I cant escape winding down these halls

im trapped...
in my own head
i cant get out
every day is the same
i dont leave my house
except mondays
for 3 hours
thats it....
i dont have a job
the only person im not kidding
isnt real
to everyone but me
Im lost
i cant get out
this is never going to end
im too messed up in my own head to
escape
i make up stupid excuses
and only i believe them
i miss having a purpose in life




so i have not done this in awhile so i want to do it again...

write 10 statements....

1: i honestly dont know what i would do without you right now...you are always there to listen...i just wish we could do it face to face instead of a computer screen...i want to hug you...i want you to see me cry and to know when i am lying through my teeth

2: fuck i miss you. you act like we were never friends but we were. you said you would always be there for me...but you're not anymore. and that fucking sucks. you used to be my best friend...you still are in my mind...i fucking miss you so much.

3: i miss comming to school to see you. you were the first person from the program to really try and get to know me. remember playing the ringtones at the picnic? that was so much fun.

4: you're amazing. people dont tell you that alot. you have your problems but who doesnt? yours are just more on the surface but that makes it easyer to love you. you dont have to look far to see how awesome you are. you invited me, a random person, to your picnic allowing me to get to know some of the theatre people. thank you so much for that.

5: you said i could always talk to you when i was sad. you said you would remember that i got sad on the 25th of every month. i wish you had kept that promise. it ment a lot to me. i guess i thought we were closer then we were. but im happy you are happy with your life right now. you deserve it

6: you used to talk to me. i liked that you trusted me with your writing. and i still hold that dear. i wish we could have gotten to know each other more. i think you could have helped me so much. i hope all your dreams come true. you really deserve it

7: you confuse me. sometimes you seem to hate being in my presence and are annoyed with everything i saw...and other times you leave me comments that are totally random btu make my day.

8:you were and are the best person i worked with last year in the program. you never looked down on me and you always answered my questions. i wish you all the best in the tech world. you are really a joy to be around.

9: you were so intimidating when i first met you at the picnic. you're so talented on stage i love watching you. you command people to look at you without even trying to. good luck in life darling. i'll always be there to suply with random vodka :P

10: you used to be there for me...you used to care. when john died you were the first person i ran to. now i dont even talk to you anymore. and i try to. you just seem to be turning back the clock instead of moving forward. i wish i could be there like i used to. i love you


well these should be pretty easy to guess...

say it loud!

i am a very strange person...others see this but i am just starting to see it.....think about how many times you have drank this year....i can name every single time i drank and what i drank and where i was....9 times....in a year....i smoked pot 5 times...neither of those are once a month...i am not an average 19 year old....i just dont feel the need....

i dont exaclty know the point to this...maybe im just trying to get away from everyone before i leave....if i do go there is a good chance i will miss my brothers grad....which is really sad for me...i will miss christmas....and birthdays....two of my best friends will be 19...and i will miss the bar run with them...that will suck....but i gota leave.....i need to break away from everything i was...all the people who knew me....i need to start fresh....and i cant do that around here...people already have an image of me....or who i let them see....i have over a year to work on myself and then im out of here....it seems like so long but its really not...5 years ago just seems to have flown by...i was in grade 9 back then...now im off to ontario in a year...living on my own and making something of myself....


wow...thats pretty much all my mind is thinking these days

sisterhood

im watching sisterhood of the traveling pants right now....its so weird to watch it...last time i saw it was in theatres...me and tori went....and it was so like our life back then...me tori mandy and emma leigh...we were those people...emma leigh was bee...she loved boys...she was "reckless to the point of " whatever it was...mandy was like lena back then...or on the out side she was (not so much anymore) tori was carmen in the way she wasnt afraid to say things...and i was tibby...totally weird with this crappy outlook on life. and its wierd to watch it now and find more things in common with these charactors...like how tibby had never lost anyone till bailey...and neither had i untill johns freak death...well i had but none hit me that hard....its just wierd to think back to that time...i dont talk to hardly any of them....and back then we were always together...for a little while...untill things happened and we wernt...but i always thought that i woudl be freidns with emma leigh for forever....but im not...im moving on....and i almost dont want to but sometimes i want to ever more. iduno...weird mood

accepted!!!!

