love me when im gone

on my old computer...stupid laptop had to go and get fixed...

if i could then i would shrink the world tonight

woot im back online! haha i had a few days there without again

i went to the beach fest...which was kinda hard...last time i was at that beach was the night that Ian died and we all found out...but it was ok...and so am i...
i ended up going to mandy's...i just got home...was there for 2 nights which was just like old times...where i would just go and not come home...i love life..
on the way home i went to bill and linda's...who are like family for us...mom has known them forever and i have known their kids for the longest time...and to my suprise Ryan was there...he usually isnt...so that made me so happy...he is more like family then my actual family is...
it really made me think about my life again...and how people like Ryan are always going to be there and i would be devistated if i ever lost him...i have known him longer then my own little brother...he's 7 months older then me and we were friends for that long...hes my best friend no matter what...i dont see him that ofton anymore but the time i do spend with him is that much more special to me...the last time i saw him was Ian's funeral...
so thats it for now...im going to watch movies and enjoy my time before school starts again!

in all of the noise i am silence

done work....i fucking miss it...it was such an escape...i didnt smoke there...now im fucking smoking again....i didnt swear there...i didnt think about my life as it is going to be...i didnt think about the fights or anything but just living...
but that made me realize...life is...it just is...and thats it folks...
it also made me realize a lot of my faults...and some ways to work with them...or work around them...it made me think about where i am going and where i want to go...and made me realize i am INSANE to choose this direction in life...but also that i can do it if i want it enough....it made me realize that life doesnt have to suck...i can make it better...i can make myself happy...with or without others ... little things dont get me down anymore...yeah im not that popular but people who do love me love me a lot...they would die for me....friends that i do have and talk to are gold...im going to be ok in this life...im going to make it....im going to b sucessful and im going to love my job...

im a different person guys...and i like it ^^

before i die i will have seen it all

i still have 6 hours of work but i am fucking tired and just want to go home...i am sooooo ready for this job to be over...its just fucking hard ... i dont like the people that much anymore...i've been around the same people for 6 weeks now...and not just normal work time either...i have been away from these people maybe 6 times in that time ... that is a lot of people time...i need space for a bit...and this is just getting to much...im sick of it....im done

when i come home we will have our night! <3

so...thinking alot...i'm lost...really lost...i feel i want to change but im having a lot of trouble doing that....you have no idea how hard it is to quit smoking...like oober hard...but i am still trying...
as for camp....its starting to take a toll on me....im really tired and sore all the time and i am starting to dislike the people i work with....and i can hear you all in the back of my head *thats life m...get used to it* i know that is how life is but im not ready...im not ready to grow up yet. i am really not...i see people younger then me who are more ready then i am...i am terrified....


im still not over losing ian...i try to be strong...but im really not...i miss him...and i miss brian....how typical of me to miss people AFTER they are gone and not comming back...and i miss my friends...i miss talking to them everyday...i do love this work but....its just getting to much...i cant wait till school...its going to be soooooooooo easy after this summer....i miss you guys too....alot... i miss that i knew who i was....i dont know if i know that anymore...i know im michelle...but i dont know what my mind thinks half the time...it confuses even me most of the time....i just dont get it

here's to the friends that were alibis!

my second tattoo!!!! wooot! it took 2 hours...and a lot of pain!! but i fucking love it! i love the letters...they are from a song called "friends and alibis" by escape the fate. its going to be a constant reminder of what i want to do in life and how far i have already come!

you can listen to the song here
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ORkRriOOayM

its a great song..i love it! <333

ITS MY BDAY!

so yeah...im 19! woot woot
i went out and had lunch with the family, bought a cosmoplotian, went to the liquer store and bought smokes and scrach tickets (btw i won 14$ on my first two scrach tickets) then went to the bar and played with the little flipping things that you can win money on...

oh yeah...and i got my lip pierced! woot!!!! i am so excited...it looks awesome!

so yeah that is about it...oh wait...i passed out after i got my piercing *blushes* that was embarrassing lol but all good and im fine now...

yup...this bday rocks!

edit...my birthday was fucking awesome...there were about 1o people here but they were the best 10 people i could ask for...you guys made my birthday the best...

i am the fish lady

im home from camp again...i am soooo tired and sooooo sore...so im just going to do highlights from this week....

-brittish bulldog , i got tackled...it fucking rocked sooo much! i got picked up and slammed!
-chaos...i got covered in ...icecream, beaver mud (from the beaver pond), crackers, normal mud and i got soaking wet!
-water fights
-talent show (i actually sang in front of people...yah scary)
-getting thrown in the bay/throwing others in the bay
-meeting really awesome people...and i mean fantastic people

so it was a great week...it has been the best week so far which makes me soooo excited for teen camp


ps...im 19...tomorrow!