So Why Don't We Go...

Somewhere only we know...

I feel like I'm in high school again and I don't mean the drama.

This is all so crazy new to me that I just am so confused with it all.

But I'm happy.... like really happy ^.^

This Friday Night...

DO IT ALL AGAIN!!!

Maybe I needed to break to fix myself again.

Cus right now I am really happy...

And that has not happened in awhile.

Life is really good right now

Cut ties with all the lies...

Almost 5 freaking years... and now I freaking break....

All the shit I have gone through in those 5 years and NOW...

For fucks sake...

The worst part is... I have no one to turn to anymore...

Take These Broken Wings...

And Learn To Fly...

This is stupid... once again I put myself out there and once again I got hurt. So fuck it... I'm sick of stupid boys and there stupid problems and having to deal with them. I'm sick of being a friend to someone, helping them with all I can and then getting shit in return. I feel like I'm always getting used by someone, cus I'm the nice one. It's time to stop being so nice and just be a bitch, cus those people tend to not be used and not get hurt so much.

TWLOHA is very important to me... these two things are just as important

PICK UP THE PHONE!

PURPOSE FOR THE PAIN!

TWLOHA

TWLOHA NOW HAS TWO NEW SHIRTS!




and now has a road blog!!!

TWLOHA

I AM ALIVE!

http://www.twloha.com/news.php?nid=165

Hate me for all the things...

I didn't do for you...

I miss John... It's been 5 years almost since he died and it still feels like yesterday... I can still remember everything about that day... He would have turned 23 today...

Maybe I'm just really tired this week so thats why I'm so emotional... I don't know anymore. Writing that essay last semester and reading the stats on suicide in BC was terrible. I wish I had not written it. It brought everything back up that I had put so nicely away. I don't want to remember this anymore.

Cause dire times call for dire faces

Tokyo Police Club is coming back to vancouver and I'm so freaking stoked!!!! Reminds me of great freaking times in richmond and surrey!! Oh the olympics! Such great memories! Although the night in Richmond was the coldest I think I have ever been... soaking wet outside in the rain for 5 hours... not the greatest but soo worth it lol

I should be sleeping... damnit I have light hang in 10 hours... I is kinda scared... I'm going to have to go up the yucky ladders :P I hate those stupid things... Heights and me are great... stick me 100 feet in the air and I'm cool... just don't make me go 10 feet on a ladder lol. idk my brian is funny sometimes...

The show is going great... I can't wait to be back behind the lighting board. Its been too long.

Let me stay ... Where the wind will whisper to me

I heart Evanescence LOL reminds me of high school :P
so what have I been doing?!? Lots of drinking :P every thursday for almost a month I've been out... and its been pretty great. Just going out... hardly any drama

I feel like my head is slowly getting screwed back on. I've felt really odd for the last little while... Mood swings like crazy lol. I'm kinda used to them by now but I havnt had one this bad in awhile and it sucked. But I truly have great friends again so it all worked out well

We're heading into show time again and that makes me so freaking happy. I love being busy with theatre.

Really not in the mood to write lol. Just want to sing some more :)

Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead

Interesting last blog post...

I still feel like shit but I'm doing a little better...

Its odd to be blogging again...

I always seem to write alot when I'm in theatre... Maybe its cus of the emotions being near the surface. Actually I think that is exactly what it is... For so long I've kept emotions buried. I kinda went back to how I was before high school. Closed off to the world... but not quiet as bad I hope :S

its been weird. I still don't know if I'm going to show people this blog. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. I'm such a messed up person sometimes and I frighten people away lol. Those people that know me and stick by me are gold, but they were hard to find. I don't trust people to like me anymore... that got ruined long ago. I don't like opening up myself. People never understand how much I care and they get freaked and run when they find out. I am very easily hurt and I get scared when I meet new people cus I am so freaking needy. I've really tried to get better at that but its reaaaaaaaaaalllly hard. I need constant reassurance but then I feel like I'm to clingy and then I get weird and blah.... its just a never ending cycle and its soo tiring.

I feel like people can't handle me... like at all :P Its not like I'm hiding who I am... I just censor myself a lot and I take myself out of situations.

I guess I needed to write this cus I feel like running right now. I have had serious running urges. Leaving urges. I'm feeling trapped again and its freaking me out. (Urges is a funny word and it seems out of place but I'm sticking with it.) I feel like people are getting to know me to well and I want to leave before they do so I don't get hurt. rawar I'm getting chills writing this... its freaking me out lol. lots of things are freaking me out right now! I forgot how much I love to write... I always do lol.

Scared... yes def scared. I want to have faith in people again. But I've had such bad luck! And I can't mind my own business which is another scary thing. I try to help way to much and I get caught in the freaking middle. and again I get hurt...

Maybe I'm just to freaking sensitive. Maybe thats just who I am. I don't think I could care so much without being sensitive. Most of the time my heart is on my sleeve... which doesn't work well when you're bi-polar LOL! Being in the down spiral right now is not good at all. I want other people to care and I can't ask for it. I can't trust people with the down yet at all. My head is a messed up place in the down. Wow shaking and its not the caffeine in my system. Maybe I'm cold. I don't know anymore. I'm so fucked up sometimes. I can't understand how people like me sometimes. I feel like I'm always bitching and complaining. I hate that about myself. I don't know how to be social well. I... just rawar. I don't know how to put all these things bouncing around in my head into words on the page.

Religion

So yesterday I saw a play written by another student in the program... it bashed Christianity. I'm not one to flaunt my faith but I am Christian. Since I saw it I have been feeling like crap. I can't seem to focus on anything at all. It hurt more then I thought it would and it wont go away. I know that theatre is supposed to evoke emotions in the audience, even to offend them. But this felt more hurtful. It felt like a direct attack on everything I believe in and that hurts more then I can say. My faith saved my life. In a time when I had no one around the only thing I could turn to was my faith. So to have that blatantly attacked so openly makes me feel like I did before I found faith. And thats a scary place for me. I never wanted to go back there ever again. I was a cutter and my head was not a fun place at all. I don't want to go back there at all. I never want to feel like this and I hate that someone I thought I could trust wrote that. I cant keep writing about this cus I am in school and I don't want to start freaking out again.