough of this...i will leave with a final thought...

"eat cheeze"

*there is not title*

i cannot think of a title for this as i dont remember alot of my night...so lets start with what i know happened...

i went to rehersal...which was fun...then went to allens to get ready with Jilly, Lisa, Maddy and Nikki...then we went to le par-tay...and i have 3 coolers in 20 mins...with no food all day...so i was feeling it right at about this point...which was like 20 after 11....and then i had 2 more coolers by 12...oh and some of devin's wine...and then this is the fuzzy part...i remember standing on the deck for a bit...and attempting to dance...which failed cus i was bairly standing...then i remember sitting in the room with le couches...and spacing...then at some point taking jills camera and going around to lots of people and taking really bad pictures of myself and i look pissed drink in every picture :P then i dont remember anything till Alleah started passing out in the chair outside...trying to get her to bed...i failed pretty much but Amber took over while i put Kaitlyn to bed and gave Jilly lots of hugs...then trying to get other people to bed...so about 3 in the morning most people were in bed...cept for me Brad,Devin, Jordon G, Jess, And Chris...so we went and smoked a few joints i believe...then brad fell down the stairs.,..then we went back into the kitchen (cus i so badly wanted them to go to bed...i was so fucking tired and drunk adn then at this point stonned)but nope...they went into the kitchen and brad...being so drunk...keeps talking in this almost mexican accent but not really...and ...i dont even remember what he was saying...nor do i remember alot of what happened at all! god...ah but twas fun man!!

par-tay time!!

woot i am soo excited!! i wish em could come thought :( but she tis sick...next time!! :P tonight is so close yet so far away...rehersal first...then party :D...which is going to rock cus it is us! :P anyways...short entry to say i will not be home till....tomorrow sometime...dunno when...depends on whether i feel up to painting

so i shall see you all then! :D

at the edge

e gad i am getting close to break down! highs and lows like crazy! i got the show comming up which make me beyond happy but...it has been 5 months since John died...and that hit me hard yesterday...i havnt cried over him in a while but yesterday...i cried almost all the way to school...i was fine untill i passed his drive way...and i thought i saw him...but...then it realized that it was gone. or he was gone...it just put me off all day...luckly i got to do some lighting stuff...which made me busy so i didnt think...then people started to come back...and i went into my mind again...and i didnt have any smokes! what is that?!?! thank god for Alleah and Alex...dont know what i would have done without them yesterday...crazy probably...or in a corner by myself...so anyways...then rehersal started...and i painted with Lisa which was oober fun...then court called me and her and heather came to visit...and again i realized how i am not the same person i was....i think i lost the fun side that i used to have...or i got a new one...cus...i dont know how to explain it...i just felt soo different...it felt so weird....like they dont know who i am anymore...hell even i dont know who i am anymore. i just wish i could figure this out sometimes

sunshowers and rainbows

oh man today was good....i didnt think it would be concidering what tomorrow is...and that my last surviving grandparent had a stroke and is in hospital (no no this isnt a sad entry i promise!!!) but it was great...i was danceing...in the rain...but that is later...so started out normal...freaked another friend out with my tongue ring...went to school...had a cat nap in theatre history...sat and laughed at lunch with Jo and Ky...went to stage craft and got to work with lights...and anthony...who basically is the reason i am a tech...ready for story time!! so three years ago we had the north island drama festival at my school. (same festival i met Jordon G and Ky and Ace...thought they dont remember me) so anyways...anthony was with dover and of corse...he brought his own lights...now back then...i had NO idea what the fuck i was doing with lights...i didnt know what a dimmer pack was...i didnt even know we had one at my school...so basically ...it was a bit of a hassle to get the lights into our board...and cus i was pretty much useless...but i didnt want to be...very next show we did at BSS i was the tech...so that is pretty much the story...you know...it is kinda weird working with the people that got me into theatre...i didnt think i would ever see them again...but now here i am...working on a show with them...and becoming friends with them...and i still feel like the stupid teen i was at the festival....god i was only 15...that seems so long ago...that was before i was friends with emma-leigh and before i met Chris...i was such a different person back then.

so anyways...back to today...so we did the whole lighting thing, with me going on a ladder...which, ever since my principle droped me off a ladder when i was in grade 7...and so that was really fun...i was freaking the first time but whatever...i will get over it. so did all that...got to learn a BUNCH more about lighting...then went to woodgrove and it was raining...but it was nice rain...it was a sun shower...and then i saw a rainbow...a full rainbow!!! it was amazing!! so today was pretty much brilliant...

oh yeah...and i am working on the running crew for the show...got the halloween party on fri...with emma leigh...and the show and halloween next week...and i got an email from Echo and i get to help with tech there for a show...and i might get to be ASM for urine town....fuck...i love life sometimes!!

so confuzzed ><

i am sooooo confused!!!!!!! i hate being confused!!! i hate that my parents are seperated!!!!! i hate it i hate it i HATE IT!! god! being torn between two parents is insane. i hate hurting my mom...but i love spending time with my dad. in my family...my mom is the hard ass and my dad is the one who lets me do what i want. and i want to see him!!1 god i am such a daddy's girl...always have been. even when i was little i would rather be watching my dad build something or work on his car then watch my mom bake or play with barbies....mind you i lvoe barbies...but they got shafted when i was with my dad...it was just ... i felt i dont even know...i liked being with my dad...everything was so simple to him. nothing was complicated. i hate when things get complicated. simple is the way to go. maybe that is why i like hanging out with guys more then girls...mind you i lvoe my girlfriends...but i would much rather be working on a house or a car. growing up i had 2 best friends...one being a guy and one a girl. and i always wanted to be with the guy over the girl...i love tormenting his sister with him. we were horrible to her...oh god those were good times...everything was really simple then. i never worried about if he liked me or not or other things along those lines. we were just friends...and that was it.

oh god here i go again...bed time!!!!

please

guys check it out...it is the first half of the script i am writing for my online class...and i have put so much work into it....and i think it is comming out good....most of it is fiction but the last scene is an actual convo i had with one of my friends...so be kind

http://www.deviantart.com/view/41845663/

so...

i dont really blog much when sick....serously...this is the first one today...and only one yesterday///and one the day before...wow...that is pretty lacking for me.....

what is new...still sick....and according to what Amber wrote on my thing i am at my own step cus i dont have a listed spot...no mention of wanting to kill my head for constantly hurting or burning up to insane temperatures as to make me imagin things....eh gad i is sick.....


going to sleep again...im trying to rest so i can make it tomorrow cus i am really questioning if i am going to make it....laters all love you al :D

hur-umph

being sick sucks monkey balls!!! i cant even drink water right now cus it feels like my throat is in a vice grip!!! and i was supposted to go out tonight!! oh yeah...i am very sorry to the person that called me last night telling me to get down to 70...i dont even know who it was....alls i remember is hanging up and going...who the fuck was that?? i was on so much medication and shit. i was asleep and the phone rang and it was my 3rd phone call while i was sleeping...i was pretty pissed.

so anyways....i am really really sick. i dont think i have got off this couch all day...everytime i get up i get dizzy and sit down. fuck it sucks.!! damn pre-show sickness!! every fucking time. i dont remember a show that i wasnt sick for...but i think this is the worst...other then the time i sprained my ankel...

ok happy post damnit!! yesterday...was a fucking blast...the grudge 2 rocked,....everything you wanted to learn in the first one you got to learn in this one...and the acting was wy better...and just hanging out in the mall with my bestest friends was amazing...and running into all the people i did...most of them i have not seen in weeks....and hanging out with Chris...made my week....it made me realize that...we just really wouldnt work....he is far to different then i. it hurts a lot to realize this but....it will be better in the long run. and he doesnt like the tongue piercing...so it just wont work :P lol.

so i am going to lay down again...this sitting up is hurting my head.....untill next time!

