we are broken, what must we do to restore our innocence?

as some of you may know, i am helping with an organization called To Write Love On Her Arms. well they have forums and i spend a lot of time on there. now twloha is trying to prevent depression so these forums are filled with people asking for help and its made me think... alot. i was like that.... god was i like that. craving the attention and then denying it when i got it. i have a great life right now, i have a kinda plan. im going to calgary in sept. thats what my mind has made up. im going back to college and im taking theater. and this time im not going to mess it up. i want my words to mean something. i have thought about taking some writing classes. there are so many ideas pounding around in my head and now i need to learn how to get that to paper. i have a story to tell, i have a show to preform, i have a song to write. i've been singing a lot lately and i've thought about taking some vocal lessens in calgary(something to think about... and why not)

so to end this... i want to thank EVERYONE who put up with me in high school and college. you are all beautiful people and i hope i can see you all sometime. i really miss quite a few people!!

stolen from jill

If I were a month I would be: August
If I were a day of the week I would be: Saturday
If I were a time of day I would be: 4:30 am
If I were a planet I would be: Jupiter
If I were a sea animal I would be: dory fish
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: big fluffy pillow
If I were a sin I would be: envy
If I were a historical figure I would be: joan of arc
If I were a liquid I would be: coffee
If I were a tree I would be: arbutis
If I were a flower/plant I would be: trillium
If I were a kind of weather I would be: warm summer rain
If I were a musical instrument I would be: accoustic guitar
If I were an animal I would be: humming bird
If I were a colour I would be: pale pink
If I were a vegetable I would be: pea
If I were a sound I would be: laugh
If I were an element I would be: fire
If I were a car I would be: something really crappy but dependable
If I were a song I would be: we are broken - paramore or born for this - paramore
If I were a movie I would be directed by: James Cameron
If I were a book I would be written by: Renee Yohe
If I were a food I would be: peanut
If I were a place I would be: new zealand
If I were a material I would be: cotton
I were a taste I would be: sweet/bitter
If I were a scent I would be: vanilla
If I were a word I would be: smile
If I were an object I would be: pillow
If I were a body part I would be: heart
If I were a facial expression I would be: sweet smile
If I were a cartoon character I would be: dory
If I were a shape I would be a: star lol no probably a heart


Paramore - We Are Broken (amazing song)

It's on my mind all of the time and if it left, I would be fine

reading back some of my old blogs... i spent so much time trying to change who i was that i forgot who i am. i was never thinking about who i actually was i was just thinking about others. which is lame now and i wish i could change things but i cant. im different now.. i finally grew up and it rocks!



What your music/IPod really says about you:

Put your Ipod/Music Player on shuffle, don't cheat, put whatever song turns up for each answer, as you go through your tracks...

What does next year have in store for me?
Street Fight 0 Hedley

What's my love life like?
I need you tonight - bsb

What do I say when life gets tough?
Heaven Help Us - MCR

What do u think of on waking up?
Nail for breakfeast, tacks for snacks

What song will I dance to at my wedding?
Congratulations - blue october (thats depressing)

What do you want as a career?
Thank you - simple plan

Your favourite saying?
Dont phunk with my heart - bep

Favorite place?
Rewind - paramore

What do you think of your parents?
Wake - linkin park

What's your Pornstar name?
Breaking the habit - linkin park

Where would you go on a first date?
For nights i cant remember - hedley (awesome!!!)

Drug of choice?
Here without you - 3 doors down

Describe yourself:
secret valentine - we the kings

What is the thing i like doing most?
my heart - paramore

What is my state of mind like at the moment?
revolution - across the universe (hells yes)

How will I die?
the fort - BTT

What do I think of my best friend?
The anthem - GC

What do I think of the president?
Bad boy for life - p.diddy

What will the future bring?
World of our own - westlife

Your views on sex?
Crush - mandy moore

Where you are in life at this moment?
Cure for the itch - linkin park

Favorite thing to do alone?
thats what she said - bsb

The world in general?
kiss me

Your views on your EX?
jaded - aerosmith

Your inner strength?
rough landing, holly - yellowcard

Your view on the world:
better then me - hinder

Your favorite beverage?
wont get fooled again - the who

Where will you be in 10 years:
flavor of the week - american hi-fi

Your family views?
universe - savage garden

Your ultimate favorite song?
what i've been looking for - HSM


Opening credit: paralyzer - finger eleven

Waking up: wit's all been done - relient k

Average day: Tale as old as time - beauty and the beast

First Date: Handjob - hot action cop (LMAO)

