no one to love me and no one to love

so im supposted to be at a memorial today....but i couldnt bring myself to go. i didnt want to cry today. i was supposted to go and support my friends and i feel really bad but cant i go awhile without crying? this would have been my 3 memorial in less then a year...its only been ten months since John....jezze it is almost one year....fuck time flys....

anyways...im doing 100 times better. i needed to just get out with and play music like yesterday...made me feel fantastic. my mother has never heard me just pick up a piece of music and play it on the keyboard. (only the right hand and only the melody..but shush...she does know that) but yeah...the look on her face made me feel fantastic. and after i finish this i am going back on my guitar to get this song right! anyways..SUPER LONG QUIZ TIME!

A-accidents:
01. Have you ever been in a car accident? two before i was born
02. Do you have a lot of scars? yup
03. Have you ever been in a fist fight with someone? my brother
04. Have you ever seriously hurt anyone by mistake? not that i recall...
05. Have you ever had stitches? no sir

B - Beauty:
06. Do you consider yourself beautiful? honestly i dont
07. Are you self conscious of how you look? most of the time
08. Do you put on a lot of make-up? depends on my mood
09. Would you ever consider getting plastic surgery? i have thought about it
10. What do you think makes a person beautiful?how they treat others

C - Consequences:
11. What was the longest amount of time you've been grounded for? never been grounded
12. What would you do if you got pregnant, keep it or have an abortion? i dont think i would ever get an abortion...i would give it up but not kill it
13. Do you ever think about how your actions affect other people? more then people think i do
14. What do you think is the worst punishment someone could give you? taking away theatre, music or my friends
15. What is one thing you wish you didn't do, just because it wasn't worth it in the end? i try not to think about these things cus they all made me who i am

D - Dealing:
16. When you are mad at someone, how do you show them? i bottle it up till it boils over
17. Name a time when you had to be strong: ever single day of my life
18. Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting? right now and they have been fighting since i was born
19. When people at school don't accept you, or have problems with you, how do you react? i dont know...depends on who it is...usually i just push it away or try and make them like me
20. Have you ever lost someone to death? 12 that i can remeber on the spot...

E - Experience:
21. Have you ever had a job? one
22. Do you think that you are sexually experienced, or not at all? not really...somewhat
23. Have you gone through a lot emotionally, or has life been easy thus far? personally i think i have been through alot...my childhood was crazy...more funerals then birthdays... by the time i was 7 i had been to 10 funerals....thats not easy on a kid
24. Do you think you are ready to be on your own (have your own home, job, etc.)? hell no
25. How old do you act? depends on the people...and how much i have had to drink

F - Family:
26. Is there anyone in your family you don't talk to? my fathers side...
27. If you had to choose, family or friends? friends...100% cus i concider my family to be my friends...sometiems
28. Can you tell your parents or one of your parents anything?nope and i dont
29. Do you have any siblings? three nicole who i think is 27, billy who is almost 16 and heather who is 10
30. How often do you spend 'quality time' with family members? not a lot...but more then other people i know

G - Growing:
31. How tall are you? 5'5”
32. Do you think that you have grown more in the past year than any year before that? emotionally yes i have...hight wise...i have not grown since grade 6
33. As a person, do you think you are mature for your age or still act childish? im still pretty childish
34. Are you scared to think that one day you will turn 30, then 40, then 50? let me hit 20 first
35. Do you believe you still have a lot to learn? i learn every day....and i never want to stop learning

H - Hope:
36. Love - real or not? love is real...
37. Are you a pessimist or an optimist? im more of a pessimist...but im trying to change that
38. Do you believe in fate, that everything happens for a reason, or do you think that our actions lead the way? me and my friend had a discussion about this. we came to the conslusion that we start out in the center of a spider web of choices...you choose where you go but the outcome was always there...god i miss Chris
39. Do you think that after we die our spirit is still alive? yessum
40. What gives you hope when you just feel like dying? music, theatre, friends

