E Gad!!

what is with my rebelion to sleep???? i know i have to get up at 7:30 tomorrow yet i cant/wont sleep...i should have been in bed hours ago but no...here i am at 1:18 am still on my comp and not asleep!! i really shouldnt be tired tomorrow...i have to build sets and that should be something you are rested for...but i is not that bright apparently!! or maybe it is my control thing comming up again...i am quite a control freak...but only with myself really. like .. i used to hold my breath when i was younger and things were not going well in my life...yeah im a tad crazy i know...or controling pain...control comes in when i cant control my emotions...which is what this week has been. it has been a roller coaster!! it is so many comflicting emotions that i almost lost it. i just wanna type and have it all work out but it doesnt seem that way. it is other peoples opinions/choices that i cant control. like my dad for instance. i WANT to hate him with all that i have but i cant. i miss him terribly. stupid bastard left us and threw my whole summer off yet...i want him to be here. no matter how many fucked up things he does i want my dad. i really miss waking up every morning to the sports news..i always forget to turn it on...and i miss watching the hockey game with him. it was "our" thing. my mom doesnt like hockey and neither do my siblings...it was a me and dad thing. and i miss learning about the car or what he was building. i want my daddy :( if i didnt think my mom would be crushed i would be living with him...but i cant leave my mom either. when i went to alberta for new years last year...you could just tell my mom was upset. and i know he is going to ask again this year. or he will want to come here...but i dont want him and my mom together. and i dont want him here with his drinking buddies. i hate when he drinks. he always get angry and finds something wrong with all of us. and he drives piss drunk with me in the car. i have driven with him swirving on the road cus he was that drunk.....it just isnt right...

alright...i got into another rant...jeeze i do this alot :P