post whore

so i post alot...this is only one of my 6 journals too lol...oh man.

so my script. i am pretty much at the point that is going to be very hard. im done introduing the charactors..now...i actually have to get into their minds. basically i right now have to get into the one charactors drug addiction. which is going to be hard cus it only goes downhill from there. i WANT to write this so bad. i just dont know how to put myself into this part of my life again. i know i am going to open things that i have put away not to come out again. and then i have to think...what would it be like to lose my best friend. or anybody close to me. the main charactor (the guy) is a combination of 3 people. John, who i loved and lost, David, who i loved pretty much before he started into the shit he is now, and Chris, who is my best guy friend in the whole world who i would die with. and i know alot of people say i would die without someone...but i actually would. there are two people in this whole world that i could not live without. they are chris and emma. i dont know what the fuck i would have done without them. actually i do...i wouldnt be here without them. there have been so many times where i have been so close to giving up...even going as far as saying to chris that john had it right. just before i started school i told chris that. he knew exaclty what to say to make me smarten up. and emma...well god how many times have i been in a pit and she helped me. to many to count actually. probably more then she knows of. so i basically have to put myself where i would be if i lost chris/david in one go...the thing with my mind is that to me...i will have to actually make it like they arnt here just to write the script. which is going to be hell. i didnt sleep last night cus that was what i dreamt of. in my dream, i lost chris. so i woke up this morning crying with a headache and feeling sick to my stomach. i woke up thinking i had lost him. it was fucking scary. the most scared i have ever been in my whole life. i have thought of what would happen without him, cus well...he hasnt had it easy. he has been through many operations to "fix" him as he puts it. and i remember the day after one of these that i was talking to emma and it had been about 2 weeks since either of us talked to him....actually no one had. and she just mentioned what if...and i lost it. i had to go under the stairs to calm down. just the mention of losing him brings me to tears.

ok enough M...no more depressing shit