~M

yuck

so this is going to be quick...i am so fucking sick i cant even move....i am on my way to bed now at 8 at night...i hate being this fucking sick

but today was fun...hung out with emma mandy and brittelz , saw the Grudge 2 (which rocked) terrorized the mall, the bus and the movie theatre....laughed at the funny twinky people who looked ready to kill us....met up with dear Chris...saw millions of my friends including the lovely martha and lishy and kimmy and dovina and ... you get the idea...then went on bus...hung out with JC...went to sos...came home...

i will update more tomorrow (since i cant go to the build :( :( :( :( :( :( cus i think i would die...or puke everywhere...no fun man. ) so yeah...see you all on monday (jilly i wil being the cookies monday...sorry sweetie

hearing those words, it makes me weak

[this is a michelle being emo again...pass it over...i just needed to type]


oh jeeze...why is there always a guy you CANNOT GET OVER!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Em...im not over him for fucks sake. i've tried to find someone new...i really have...but ... no one measures up to him....there have been times...when i could have gotten someone...but i didnt...cus i kept saying..."he might just choose me" but it always ends not in my favor...and it isnt one of those stupid crushes...it will be two fucking years in feb...yes i remember the actual fucking date...so i am boardering on stalking...so fucking what?!?! and it kinda pisses me off how his current girlfriend actually told me to go for him...cus she was interested in someone else...so i tried..and i just havnt stoped....and i have tried EVERYTHING! just being his friend doesnt work cus i hate hearing about his girl troubles (typicle girl...i think i wouldnt do that every time he says somethin >< ) gack i am talking to him about falling in love right now...this is horrible for my emotional well being...very very bad....grr...i miss how we used to talk...fucking stupid me telling him...god..im an idiot...god i dont wanna fucking cry over him anymore...god i am so emo...its just...i have liked him for so long...ok scrach that...i really do love him...it passed like a long time ago. he is amazing...(em this is the time you are supposted to smack me back in to reality...but you are not here so i go on) WHY CAN I NOT GET OVER HIM!>!>!>!?!?!?!? GOD!! he makes me want to cry...damnit! i miss talking to him for hours...we would always talk about the hard stuff in life...like love and relationships and losing people and death and where we go after we die (which was the hardest topic ever cus he almost did die :'( ) maybe that is why i am so attached to him...cus i could lose him. why does laughing with him make me want to cry?? serously havnt talked to him like this in...months...the beginning of the summer or something...and i am totalyl crying now...it isnt fair...why can guys do this?? why can they make you want to feel everything and then not feel anything in the matter of 5 mins?? god everytime he makes me laugh i cry...this is nuts...im nuts

*untitled*

tis cool enough to be a simple plan song :D

haha so yesterday was pretty much fucking awesome. i was planning on it being a quiet night at home but nope...i went out to the gay bar again...mother was pretty pissed but whatever...i do not care about what she thinks...i can do what i want i am old enough....so anyways...went out....almost sang a song (i dont do the whole "microphone" thing...i sing loudly beside the person singing...i dont need a fucking microphone..) so anyways...me and Jilly again were the drunkin first years...fuck i love her...we drinking buddies...dating all the way back to the mixer :D lol...i remember most of the night....more then i ususally do when drinking :P i remember the songs...just not what i did when standing still .... i love the people i hang out with....so then me and amanda went back to her house...and apparently i said that we should go for breakfeast...so she woke me up at 8! in the morning...and we went for breakfeast....then school....then home...and no i tired...goodnight

where is my helmet??

haha today was a good good day. aside from waking up early and the whole theatre history class...who am i kidding...theatre history was even good today. i sat beside non theatre lisa...and we talked about cool things...mainly our tongue rings and the cool ball we have...and kissing with different bars...oh yes it was koool...then...oh yeah lunch...were i dont think i stopped laughing...the porn convo was expecially great...and then we took a picture of all of us...which will be SEXY ... and then i went out side...and introduced Amber to snap dragons :D which was a joy in itself...(rip poor poor snap dragons that people killed...you were loved) seroulsy Amber...you are my hero! :D...and then it was time for stage craft...and let me tell you...IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!! i was in a group with Devin and Spencer...holy crap i laughed quite a bit....everything out of either of their mouths was an inuendo...and they were funny. but we did come to the conclusion that we really cant do much...Spencer cant mix spackel...and Devin cant drill a hole...(he was trying to drill a hole with the drill set to backwards...and im pretty sure that people watching knew about it too but didnt say anything :P...which made it better) it was just great...we are the SEXIEST GIBBLEDS EVER!! lmao...great fun....so then i went to the bus...stupid bus...but i got sushi...which was wonderful...then went to brandies work...and she is fucking funny. she is my moms friend but still cool (she is like 32...so still pretty much a kid...but aweomse...she owns beach wear in nanaimo :D) she is le coolest :D

and then i got home...and here i am:D

post whore

so i post alot...this is only one of my 6 journals too lol...oh man.

so my script. i am pretty much at the point that is going to be very hard. im done introduing the charactors..now...i actually have to get into their minds. basically i right now have to get into the one charactors drug addiction. which is going to be hard cus it only goes downhill from there. i WANT to write this so bad. i just dont know how to put myself into this part of my life again. i know i am going to open things that i have put away not to come out again. and then i have to think...what would it be like to lose my best friend. or anybody close to me. the main charactor (the guy) is a combination of 3 people. John, who i loved and lost, David, who i loved pretty much before he started into the shit he is now, and Chris, who is my best guy friend in the whole world who i would die with. and i know alot of people say i would die without someone...but i actually would. there are two people in this whole world that i could not live without. they are chris and emma. i dont know what the fuck i would have done without them. actually i do...i wouldnt be here without them. there have been so many times where i have been so close to giving up...even going as far as saying to chris that john had it right. just before i started school i told chris that. he knew exaclty what to say to make me smarten up. and emma...well god how many times have i been in a pit and she helped me. to many to count actually. probably more then she knows of. so i basically have to put myself where i would be if i lost chris/david in one go...the thing with my mind is that to me...i will have to actually make it like they arnt here just to write the script. which is going to be hell. i didnt sleep last night cus that was what i dreamt of. in my dream, i lost chris. so i woke up this morning crying with a headache and feeling sick to my stomach. i woke up thinking i had lost him. it was fucking scary. the most scared i have ever been in my whole life. i have thought of what would happen without him, cus well...he hasnt had it easy. he has been through many operations to "fix" him as he puts it. and i remember the day after one of these that i was talking to emma and it had been about 2 weeks since either of us talked to him....actually no one had. and she just mentioned what if...and i lost it. i had to go under the stairs to calm down. just the mention of losing him brings me to tears.