Falling in love: Gunnin' - hedley

Fight scene: dont lie - Black eyed peas

Breaking up: Helpless when she smiles - bsb

Getting back together: I Heard you - gc

Secret love: guilty pleasure - cobra starship (that is so perfect)

Life's okay: Crush - David archuleta

breakdown: changing skies - juilet simms

Driving: at least we made it this far - relient k (lol with my driving totally)

Learning a lesson: I'll cover you (reprise) - rent (AWE)

Deep thought: The Leaving song - afi

Flashback: barbie girl - aqua (!!!!!!!)

Partying: In the moring - razor light (lol)

Happy dance: after all - kalan porter

Regretting: lose my breath - DC

Long night alone: Hold me tight - across the universe

Death scene: what i've done - linkin park (wow.....)

I'm awake but my world is half asleep!

i dont know how many people read this anymore LOL but im going to update anyways cus its been a long time since i have

life is going pretty damn good. right now im sick and that kinda sucks...i missed work and my boss is pretty pissed but w.e

i work at a liquor store which is so easy! once the store is stocked im done and i sit there doing nothing till my shift is over... its lame.

i quit petro can cus it sucked. they gave me lame shifts and i had enough. i quit in may and its been weird since then. i went back to moorecroft for a week in july. my girls were the cuttest and easyest group ever!

beginning of aug i went back to alberta to see my dad and go to warped tour... where i had backstage passes!! that was amazing!
i met my step siblings who are pretty cool. april is a 2 years older then me, ryan is a year older and dan is a year younger. it was pretty awesome going back there adn seeing everyone.

i got back home and had my moms old friends come over and they partied it up here.

then i went back to camp for a week for teen camp... and that was one of the best weeks of my life. i was in so much pain from laughing. the neat thing is it was all clean fun. no drugs or alchol... i didnt realize how much i had missed that. i changed so much taht week that its scary! my whole outlook on life changed!

i got back from camp and then went to victoria for BACKSTREET BOYS! omg it was amazing! i got there early and the tour busses came in and i met AJ and Howie and saw them all very very close to me! and the show was amazing! the girls in front of me (with me included) were so loud that they kept looking over at us! Nick posed for my camera (but i missed the moment!! damn camera ><)

and that takes us to here... i have a job and then im here...

love you to pieces! <3

oh how i hate crushing

TWLOHA

TWLOHA is an organization about hope. It started to help one girl through her 5 days before rehab and now its helping thousands. TWLOHA is about giving people the love and hope that they need to get better and beat depression and drugs. It means a lot to me cus I have dealt with cutting and depression and I lost a friend to suicide. There are people out there who say that there is no cure for depression, but there is. Love can cure anything and there just isnt enough in this world.
So I am asking you to take 5 mins of your time and visit http://www.myspace.com/towriteloveonherarms or http://www.twloha.com



RESCUE IS POSSIBILE!!! STOP THE BLEEDING!!! LOVE IS THE MOVEMENT !!!

black bird fly

work effing rocks. i love the people i work with and i love just being me... im weird and i work really well with people. i see more people then i have since i quit school. actually since high school, i see people i have not seen in years! i love it. i love being able to bug the regulars. they are just as weird as i am. there is one guy that comes and gets a paper and a butter tart every day... he used to half eat the tart before he got to the till... so i bugged him about it and the other day he didnt and i called him on it and he replyed "look at me im a big boy" fuck i love it. these are people i can totally depend on. and they are just as messed up as i am. dawn is awesome! shes fucking funny all the time... there is never a dull moment working with dawn. and jessica.... damn we bug each other so much and we're both huge flirts! its so funny to watch us both flirt with someone! 

its just amazing... i saw gary from B2B the other day and i might work with the this summer... it would be realy nice to get back in to theatre! i do miss it

well i think that is all from my side of the world!

across the universe

listening to all the music from that movie insanely.... like its crazy...

i have to work in less then an hour and im so fucking tired! blah!

falling apart, barly breathing

rant....

