forget regret, or life is yours to miss

i just want to forget all of this...the memorial is sat at 2...i dont think i can go through another one...i just talked to my friend nikki who i got really close with after John died...and i told her...and i just couldnt talk...the words wouldnt come out...and that is how i feel now...everything i want to say is right there...but i cant...it hurts when i breath and my eyes are burning...i couldnt sleep last night...i just keep seeing her face everytime i closed my eyes. i cant lose people...i just dont let them go...and i dont know why but i cant...i get attached to people to easy...and i cant let them go after...im just so confused right now...nothing makes sence anymore...it is the same when i lost john...i forgot how much it hurt...how you just want to stop thinking and would do anything just for a moment of blankness....i dont know how people can lose people really close to them...like and aunt or uncle or sibling and parent...i would just fall apart...and if i lost one of my close friends...i think i would kinda die along with them....i feel like i have a vise grip on my chest...it hurts too much to breath...and it just keeps snowing...school is cancled tomorrow and so i am stuck agian...day six tomorrow...