ok enough M...no more depressing shit

I bet you can't do this,
because only 1 in every 30 people can.
I dare you to tell the me the absolute truth of how you feel about me.
I mean EVERYTHING that you think about me.
Just do it.
Send it in a message or on here if you'd like and then if you have the guts,
repost this question to see what people think of you.
Repost if you feel you can handle the truth


this is something i got awhile ago...and people have posted on it...i really like it cus i get to hear what people ACTUALLY think about me...even people i dont talk to...i love it muchly

so i have been working on my script for my crew 140 class...and let me tell you...emotions were running WILD this weekend...it was crazy. i knew it would happen when i started the script but i didnt think it would be this bad. i went through hell yesterday thinking about how to word it that wouldnt be offencive to people and showing enough of the charactors and all that. it hasnt been easy...and im only done the first scene...im not anywhere close to the end and that scares me very much. it is going to open this wound FULLY and it is going to hurt...trying to keep this all in these past months was not the answer...it hurts...it hurt then to...but i put it aside to help others. talking to my friend last night brought it all on again. she found her roomate dead 2 nights ago..having shot himself...and i just come to think of John. who found him? thinking of the image of him at the funeral was bad enough but seeing him hanging there...oh god...anyways...

im going to go to school tomorrow happy...it feels a little better...just to release some of what i was feeling....and i have had people say they are here to talk...and that makes me feel better...cus one day it is just going to hit...i really have to accepted what happened yet....i still look for him every morning...and i really want to visit the tressel (where he died...there is a memorial) and the waterfalls...which are basically my back yard...but im scared...if i go i dont think i will be able to come back. the memories are still painful. like the time he came up from the water falls stoned out of his mind haveing just decided it was a good idea to jump off the water fall...he was covered in mud and leaves and branches...or when he just moved here...he thought that notch hill was a mountian...i cant drive past it without thinking about him...or stand at the bus stop like he used to...god this is soooo hard