I GOT IN!!!!!!!! it is totally official...im into metalworks...im off to ontario in a year or so....i cant believe it...life is starting very soon!

blah

well we kinda won...or we thought we did till they made a desicion AFTER we left....its not up to the council anymore..its up to a select group of people on the exec.....so as of right now...moorecroft summer program is not a go ahead....and that really fucking sucks

have to find a place where there are no walls!

blah....so the pain is now not such a mystery...well it kinda is but its not as much as it was...im not going into details...no one needs to know that....but i have to take pills and go for an ultrasound....and then go back to mr docter and see what is really wrong....bascially i have to be in a bunch of pain till that all goes over...and then i might have to go to the hospital....it sucks...but i'll live...hopefully :P LOL j/k

in other news....thank you to those people who left me comments...you dont know how much they can mean to me when i am in that "mood" im a real pain in the ass sometimes but thanks....i didnt leave on bad terms...i have to start living...(with a few minor set backs such as above) i just couldnt deal with the whole losing Tim thing...that hurt for sometime....and by the time i went back it was already like last year and i was missing so much again...it was just better for myself and for those around me that i withdrawl. i wont put you guys behind in projects and that kinda stuff....and im moving in a different direction....i dont want a job in theatre anymore....its crazy but i want to work with music.....i want to be one of those people who run around doing the tech jobs before concerts....it really wasnt anything to do with the program or the people. i LOVED being in that program...and i do miss it....


these are really big steps for me to admit....


so today....i get to go to courteney and protest! lol. they are trying to sell the camp i worked at this summer and i will do everything in my power NOT to let that happen. so that is what i am off to do...its going to be a long day lol. but i get to see some of the people i worked with, which will be fun!

till we meet again

fuck!

fuck pain! i have never in my whole life been in as much psyical pain as right now...and i dont know why....and it fucking sucks :(

love it seems made flying dreams so hearts could soar

fuck...i really dont think people care about me anymore......
this is not a cry for attention...its a realization....i just lost a fucking friend of mine....and you think that would open peoples eyes about how concieded we are...but it didnt...i dont think of myself that ofton...i dont think about how this will help me along...im not like that...maybe i should be...maybe i should just be a bitch to people and get somewhere in this world? maybe...but i dont think i can...i was not built like that...i go out of my way to please people...and i really shouldnt....cus i get forgotten....i dont have any close friends anymore....they are just leaving me to find my own way...i miss having someone to rely on and be there for....i hate this growing up thing...i always said "im going to keep my friends from high school forever" and now...fuck i dont even talk to them...and i dont want to make new friends...new friends dont know how messed up my head is....how fucked up my life has been....they dont know how i work....

maybe im just destined to not have friends anymore....maybe i had my time and i pushed them all away....or maybe...im just not worth anyones time anymore....

people dont tell me they love me anymore...you dont know how much you miss that till it isnt there anymore...i used to get hugs and people actually caring about me....


im done....im done being peoples "friend' the one you come to when others are not around....fuck it all

2nd star to the right and straight on till morning

i am soooo effing glad i dont go to mal anymore....i hear snippets of drama that are going on and i am glad im not there. i cant handle drama anymore...i deal with enough of my own to deal with little problems of people who cant grow up. im sorry if that offends anyone but thats how i feel....i miss you guys a bunch....the ones that actually cared about me being there....the ones that dont even read this but they know how much they mean to me. you all have my email yet no one has contacted me since i left....so thats pretty much crap....im glad i got out of that envroment...it just isnt good for me and i couldnt be happyer right now!!!!!

its time to start living

so i quit school today....im going to work for a year and then go to ontario....scary but i need to do it...to all the theatre people...i still heart you all and will miss you but i had to do this


in other news...i got a mac book...its really weird and i dont really like it but its what i need for school next year