so emma leigh sent me a message today saying "fuck it i miss you i dont care" and she added me back on facebook (but not msn) im sooooo confused and hurt and angry and scared and fuck... yeah fuck works well.... i dont know if i want her back into my life, yes i still care and i still love her like a sister but... i've made it so far on my own that i dont want to lose that. i've dealt with so much this past year on my own... ian and tim dieing and bryan being missing, the divorse, dropping out of school, 

i dont know... i really really dont

blah

life kinda sucks again... i tried being strong and responsible, i got a job, i stopped parting, i cut the "bad" friends from my life. well now here i am with no one... im a fucking failure as a person right now. thats how i feel. i work, i come home and i go to work again. there is no joy in my life anymore. i miss people from school alot. from mal and ballenas. the worst part is i've been here before. grade 10 i was losing everything i was. and then emma leigh came along and i was ok. and now i dont know if i can find someone else like her. im not a good friend. and i dont think i'll find someone else who will put up with me. 

yup im back to the depressing me

hearts are cold, there's no hope. thats what we're told

you know what makes me sick? people! i see people come in every day who cant even smile at the cashier. i get up every day and lately i've been feeling like shit cus im sick. but everyone gets a smile. and not cus i have to. im just that type of person. most of the time i dont get one in return. it really makes me mad. i've been through a hell of a lot in my life and i can still smile. i always smile. i dont care if you're having a bad day. reality is no one cares. if you're having a bad day MAKE IT BETTER! you're the only person who can change the way you are feeling. i've learned that much. no one really cares about you. maybe you're family sometmes. everyone wants you to be happy and the moment you arnt people start talking about how "depressing" you are. its sick. this whole world it sick.

when i hear people fighting or arguing over stupid things it makes me really mad now. you should ALWAYS treat you friends like gold. when you dont have friends anymore then you'll know what i mean. i honestly dont have friends anymore. I have Chris and thats about it. i talk to others sometimes but i dont trust anyone anymore. it is possible to care but not to trust. i dont need anyone anymore. i can be happy just me. and i am. sure i wish i had people to go out and party with. but i dont and im ok with that.

i wish people were better with each other. its really hard to work at petro can. John worked there and it reminds me so much of him. he hung himself 100 feet from there. i can see it from the till. i held a grudge agaisnt him cus he was mean to me and the last time i saw him i did shun him. i used to hold grudges like no other. now i dont and it feels much better. i've run into so many people i hated in highschool and i've grown up and so have they. i can talk to them now and its really nice to see them now.


so there is my rant for today. treat others better. you'll feel a hell of a lot better about it

you could have been all i wanted, but you were not honest.

work is fantastic!!! i love it! i love the feeling of getting paid to do something.

its been crazy though...i've been thinking alot about what is to come for me. i made my decision about when im going to school. im going to wait till fall 2010. that way, i can help with the olympics. i already aplied for it and im pretty sure im going to be chosen. i also aplied for this summer camp in ontario for the drama director. why not? it would get me out of the province for the summer, i'd be somewhere safe. i wouldnt be doing it all myself but i wouldnt be at home anymore. or i might work at moorecroft again.... i honestly dont know...its going to be some decisions i have to make in the comming while

everything seems so daunting and im trying not to think about what im going to do. im thinking a little bit about what im going to do... i have to pay off my loan and pay for school. but right now...its just 100 here and there and then im good. im not stressing as much as i should be and i think that is working in keeping me sane!

cheers for now!

rawar!

so the next few weeks im working main till from 6:30 AM to 2:30 yucky

i should be sleeping

A
- Age: 19!
- Annoyance: moody people who come into my work expecting me to change the new fuel law!

B
- Best Friends: myself... i cant rely on people anymore
- Birthday: aug 4th

C
- Car: dont have one
- Candy: coke balls

D
- Day or night: night
- Dream Car: dunno

E
- Easiest person to talk to: my mom
- Eggs: cant eat them

F
- Favorite Months: summer
- Favorite Memory: warped tour

G
- Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms: worms
- Giver or taker: ummm... giver most of the time

H
- Hair Color: black
- Height: 5'4" on a good day
- Happy: id say yes!

I
- Ice Cream: moose tracks
- Instrument: all....but guitar is my fav right now
J
- Jewellry: ring...that about the only thing i always have on me now
- Job: petro can!