I - Issues:
41. Do you suffer from depression or constant sadness/loneliness? i'm bi-polar
42. Do you have any type of disease or disability? yup....but i dont like people to know them cus they dont affect me...and i dont use them as an excuse anymore
43. Are you currently in a hard relationship or have bad luck with the opposite sex? always am
44. Do you think that you are alone in this world? sometimes i do...but im really not
45. How often do you think about death, suicide or running away? every day these things cross my mind...but they get pushed away by better things

J - Jokes:
46. Are you usually the one making people laugh, or the other way around? i am always laughing
47. Do you cry when you laugh hard? oh yes i do
49. Do you ever get in trouble for laughing or talking a lot during class? hahahaha i used to a LOT in high school

K - Knowledge:
50. The purpose of school: learning
51. Do people refer to you as smart, dumb, or average? im smarter then most people think...usually with silly trivia that no one understands
52. What was the highest grade you have received (full course mark)? 97% in band
53. What was your last average? c i think
54. What do you find the most interesting subject to be (to study or to talk about)? theatre, music, history, logic

L - Love:
55. Are you currently in love? with my friends...
56. Do people around you show you a lot of love (tell you they love you, hug you, kiss you, etc.)? not at mal...but whenever i go back to ballenas or the sos...i hear MICHELLE and then i get hugged...i miss that
57. Is love worth it? yes
58. Do you hate it when girls in their young teenage years say they 'love' someone that they've been dating for a few weeks? well they think they are in love...let them be...the truth will hurt...
59. Does it take a lot for you to say you love someone, or is it just a word? its both..i say i love you to people all the time to make them feel better..and i mean it...but saying it to someone you care about in that way is totally different

M - Money:
60. Do you believe that money makes the world go round? yes
61. Is your family on the poor side, average, or above average when it comes to money? poor...but im totally ok with that
62. Are you saving up for college/university, or planning to? go go student loans!!!
63. Would you rather win millions of dollars and be set for life, or find the perfect person to marry and start a family with? find the perfect person...i would rather be DEAD broke and in love then a millionair and have no one
64. On a scale of 1-10, how important is money to you? money means nothing to me

N - Naughty:
65. Are you a virgin? nope
66. What do you think about doing sexual things with someone you're not going out with? i dont do it anymore...and further then....well...damnit
67. Do you know anybody you consider a slut? nope...
68. If you could, would you erase some things you did in the past or make it so you did more? ummm i wish i .... yeah this one is staying with me
69. Do you consider yourself more nice or more naughty? for people who know me...im more naughty :P

O - Openness:
70. How long does it take for you to open up to someone? not long...im prety open from the start
71. What does it take for you to fully trust someone? again i trust people really easly...but break my trust and you will never get it back
72. Are you generally untrusting towards people because of past experiences, or any other reason? if i dont trust you...you have done something to me
73. When are you comfortable with someone sexually? it depends on the person...i guess if they are comfortable so am i...
74. When it comes to parents and close friends, what's the limit of what you can tell them? my good friends know everything...like emma leigh can see me and know everything...god its nice to have a best friend like that

P - Positive:
75. Have you ever had an experience with someone that didn't necessarily end positivetly? oh yeah
76. Do you agree with the saying: better to have loved and lost than not have loved at all? as hard as it is...yes
77. Are you more optimistic or pessimistic? already has this question
78. Do you agree that something good can come out of everything? yes...if you look everything will turn good
79. Have you ever had a time where something really bad happened, but something really good happened because of it? yup...most recent was johns death...it brought me sooooooo much closer to my friends and make me love life again...and proved to me theatre is what i want to do...how else could i have gone onstage just after bawling my eyes out not 10 mins before

Q - Questions:
80. When faced with a problem, do you ask for help or try to figure it out yourself? im very stubborn...i wont ask for help unless i am very stuck...or lazy
81. Do you often question the world and how we came about? all the time
82. Do you think the government is truthful? AHAHAHA thats a godo one
83. When someone does something wrong to you, do you confront them and ask them why they did it or just let it go? depends on what it is....i cant confront people
84. What is one unsolved mystery about the world that you want answers to? atlantis...or why i lost so many people unexpecdly...