bored again

Myspace Survey...Tell All!
--Info--
Name::	Michelle Alleyne McAulay
Nicknames::	Misha, Miccie, M, Shorty...and others
Birthplace::	Vancouver BC
Current Location::	Nanoose Bay
Hair Color::	pink and green atm
Eye Color::	Green/Blue
Height::	five foot six
Weight::	dont know dont care
Tatoos?::	not yet *cries*
Piercings?::	9...4 in each ear and my tongue :D
Overused Phrase::	killer, for sure, random noieses
--Your--
Bedtime::	when i want
Best Physical Feature::	eyes/hair
Most Embarassing Moment::	well the current one is doing a face plant durring my last show at BSS...it was brutal...full house and everything
Most Missed Memory::	just hanging out without worrying about everything
First Thought When You Wake Up::	depends on what day..ususally fucking alarm
Weakness::	love
Best Friends::	Emma-leigh
Goal For The Year::	i have a few...but to pass my courses
Greatest Fears::	being alone forever and not being loved for who i am
--This Or That--
Pepsi or Coke...:	coke
McDonalds or Burger King...:	neither
Hot Tea or Ice Tea...:	ice tea
Chocolate or Vanilla...:	vanilla
Water or Milk...:	water
Coffee or Hot Chocolate...:	hot chocolate
Hugs or Kisses...:	both if you are with someone special
Cats or Dogs...:	both
Summer or Winter...:	summer...no winter...fuck i love them both
Scary Movies or Romantic Comedies...:	depends on the mood i am in
Love or Money...:	love
Green Grapes or Purple Grapes...:	purple
--Lover--
Perferred Eye Color::	dont matter...but something that stands out...i love eyes
Perferred Hair Color::	fuck if i CARE!
Short Hair or Long Hair...:	dont matter
Perferred Height::	taller then me which isnt a problem
Perferred Weight::	meh
Looks or Personality...:	personality...looks die fast...and are decieving
Hot or Cute...:	i dont care about looks
Skinny...Muscular...or Fat...:	i.dont.care!
--Favs--
Number::	4
Food::	perogies...but recently i have been craving sushi
Type of Music::	depends on the mood
Candy::	brittish candy
Color::	pink
Animal::	blue footed boobie (yes there is a bird called this...and i just fucking love it )
Drink::	chocolate milk
Body Part on the Opposite Sex::	eyes...or hair...i love soft hair
Movie::	too many
Past Time::	reading/writing/drawing/acting
--Have You Ever--
Drank?:	no never *rolls eyes*
Smoked?:	god i hate this question
Been Beaten Up?:	yes
Bullied Someone?:	yes
Skinny Dipped?:	hahaahah good times
Played Spin The Bottle or 7 Minutes In Heaven?:	yeah...cept we called it 7 mins in hell
Toliet Papered Someones House?:	hahahahahaha
Played Poker W/ Money?:	pennies
Gone Swimming In A White T-Shirt?:	no.,..but white shorts
Been Tickled So Bad That You Cried?:	hahahahah fuck i hate being ticklish!!
Been Tickled So Bad That You Couldnt Talk?:	many times...my friends and i used to get into tickel fights...and they got pretty harsh :P
Like Someone And Not Tell Them How You Felt?:	yeah...almost always....actually only one time have i actually told someone..Chris...like 3 times ><
Went Camping?:	i am a girl guide ;)
Used The Restroom On A Tree?:	i do not understand this question
Had A Crush On Your Brother/Sister's Friend?:	yeah
Had A Crush On Your Friend's Brother/Sister?:	friends cousins...yes..i dont think siblings...wait yes...
Walked In The Rain W/out An Umbrella?:	i love doing that
Danced In The Rain?:	yes...in a white shirt...durring a band festival...with a bunch of band kids :P
Told A Joke And Nobody Thought It was Funny?:	hahah many times...i keep them to myself now
Been On Stage?:	no...i am no currently doing the theatre program
Worn Clothes Your Mom Didnt Approve Of?:	yeah...and i even hid them under my sweater...does that make me a rebel??
Been To A Nude Beach?:	not yet,....im sure i will lol
Cursed In Church?:	fuck yes...i didnt mean to though...i didnt know i was in a church...
Been Called A Whore/Slut For Kissing Someone?:	yes...stupid high school
Burnt Yourself?:	not intentinally...but yes i have...with my fucking smoke the other night...it hurt :(
Been Dumped?:	yeah
Dumped Someone?:	yeah...not a pretty break up
Been In Love?:	i thought so when i was in the relationship...but i really wasnt
Been Hit On Someone To Old?:	eww yes
Wanted To Be A Model?:	no
Wanted To Be In The Olmpics?:	not really
Bought Lottery Tickets?:	im not old enough :(
Made Out In A Car?:	i do not think so
Cried During A Movie?:	yes
Wanted Something You Couldnt Have?:	who hasnt??
Made Love On The Beach?:	that would be soo icky
Shoplifted?:	yes
Seen Someone Shoplift?:	yes
Hung Up On Someone?:	yes...
Yelled At Your Pet?:	hahah yes :(
Gotten Seasick?:	stupid ferries!!!
Tried To Strip When Drunk?:	hahah key word...TRIED!
Bought A Thong Cuz The Casier Was Hot?:	no...bought condoms for the same reason...then winked at the kid...it was funny...he was like 14 and geaky...good times
Stalked Someone?:	no
Had A Stalker?:	no
Played A Prank On Someone And Scared Them?:	my brother
Been Embarrassed By Someone In Your Family?:	not anymore...i dont care anymore :P
Felt Bad About Eating Meat?:	no
Protested?:	yup...i walked out my school to get recess back
Been To An Island?:	ummm i live on one :S
Ate Cuz You Had Nothing Better To Do?:	no
Screamed In A Library?:	hahaha by accident...my friend scared me
Made Out W/ A Stranger?:	yeah
Made Out W/ Someone Who Wasnt Single?:	yeah...but his girl friend told him too
Wished A Part Of You Was Different?:	yeah who hasnt?
Talked To A Complete Stranger?:	many times...that is how i got half of my friends
Been Sunburned So Bad You Blistered?:	damn hawaiian sun
Kicked A Guy In The Nuts?:	my brother
Threw Up In School?:	no
Recieved A Love Letter That Wasnt Signed?:	no :(
Wore Something You Hated?:	my uniform
Wore Something To Match Someone?:	on twins day
Been To A Luau?:	yes!!!! it was soo much fucking fun!
Cursed Infront Of Your Parents?:	fuck all the time
Been On TV?:	yup...i was in an add! :D
Been Outta The Country?:	to hawaii!!
Been Honked At While Walking Down The Sidewalk?:	yes...by some really creepy people too
Won A Pool Game?:	yup!
Went To A Party Where You Were The Only Sober One?:	no...most of the time...i am the first one drunk...
Went To School/ Work Drunk?:	fuck this shit...yes...got suspended too
Dieted?:	no
Had An Eating Disorder?:	no
Cheated On Your Other?:	no
Been Cheated On?:	no
Been Paid To Date Someone?:	no
Dated Someone That Was Paid or Dared To Date You?:	no
Tanned Topless?:	yeah
Been Strip Searched?:	yeah
Been On A Plane?:	no i walked to hawaii
Been On A Cruise?:	no
Been Pantsed In Public?:	yes!!
Thrown Your Shoe At Someone?:	hahahahahahahahaha yes
Broke Someone's Heart?:	i hope not :(
Sung In The Shower?:	yup
Bought Something Way To Expensive?:	my laptop lol
Done Something Stupid And Laughed At Yourself?:	many times...
Been Walked In On While You Were Dressing?:	no...wait yes...green room :P
Been Walked In On While Showering?:	no...but in the bathroom once...by my friends friend...oh that was akward
Ran Out Of A Movie Theater Cuz You Got Scared?:	no
Been Kicked Out Of A Mall/ Store?:	no
Been Kicked Out Of A GoCart Place Cuz You Wrecked The Go Cart?:	no
Been In Detention?:	yes
Feel Off A Roof?:	yes..haha that was funny
Pretended You Were Scared So You Could Cuddle W/ Someone?:	no
Been In A Wreck?:	before i was born
Wrecked So You Wouldnt Hit An Animal?:	my mom almost did...for a fucking snake!
Made Yourself Puck So You Wouldnt Have To Go To School?:	no
Threatened Someone W/ A Water Gun?:	haha yup
Been Shot?:	no
Had A Water Gun War?:	yes!! omg that was a fun day
Been Arrested?:	...
--Randoms--
Regret Something You Did In The Past?:	not really
Country You Wanna Visit::	hawaii again...or europe
Way You Wanna Die::	having sex
Like Thunderstorms?:	no
Get Along W/ Your Parents?:	somewhat
R U A Health Freak?:	no
U Think Ur Attractive?:	no
Do You Believe In Yourself?:	no
Wanna Get Married?:	yeah
Wanna Go To College?:	am in college :D
Shower Daily?:	every two days
Want Kids?:	someday
When Do U Wanna Lose Your Virginity?:	tomorrow...oh wait...tis already gone
Do U Hate Anyone?:	no
Can You Unwrap A Starburst W/ Your Tongue?:	i used to...
Do You Think You Can Sing?:	no
Can You Open You Eyes Underwater?:	yup :D
Eat Whatever And Not Worry?:	no
Can You Whistle?:	yup
Can You Walk In High Heels?:	i can RUN in high heels
Do You Sleep W/ The Light On?:	no
Do You Like Super Spicy Foods?:	no
Can You Multitask?:	depends on how tired i am
Touch Your Nose W/ Your Tongue?:	no
Can You Fit In Your Locker?:	no
Do You Spit?:	no
Can You Taste The Difference Between Pepsi And Coke?:	yes
If You Could Wish 4 Anything...What Would You Wish?:	for John to realize how many people loved him
What Kind Of Perfume Or Colone Do You Wear?:	none
What Kind Of Soap Do You Use?:	dunno
What's Your Favorite Scent?:	old spice
Would You Choose To Live Forever If You Could?:	no
Take this survey Find more surveys Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

stick it to the man!!!!

the man being my father. he told me i could never build something cus i was a girl (not in so many words but it was there) and guess what dad?? i fucking build today!! i can do stuff that you would never let me fucking do...stuff you never "had time to teach me" it wasnt hard to "teach" me things...serously it didnt take long for me to learn how to use things. if you had only given me a chance i could have fucking learned and actually been able to help you...but nooooo you would never let me asshole

anyways....good day today...i cant believe how tired i am...my arm is actually going numb right now...but it feels great right now...i started somethign and completed it. something i have not done in years...i usually give up when soemthign goes wrong...but i didnt...and i am very proud of myself.