K
- Kids: not right now
- Kick boxing or karate: both rock.
- Kindergarten: i miss it (and bryan!!! <3)

L
- Longest car ride: calgary.
- Longest trip: hawaii!

M
- Milk Flavor: chocolate!
- Most missed person: oh god, Ian, Bryan, Tim, John...and some more people recently
- Movie: titanic!!!!

N
- Number of Siblings: 3, billy heather and nicole!
- Number of Tattoos: 2
- Name: Michelle Alleyne McAulay (for now...i'm thinking about dropping the last name an putting in my mothers)

O
- One Wish: thats mine and mine alone :)
- One Fear:being alone
- One regret: i dont like to think of these thigns

P
- Piercings: 3 in each ear, lip and tongue!
- Pets : 3 cats and a dog

Q
- Quote: "i need a 20 doller virgin card" (some guy asked at work for a phone card and me and sarah just cracked up laughing)


R
- Reason to smile: life
- Reason to cry: death

S
- Song stuck in head: none
- Season: summer
- Shoe size: 7

T
- Time you woke up: noon
- Time Now: 10:11 pm
- Time for bed: 20 mins ago ><

U
- U love someone:sure
- Unpredictable:always

V
- Vegetable you hate:... green peppers
- Vegetable you love: yellow peppers (yup im weird)
- Vacation spot: england

W
- Worst Habits: smoking
-Where are you going to travel next? ontario!
- Weather right now?: yucky!!

X
- X-Rays: suck.

Y
- Year it is now: 2008
- Year you remember: 2006, 2007....both very memorible for very different reasons!

Z
- Zoo animal: lion
- Zodiac sign: leo

do you have a petro points card?

hahaha work is awesome! 

i feel i owe a good blog since i have really not blogged since....december? cept for updates but those are kinda lame and impersonal. so heres a good run down!

its been a lot of "me" thinking. what do I want?  not what do i want to make others happy. just me. selfish i know but its about time. im making plans with friends i really care about and should spend more time with. im planning at least three trips to vancouver to see people i havnt seen in YEARS! (honesly anywhere from 5 years to 10) thats going good

my first pay check should be about 1500$ so most of that is going to be held on to so i can pay my deposit to school. im already looking into where i would work when i move. good thing about working at petro can is its really easy to transfer. and in all my bitching about the place. i really like it. the people i work with rock. i got thrown on till two days in a row! most people are really good and really understanding of new people. its really cool. 

its been a good little while. today was really good. i've had teh giggles for about 4 hours! ever since i got off work! its been fanstastic!

so i quit my other job....i didnt like it anymore... i am now working at the petro canada in nanoose! (come visit me :P ) and i work tomorrow from 7 am till 2:30.... which is pretty cool!

my names forgotten

so whats new with me? well i got a job...i work mon-fri 10$/h  pulling trees from planters for 8 hours....boring work but it pays well. i really hate the job but i need to money. its hard boring work....but in about 2 years i will have enough money to get the hell out of this town. i will be out here and doing what i want to do before i'm 23! that is my goal!

2008

well i brought in 2008 really well actually. i went to the bar as planned. they had a balloon drop at 12 and me and mummy carol were the only ones under it. went back to mummy's house. we got invited to my kinda step brothers house (mummy considers me her daughter. shes dating don and it was dons sons party) went there for a few hours. i made some very smart decisions that i am very proud of. i said no to the drugs going around. i never thought i could do that. for all i talk shit about others doing it i have no will power. anyways...we went back to mummy's and i fell asleep somewhere around 6 am...it was a very good way to bring in the new year.

i expect big things for this year. my parents divorce is almost done with. my father is actually putting in an effort to talk to me. my toxic friends are no longer in  my life and are replaced with friends that are awesome. i realized i don't care where i work as long as i have a job...fast food here i come (just not Micky D's ...that i refuse!!) i found family that live really close to the school i want to go to (no paying rent!! less money off my mind!) and i just feel better about this year. a lot of things still hurt a lot but I'm not crippling like i used to. 

so here's my resolution. i am not going to dwell on things anymore. what has happened in my life sucks. some of it was great. I'm not looking back anymore. this is about me and I'm going to make it work!!