at the edge

e gad i am getting close to break down! highs and lows like crazy! i got the show comming up which make me beyond happy but...it has been 5 months since John died...and that hit me hard yesterday...i havnt cried over him in a while but yesterday...i cried almost all the way to school...i was fine untill i passed his drive way...and i thought i saw him...but...then it realized that it was gone. or he was gone...it just put me off all day...luckly i got to do some lighting stuff...which made me busy so i didnt think...then people started to come back...and i went into my mind again...and i didnt have any smokes! what is that?!?! thank god for Alleah and Alex...dont know what i would have done without them yesterday...crazy probably...or in a corner by myself...so anyways...then rehersal started...and i painted with Lisa which was oober fun...then court called me and her and heather came to visit...and again i realized how i am not the same person i was....i think i lost the fun side that i used to have...or i got a new one...cus...i dont know how to explain it...i just felt soo different...it felt so weird....like they dont know who i am anymore...hell even i dont know who i am anymore. i just wish i could figure this out sometimes