These are the days, When all I can do is dream

yay old songs!! remember o-town?? haha yeah that is one of their song lyrics...oh jeeze :P lmao...im cool...i really am.

so today...i did nothing!!! and it was great!! i slept late...and got up and did nothing...well went on my computer...and read...fuck good day. i went on myspace yesterday...looking for no one in particular...but i ended up comming across my old neighbor...we used to be the best of the best...her and her dad are the reason i love music as i do. she introduced me to the bands i listen to now...it is great...so anyways...i finded her...it was great...been talking to her...she is in grade 11!!!! at dover...which makes me wonder who she knows/who knows her lol...could find another connection...i like connecting people...it is really fun...

so i have some how put myself back into a good part of the old me...the happy part...the giddy school girl me...the person who smiles all the time no matter what...i think i got her back...my friends used to know me as the girl who always smiles...you know the quote that is like "i wanna be the girl who smiles even when her world is falling apart" something like that...yeah that is/was me...i even got an email about me smiling...it is really awesome. i think i am back to her...but grown up...i think...i dunno...but i just feel realy happy..i feel as though nothing can go wrong...which is not true...but i feel that way.

*steals*

everbody has this in their blog so i steals it now...good luck all...i have weird taste [only doing first 20 cus i have over 600 songs :P) so when people get them right i will put it in green by the lyrics... Good Job Amber and Nabil...come on guys :P

Introduction:
1. Open your current playlist and put it on shuffle.
2. Write down your favorite line from each of the songs.
3. Let your friends list guess the song title and artist without looking it up anywhere.


1- what a wonderful world
I see friends shaking hands.....sayin.. how do you do
Theyre really sayin...*spoken*(I ....love....you).

2-
I can't deny this any more
The facts ignored all done before
And if theres one in this world
You let me know you're not that girl

3-
Your eyes
Drive away my fear
Your eyes
I could just stand there and adore

4-
That all our dreams have no limitations
That's what its all about
Everyone is special in their own way
We make each other strong

5-
Did you really want to scar my heart with words that hurt me?
Don’t hurt me
I don't really want to cry over issues
Wet tissues stick to my shoes

6- I’ve Got A Dark Alley And A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth
And the poets are just kids who didnt make it

7-
The feeling is strange.
It's coming right back.
Right back in my range.
Not worried about anything else,
I'm waking up

8-
Smokin on dubs in clubs, blowin up like cocoa puffs
Sippin Bud, gettin perved and getting dubbed
Daps and hugs, mean mugs and shoulder shrugs

9-
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung,
May you stay forever young,

10-seasons in the sun(this song makes me cry so learn it :P )
Goodbye Michelle, it's hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that the spring is in the air
With the flowers everywhere
I wish that we could both be there

11- Out Tonight
I wanna put on the tight skirt and flirt with a stranger

12- Everytime
Every time i try to fly without my wings i feel so small

13-
So buy a life and sell a teen prophecy
Glam horror mock silver-screen guillotine
Put the whole family on trial tonight
Turn the television off and turn on the lights
With me...

14-
Baby it's the way you make me
Kinda get me go crazy
Never wanna stop

15- Somebody Told Me
I said heaven ain't close in a place like this
Bring it back down, bring it back down tonight
Never thought I'd let a rumor ruin my moonlight

16- I'm already there
Lying right there beside you
But I know that I'll be in your dreams tonight
And I'll gently kiss your lips
Touch you with my fingertips
So turn out the light and close your eyes

17-
Looking for gloriously aged polaroids
(This is the way it is)
(You think it really would make a difference? Would I hang on the beach in perfect black and hide?)

18-
Every day a new deception
Pick your scene and take direction
And on and on I search to connect
But I don't wear a mask and I have no regrets

19-
She getting crunk in the club I mean she work
Then I like to see the female twerking taking the clothes off BUCKEY naked
ATL. Hoe don't disrespect it

20- (this is my fav song in the world...you better get it right :P)
Say goodbye to Mr. Right
Lock the door, turn out the light
Pack your bags, leave this trap
Run away, don't look back
See another day with each new sun
Your life has just begun


GOOD LUCK!!! these are such random songs :P

5 down 15 to go

woot

so i had fun last night...i felt so loved :D i was in a hugging mood..and i got hugs from everybody :D which makes me super happy. i love hugs...they always make me feel like nothing is wrong...i dunno why...doesnt even have to be someone i know...just hugs are cool....and little things like kisses on the cheek, awe gezze i am getting romantic...*slap* bad M bad!! haha i love how i call myself M now...it is so easy to type....one letter and i am done...hokay...random entry...i am tired ok?!?!?! amandas roomates kept waking me up and then the sun woke me up..so i got like...an hour of sleep...and a hangover...which wasnt really kool cus i didnt have a lot to drink...1/4 of a mikey......not very much...but i guess i was tired...and took it straight...and hadnt eaten....so yeah i was pretty pissed last night...and i have discovered a random cut on my hand...and i dont know where it came from...

so i am pretty fucking excited for 12th night...i am having the best time making the set...and i cant wait for my old drama teacher to come and see the show. and then i can be all like "look...i helped build that...they let me use a saw...me...the kid who wasnt even allowed a hammer last year cus it wasnt safe...(i really wasnt allowed to use tools...i think i was allowed a screw driver and something else...i cant remember...i was kept FAR away from any power tools...cus kelly thought girls couldnt operate saws and drills...stupid sexist fucker) anyhoos...

so i was thinking last night...just sitting outside and thinking...i cant fucking wait till my 19th bday...i honestly thought i would be spending it alone and drinking in a bar all by my lonesome...but now...i dont have that feeling anymore...i think i am really starting to fit in...although i could be wrong. i think im growing up em !!!!! the little annoying brat is growing up...took long enough...im not saying i dont gots a long way to go...but ... i dunno...it is just something in me that thinks i am going to be ok....that i am not going to be a loner this year...that i have friends that i can talk to at mal...at least i hope...cus i did feel very alone that first little while...not by anyones fault but my own. and guess what em...I AM NOT A REAL CONTROL FREAK ANYMORE! i still kinda am...but you guys should have seen me last year.

well i think i am going to go and...do something...i think this is long enough for now...jsut a random tid bit into my life...once again :P haha

~M

bored

again michelle is bored...im waiting till Amanda comes and picks me up to go out tonight...i am actualyl going out woot!! im going to take her to the gay bar cus she has never been and it is karoke night...which totally means fun!! im pretty excited...going to wear my hot new shirt...it is going to be a blast!! but bored right now which sucks...i would have stayed at the school but my phone needed to be charged...stupid phone...i charged it yesterday!!!!!! blah blah blah blah!!! gack i hate waiting,...not a paitent person...but then again...who really is??

random day of awesome-ness!!

