love...

so i just watched the Notebook...god i cry every time in that movie...it just makes me think of love...and how bad i (and every other girl out there) wants to fall in love. my grandparents had that. i just want to find love like theirs...my grandparents were split up but they still loved each other. my grandma died first...and (as i am told...i was like 6 when this all happened) that my uncles would let her husband go to her funeral...when they finally gave in...and were in the process of getting him to the funeral... he died...my mother and i didnt even know that he was on the way there till a few years ago...both of us just thought that he had died on that day...but he didnt...he died going to her...i miss them so much...i hate how i bottle everything up till it all bubbles up...i keep my pain so deep that when i watch movies like this i just cant stop....when i start crying i cant stop...untill i phically cant cry anymore...and i am getting to that...my chest hurts... (and no it isnt my boobs hurting lmao) i gotta stop doing this....it cant be good for my health...i basically live every day in fear that i dont lose anymore people...my grandfather my only living grandparent) just had a stroke and he will never be the same...my uncle has been living with AIDS for 20 or so years now...and he is pretty much dying...he looks sicker and sicker every fricking time i see him....all my cousins are drug addicts...(hence why i HATE drugs) and my dad...well....he looks horrible...i can see him dying slowly too....which is why i cant hate him...damn i thought i was done crying...but i guess it just wants to come out tonight...

well anyways....i am really ok guys...just hurting right now...but it does go away...it hurts more then others right now. i loved talking to Alleah today...cus like i said...she understood...she told me somethings that were like mirror images of myself...which made me feel like i wasnt so alone at mal...i know i have people there to count on...but im a girl of connections...and me and alleah really connected...or at least i think we did...