Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead

Interesting last blog post...

I still feel like shit but I'm doing a little better...

Its odd to be blogging again...

I always seem to write alot when I'm in theatre... Maybe its cus of the emotions being near the surface. Actually I think that is exactly what it is... For so long I've kept emotions buried. I kinda went back to how I was before high school. Closed off to the world... but not quiet as bad I hope :S

its been weird. I still don't know if I'm going to show people this blog. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. I'm such a messed up person sometimes and I frighten people away lol. Those people that know me and stick by me are gold, but they were hard to find. I don't trust people to like me anymore... that got ruined long ago. I don't like opening up myself. People never understand how much I care and they get freaked and run when they find out. I am very easily hurt and I get scared when I meet new people cus I am so freaking needy. I've really tried to get better at that but its reaaaaaaaaaalllly hard. I need constant reassurance but then I feel like I'm to clingy and then I get weird and blah.... its just a never ending cycle and its soo tiring.

I feel like people can't handle me... like at all :P Its not like I'm hiding who I am... I just censor myself a lot and I take myself out of situations.

I guess I needed to write this cus I feel like running right now. I have had serious running urges. Leaving urges. I'm feeling trapped again and its freaking me out. (Urges is a funny word and it seems out of place but I'm sticking with it.) I feel like people are getting to know me to well and I want to leave before they do so I don't get hurt. rawar I'm getting chills writing this... its freaking me out lol. lots of things are freaking me out right now! I forgot how much I love to write... I always do lol.

Scared... yes def scared. I want to have faith in people again. But I've had such bad luck! And I can't mind my own business which is another scary thing. I try to help way to much and I get caught in the freaking middle. and again I get hurt...

Maybe I'm just to freaking sensitive. Maybe thats just who I am. I don't think I could care so much without being sensitive. Most of the time my heart is on my sleeve... which doesn't work well when you're bi-polar LOL! Being in the down spiral right now is not good at all. I want other people to care and I can't ask for it. I can't trust people with the down yet at all. My head is a messed up place in the down. Wow shaking and its not the caffeine in my system. Maybe I'm cold. I don't know anymore. I'm so fucked up sometimes. I can't understand how people like me sometimes. I feel like I'm always bitching and complaining. I hate that about myself. I don't know how to be social well. I... just rawar. I don't know how to put all these things bouncing around in my head into words on the page.

Religion

So yesterday I saw a play written by another student in the program... it bashed Christianity. I'm not one to flaunt my faith but I am Christian. Since I saw it I have been feeling like crap. I can't seem to focus on anything at all. It hurt more then I thought it would and it wont go away. I know that theatre is supposed to evoke emotions in the audience, even to offend them. But this felt more hurtful. It felt like a direct attack on everything I believe in and that hurts more then I can say. My faith saved my life. In a time when I had no one around the only thing I could turn to was my faith. So to have that blatantly attacked so openly makes me feel like I did before I found faith. And thats a scary place for me. I never wanted to go back there ever again. I was a cutter and my head was not a fun place at all. I don't want to go back there at all. I never want to feel like this and I hate that someone I thought I could trust wrote that. I cant keep writing about this cus I am in school and I don't want to start freaking out again.