so today was great...i didnt feel alone...i got there really early...sat in the green room and talked to people...which made me feel better...alot better then i have...makes me think i am not an annoying little kid...well i wasnt today lol. then...oh yeah we had theatre history...and we watched CHICAGO!!!! which was great.!! and then we had lunch..which went by really fast...then stage craft and building!!! which was really good cus i actually felt like i knew something...maybe i should aim more twards the building part of theatre...i am really liking it! what next...oh yeah...SHOPPING!! now normally i hate shopping...but i got my squishy tongue ring!!! which made me happy...and i got my hallowe'en costum!! which is totally fucking happy and great!! and then...well actually b4 shopping...i was sitting at the bus stop...and who get off the bus ... come on guess...CHRIS!!! woooooot!! made me sooo happy...normally i dont see him for weeks even months at a time but this is two times in one week!! i am soo happy. and i learned that he takes that bus everyday so i will most likely get to see him everyday!!!!!! which makes me beyond happy!! i get Chris hugs every day...which might be a bad idea...but i dont fucking care!! but it will be great if i am having a bad day...i will know that i get to see Chris and get a hug...fuck that makes me happy!! so then i go shopping...like i said...and then i go to take the bus and none other then Rick is on the bus! and that was fun!! he made me laugh like i havnt laughed in awhile. i was soo loud...and then i would laugh at my loudness...and then he started accents...and then singing about a man drowning his child (i dont realy know where that came from but i laughed!) and then i got home and put my hallowe'en costum on...which i am currently wearing...which looks HOT!! i fucking love it!! so this is me signing off...i gots to shower! much loves!!!

gawd look at the time!!

am i nuts?? it is 6:47 am!!!!! and i am awake!!!! thank god for coffee :D

I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck

fuck i love that song. so this is pretty much a random entry...like most of mine are. i think i am doing better then i was last week. the build made me feel better about being there. like i was actually doing something....call me crazy but i liked feeling sore the next morning...it felt great! :D fuck i am in a weird mood. i was last night too...i was being a totaly whore talking to one of my friends...it was interesting :P lol...i miss being a flirt. remember festival em?? fuck that was fun...we had a competion on who could get the most hugs from random band kids...i got 8...and some were pretty damn hot too :P...one even didnt have a shirt :D lmao. haha i miss festivals. you meet great people at them. at every festival i have been too i end up making at least one friend...hell i even go to school with some of them now lol. too bad the one act for the high school is in powel river :( oh well... anyways...blarg...i dont even know what i am thinking right now...ever since i saw Chris on sat...i have been thinking. i really got to get over him. i thought i was ... but the fucking butterflys came back and my head was spinning. amazing what this boy can do to me. but it is never going to happen...he is dating one of my friends...even though she fucked him over last time...and i had to hear about it...god...i hate boys...no i dont...but i want to. i want to not care for him....i need to find someone new...well there has been some crushes...but they last for like a week and then i move on...for chris is has been...2 years in feb...holy shit o.O it has been random people for like 3 or 4 weeks on and off maybe...but i have always liked chris. this isnt fair. i just want to get over him or something to happen...but with my luck he will like me when i am totally over him...it would be perfect! lmao..

"lets keep these teen heart beating faster and faster"

bored

Everything people want to know about you...and then some
"The basics"
FULL NAME?:	Michelle Alleyne McAulay
BIRTHDAY?:	Aug 4th 1988
BIRTHPLACE?:	Vancouver BC
HEIGHT?:	5'6"
HAIR COLOR?:	well...it changes
EYE COLOR?:	Green/Blue
ZODIAC SIGN?:	Leo!!
SEX?:	sure
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?:	cloths...or am i o.O
"Your Family"
ARE YOU PRARENTS TOGETHER?:	nope
DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS?:	two full, 2 half
MOMS NAME?:	Shelley
DADS NAME?:	Bill
DO YOU HAVE STEP PARENTS?:	not yet...but who knows
IF SO WHAT ARE THERE NAMES?:	n/a
IS FAMILY IMPORTANT TO YOU?:	most of the time
"Your Friends"
WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND?:	Emma-leigh
WHO ARE YOUR 3 CLOSEST FRIENDS?:	Chris, Emma leigh, (dont make me choose just three)
WHO IS YOUR NEWEST FRIEND?:	ummers...i dont know...
WHO IS YOU OLDEST FRIEND?:	Ryan
WHO IS THE FUNNIEST?:	Mandy,
WHO IS THE LOUDEST?:	Mandy
WHO DO YOU SPEND MOST OF YOUR TIME WITH?:	the theatre people
WHO IS ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU?:	Emma leigh
WOULD YOU TAKE A BULLET FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND?:	yes i would
"Relationships...Past Present and Future"
ARE YOU IN A RELASHONSHIP?:	nope
WHATS THE NAME OF YOUR BF,GF OR CRUSH?:	nope
DO YOU LIKE BEING TAKEN OR SINGLE:	i am really getting sick of being single
HOW MANY XS HAVE YOU HAD?:	2
WHATS THE LONGEST RELASHONSHIP YOUVE EVER HAD?:	2 years
ARE YOU A VIRGIN?:	no
DO YOU WANNA GET MARRIED?:	yes
DO YOU WANT KIDS?:	yes
IF SO HOW MANY?:	3
"Favorites"
COLOR?:	pink
FOOD?:	turkey!!
DRINK?:	chocolate milk
ALCOHOLIC DRINK?:	vodka
SONG?:	oh god i dont know
FAST FOOD?:	subway
SEASON?:	summer/winter
MONTH?:	aug/dec
ANIMAL?:	cat/dog
PLACE TO BE?:	hawaii<333>
MOVIE?:	e gad dont make me choose
CAR?:	any car that runs is good for me
"Have you Ever"
BEEN IN LOVE?:	i thought i had...but it wasnt
SMOKED?:	yeah
BEEN IN TROUBLE WITH THE LAW?:	hahahahah we dont speak of this
BEEN ON A PLANE?:	yup
BEEN OUT OF STATE?:	yup
DRIVEN A CAR?:	yup
ATE AN OCTOPUSS?:	i think i have...it was either that or squid...i cant remeber
"Who What When Where was the last"
MOVIE YOU SAW?:	harry potter and the goblet of fire
THING YOU ATE?:	turkey dinner
PERSON YOU TALKED TO?:	my brother
SHOW YOU WATCHED?:	wahtever is on right now...dont know what it is
PERSON TO CALL YOU?:	ummm...nikki
person you hugged?:	Chris <333333>
person you made out with?:	no
person you slept with?:	no
time you were drunk?:	no
time you threw up?:	haha the last 4 were all from the same night...wow that was eventful
"Just some questions"
do you have any piercings?:	9...4 in each ear and my tongue :D
tattoos?:	not yet
if you could live anywhere where would that be?:	hawaii...i love it there
are you shy or outgoing?:	outgoing when i first meet people...then i get shy...explain that
do you go to partys?:	yup
who do you look up to?:	no one really...
if you could meet any 3 people who would they be?:	tom felton (so im a harry potter nut >< ) my sister, mark (my ausi friend who i have never met)
"This or That"
day or night?:	night
mcds or bugerking?:	neither
vanilla or chocolate?:	vanilla
flowers or candy?:	flowers
coffee or tea?:	coffee
sun or moon?:	moon
funny movie or scary movie?:	funny
pizza or buger?:	burger
"First thing you think of when you hear this word"
spoon:	Chris lmao
batman:	robyn
love:	*blushes* damnit i thought of someone ><
ice cube:	cold
potatoes:	turkey
"Last 10 questions"
who do u miss right now?:	Emma leigh, Chris
when was the best day of your life?:	this is a hard one...the day i met Chris and the day me and emma stayed up on new years with me "drunk on spritzers"
when was the worst day of your life?:	another hard one...the day John dyed, his funeral, the day i moved, the day my dad left...and more
do you believe in soul mates?:	yes
whats your worst fear?:	being alone forever or not being loved
do u believe in ghosts?:	yes
what are your 3 most prized possesions?:	my pictures, my diary, my music
If you could be with anyone right now who would it be?:	Chris/Emma leigh
what song describes your life?:	how many road by kalan porter
whats your most missed memory?:	being in hawaii, or living on the main land
Take this survey Find more surveys Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!!