R - Respect:
85. How do you show respect? i dont know how i show it...but you will know if i do
86. What can someone do for you to lose all respect for them? hurt me or my friends
87. Do you respect your teachers, parents, and other authority figures? yup...most of the time
88. When you are disrespectful to your parents, what is the punishment? my mom dont care...she just does it back to me:P
89. If someone is mean to you, are you mean back or do you kill them with kindness? hahah funny stories come with this one...including breaking someones tail bone...slaming doors...and almost getting in a fist fight


S - School:
90. If you are still in school, what grade will you be going into? .... grade 12
91. When will you graduate high school? 2006
92. After high school, what did you do/are you planning to do? theatre
93. Do you like or hate school? What do you like/hate about it? school is awesome
94. Have you ever been suspended, expelled, or dropped out of school? i got suspended

T - Temptation:
95. Have you ever done something wrong, knowing it was wrong, because something inside of you said it was okay? oh yeah
96. Has anyone ever pressured you to smoke or drink? yup
97. Did you ever cheat on someone? Why did you do it? CHEATING IS WRONG!
98. Did you ever want to do something sexual with someone you didn't really know or love? What did you end up doing? oh i have wanted to...but i havnt
99. Do you give in to temptation easily, or are you more independent and strong willed? depends on how i feel about what i am doing...if i really dotn wanna do it i wont

U - Unique:
100. Would you rather blend in with the crowd or stand out? ummm i have pink hair
101. Do you do a lot of things because your friends are doing it? possibly
102. Do you follow trends, wear whatever you want, or wear really unique pieces? whatever is clean
103. Do you give in easily to peer pressure? depends...probably not
104. What makes you different from people your age? i still act like a child sometimes and i dont take everything so serously

V - Value:
105. What's the most expensive thing in your room? lap top and keyboard
106. Would you sacrifice your life for other people? yes i would
107. What is something you value not because it costs a lot, but because it means a lot to you? my photos...all the picture people have drawn me...my doller store birthday present from emma leigh which was my fav present ever...if you see my room...it is full of things that mean everything to me but are worth nothing
108. If there was a fire in your house/apartment, what is the one thing you would want to save? i thought about this the other day...i couldnt do it...i would die in the fire along with me life
109. Do you think past memories and experiences are more valuable than what could happen? then the future? memories are what keep me going

W - Wishes:
110. If you had three wishes, what would they be? one: to fall in love with someone who loved me, two: to do theatre for the rest of my life and not have to worry about money, three: give my friends the world cus i would not be here without them
111. Would you rather wish yourself to be happy, or your loved ones? loved ones...im not happy if they are not happy
112. Do you believe that wishes come true if you really believe in them? i still wish on stars...
113. Have you ever had a wish come true? i think so
114. Do you find wishing for things a waste of time because everything that's meant to happen, will happen? no...wishing is fun

X - Xanga: WTF?

Y - You:
115. Are you more independent or social? social most of the time
116. What is something that makes you very mad when you see it? people mis treating others for no reason
117. Do you think that you have potential to do great things? yes i do
118. What kind of person would you be if you didn't have guidance from family members, God, teachers, etc.? i would be dead...no other way about it. or living on the street being a crack whore
119. Do you think people are generally good? yes i do

Z - Zest:
120. Are you currently happy with your life? Why or why not? right now...yes i think i am...
121. Are you more outgoing, ready for anything, or boring and shy? more out going
122. When change occurs, do you get scared or are you excited for it? I HATE CHANGE@!!!
123. Do you like to try new things, meet new people? i love meeting new people. expecialy people who share the passion of music and theatre...hence why i loved doing the festivals
124. What is the most motivational thing in the world? love...love for what you are doing, love of friends and family. love makes the world go round