wooooooot...i can smell the turkey...god i love turkey day...mom didnt have time to make perogies but we have the store bought ones :( which she makes not taste like rubber...she is the best!! <3 my nose is cold...:( not cool man...actually it is cool...that is why i am complaining :P my hands too...i used to have such good circulation but now they are always cold...nope not cool at all. oh well...turkey cooking calls...i have to help :P

"Everyone has a talent. What is rare is the courage to nurture it in solitude and to follow the talent to the dark places where it leads."

another update...cus i am bored

who knows what this is going to turn into...i feel like bitching again cus i am bored and my fucking back hurts!!!! fucking hurt it today building...i shouldnt have been lifting but it was fun!! i miss building. seeing the finished project is something i have always loved. i love starting something and being proud of it. like when we finished the flat today...i felt great. just to be doing woodwork again made me happy. i was the best student in my grade 8 class in woodwork :D haha and i build stuff around the house too...i have built stairs...and i am probably going to have to put up the rest of the siding...which means i have to plain it, sand it, stain it, measure/cut everything and then get on a BIG ladder...cus my house is big...and then nail them up...anyone wanna help?? :P my mom was thinking about just getting vinal siding...but i think that would look like crap on my house. i love how the house looks...but it is going to take sooooo much work. none of the old siding had tar paper underneith it...which i am told is very bad :P haha i dont even know...guess i dont know everything...just emailed my dad...i want the fucking tools back...so i had to pretend that i had other motives while writing the email so he would not get wise to me :P

super good mood :D

so i love life...i know everything is going to be ok now...all cus of one hug...how amazing is that?? well one Chris hug :D ...but it is bad alll the same too. sometimes i think of what would i do with him...and i honestly think i would die. i honestly dont think i could go on with him. which is kinda scary concidering he well...i dont want to get into it....i dont wanna be sad. but anyways heres the story.

so i was sitting on the bus talking and i look at the other bus pulling in...and i see George...and im like ok what is he doing here...and then i see Chris...well i was at the back of the bus...but i wasnt for long. the moment i saw him i ran out side and right into his arms. god i have missed that. i really dont see him ofton enough...i wish i could see him everyday but that just isnt possible...

anyways...i am in such a good mood i have nothing to rant about!!!!!!!! now how cool is that ??!?!?!? :P

E Gad!!

what is with my rebelion to sleep???? i know i have to get up at 7:30 tomorrow yet i cant/wont sleep...i should have been in bed hours ago but no...here i am at 1:18 am still on my comp and not asleep!! i really shouldnt be tired tomorrow...i have to build sets and that should be something you are rested for...but i is not that bright apparently!! or maybe it is my control thing comming up again...i am quite a control freak...but only with myself really. like .. i used to hold my breath when i was younger and things were not going well in my life...yeah im a tad crazy i know...or controling pain...control comes in when i cant control my emotions...which is what this week has been. it has been a roller coaster!! it is so many comflicting emotions that i almost lost it. i just wanna type and have it all work out but it doesnt seem that way. it is other peoples opinions/choices that i cant control. like my dad for instance. i WANT to hate him with all that i have but i cant. i miss him terribly. stupid bastard left us and threw my whole summer off yet...i want him to be here. no matter how many fucked up things he does i want my dad. i really miss waking up every morning to the sports news..i always forget to turn it on...and i miss watching the hockey game with him. it was "our" thing. my mom doesnt like hockey and neither do my siblings...it was a me and dad thing. and i miss learning about the car or what he was building. i want my daddy :( if i didnt think my mom would be crushed i would be living with him...but i cant leave my mom either. when i went to alberta for new years last year...you could just tell my mom was upset. and i know he is going to ask again this year. or he will want to come here...but i dont want him and my mom together. and i dont want him here with his drinking buddies. i hate when he drinks. he always get angry and finds something wrong with all of us. and he drives piss drunk with me in the car. i have driven with him swirving on the road cus he was that drunk.....it just isnt right...

alright...i got into another rant...jeeze i do this alot :P

good mood!

i think i am in a better mood...think...key word here lol...i went out today...which is really what i needed. i went into pville and visited courteney and then got my bar in my tongue changed!!! woot!!! and bought 4 new bars...i got a rainbow one (which i will probably wear the most) a pink one, a blue one and a green plastic one...so that made me happy...only costing me 20...he gave me a deal :D and i got to talk to the tattoo guy...he told me price and all that (about 150...not bad at all) and i talked about design too...he said he would design it for free two weeks before i got it done (i guess so i dont go and get it elsewhere) and size, place ment and such. so it made me happy to be going somewhere on my design. so then i went to the sos as usualy and chilled..listened to my new CD's !!!! i got Hinder, Clay Aiken and High School Musical...and some pins!! i am going to start wearing my pins again...i fucking love them <333>

one thing

i have said this before and i will say it again...it is totaly amazing how one thing can change my mood. i was feeling all crappy again yesterday and certian people just made me feel a lot better. and working with the power tools helped too. i felt like this was something i could actualy do. useing power tools is fun. too bad my dad took all my stupid bastard!!!!!! anyways after that i was just kinda standing outside when Amber comes out and just starts talking about stuff...and she made me feel a ton better. just her comming and talking to me made me feel like maybe i wasnt so alone in that theatre after all. so thanks Amber...you made my day!!!

so on other news...i just got probably some of the best news in awhile. story times kids!! about 6 years ago my brothers teacher started writing a book called "Gifts From The Heart" it is a christmas book with idea on what to do for low budget and such...really great book. the great thing about this book though is that all the money raised is going to cancer reserch...about 100,000 to this day selling around the island. well..my mom was reading the paper today and her book has now been picked up my a major publisher and WILL BE SELLING ACROSS CANADA AND SOME OF THE USA!!!! we waited years for this book to come out and never did we dream it would get this far. she is truly an amazing woman...

what else...well i get my bar changed in my tongue today...pretty excited...going into pville soon...taking a bus ><>

oh geeze

all nighter tonight...= BAD IDEA!!!! it is almost 4 in the morning...i only have two more hours till mother is up...and if i fall asleep now i am going to be more tired then i was going to be if i stayed up....but i am thinking it is time for bed...im burning out and my head is just about to break from pain..so i shall see you all tomorrow...i just hope i aint cranky :P

i complain to much

i still feel like crap...but people dont really want to here that do they??? stupid society,...no matter what mood you are in people expect you to say good when asked how you are...what if i am not feeling good huh??? what if i feel like crap....and i want to voice that...no i cant do that cus people get all weird...serously...no matter what...people expect everything to be great in others lifes and if they are not then they should keep it to themselfs. well i dont work like that...i never have. sure i say things to see people reactions a lot...but when i am actually feeling crappy i want people to actually care...is that so much to fucking ask in this world??? i am so fucking sick of it. if we were all honest then it would be easyer...serously..tell me what you think of me....i want the fucking honest truth cus i cant stand when people go behind my back...if you got a problem with me FUCKING TELL ME!!! there is nothing more annoying then you knowing people are talking about you when you leave the room. i will never forget the time in high school when we were all in the drama room and i went in front of the curtian and most of the Sr's were in the back. well they all thought i had left...so they all decided to talk about me. they were laughing and making fun of me when i was right there...so i just looked at the other girl in the front of the curtian with me...smiled and cried in the bathroom. I WAS IN GRADE FUCKING 10!!!! i hate others...i dont trust people easly...adn when i do...it is usually a good person to trust...i have a good sence of that. gack...how cruel can you fucking get??? so that is what i want people to do...dont have to leave your name...BUT TELL ME THE FUCKING TRUTH!!

crappy

today was not good....im starting to think that it isnt worth it anymore...that i should just give up and become a hermit...im not good with people. i establish relationships with people and i cant let go...and i dont make friends very easy...i phoned emma today at the bus stop and i actually cried...me..i dont cry in public...i felt like an idiot but it is just so hard without her around. im whining again...i know i am being a baby but i feel so alone...god why cant things be simple!! ... i need a Chris hug :( or even talking to him would help but he still isnt fucking talking to me!!!!!!!!!!!! stupid bitch...

blah blah blah

today was...interesting. started off like crap. i missed theatre history AGAIN!!! stupid early morning classes. yes 10:30 is early for me!! went to school...fucked over my shoulder. we were moving FLATS!! which sersouly weigh like 2 pounds...but having my arm above my head has fucked my shoulder. it is in alot of pain at the moment. i really dont want to take the meds either cus there is like a page of what could happen...and not pretty ones. not even supposted to be perscribed to people under 19 but my shoulder is that bad. it could serously fuck up my being able to work on builds and such if i cant lift anything or use my shoulder a lot. so that kinda pissed me off. what did i do next?? hmm...oh yeah...went on an adventure :D it was great fun. then took the bus to woodgrove...and fuck...it was the day for my friends to be there!!! got there...ran into maria...looked a little passed maria and there was JJ!!!! we talked about high school and college...and then i see more people! Nicola and some of her friends were there...and then...i get on the bus and there is Kena...with her boyfriend...he really does exist!! so then i go home...find the potato...and come on my computer...and that was my day...my shoulder is really hurting right now...oh yeah,...i talked to em today. she made me feel a little better about being anti social...she is the same way at BSS...see told you...same brain. i texted her today and we were in the same mood. go figure eh?!!

Damnit!

i dont think i can visit BSS anymore...it makes me really depressed. i feel so left out whenever i go back to mal cus of "how it was" im still a high school kid. i really am. and i miss my emma. oh i miss her more then ever! she always understood me. no matter what. and we are both like this. on friday when i visited i was the happiest i have been in months. since school ended actually. i miss seeing her everyday and just being able to talk to her for hours on end. we come as a pair. we have for 2 years basically. we did everything together. like I've said...we ARE sisters. we think like sisters, we act like sisters, hell we are sisters. but...we grew apart ...not emotionally...but situations are pushing us apart. like we dont go to the same school anymore and i have not been to her house since the last school dance and she has not been here alone since well before that. i miss doing things with her. just her and me. sure i love the people we hang out with but for god's sake i miss her! even though we are so far from each other we still think alike. it is rather funny actually. i will just randomly phone her one day and we will basically have the same news to tell each other. it is scary. we share 1.5 brains. i feel so alone without her. they say you are supposted to make your life long friends in college...but i really have found mine. i went and friday and within 10 mins we were already thinking alike. i really feel like half of me is missing every time i go to school. shes told me she feels the same. like when she called me a few weeks ago when we all went to fast eddies she was telling me how she actually went looking for me...people swore she had lost her mind. i just want her here now. i want her to be in college with me. i know im supposted to be independant but i dont fucking want to...i want my emma!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she just understands me in a way no one can. she knows me better then i know me.

fuck love

Every girl has that one boy that they `ll never get over.

That one who makes them laugh.

The one who you get butterflies just when someone says his name.

The one who has his name written all over your heart.

The one who you compare every guy to.

That one boy you never could get sick of talking about.

The one that you cry over && over about.

The one that no one can understand why him.

That one everyone thinks you can do better

You don’t just fall out of love with someone.

Someone that gives you butterflies every time they're around

Someone who can constantly make you laugh and put a smile on your face

Someone you can trust with your life

A guy that the closer you get, to harder he is to resist

The guy you can't stop thinking about when he's not around

The guy you can't stop looking at when you're with him

Someone that treats you like a goddess

Someone that makes you grow into such a better person.

You don't just fall out of love...ever

yo

im bored so i am writing...i got not much to say...but i will say it load damnit!!

i got a whole bunch of scripts from my old drama teacher...some of them are pretty good. i think i am going to submit one of the one act festival. i really wanna direct one. i think it would be a blast.

the tongue is doing awesome...it looks fucking hot!!! i love it very much...i cant wait to get the new bar in with the squisy part on the end...fun to play with ;) lol

ummm...well...im kinda feeling anti social right now. maybe thats why i didnt go to the party. i hate getting like this. it is annoying on my part. it happened last year too. i will get over it...i just hope it will be soon...

mouthwash sucks!!

lol...having to rinse every time i smoke is very annoying lol...dont have much to say today...pretty boring weekend. i wish i could have the smaller bar for my tongue cus this one is getting annoying...very hard to eat when you keep trying to eat the ball on the bar cus the bar is too biggg lmao. but i love it. my mom has now cut off my card usage..even though it is my card and MY student loan...whatever. i am getting a job pretty soon. working at petro can in nanoose (yay?) which pretty much sucks cus social life is going to be 0 to none for the next little while. i will probably be working every night and fri, sat, sun all day. which is a big bummer but that was the deal. i eaither am working in a production or i am working. me not being in 12th night = me working every night >,<>