hard to go on

sometimes it is hard to think of anything good...i miss John very much. it was very hard today to not be around my friends at BSS...we bounded like no other the day we lost John. we became a family that day. all i wanted to do all day was see them and get hugs and fall back on them and have them fall on me. i know i am growing up and supposted to be with more grown up people now but...i miss them a lot. i got really close to them cus of losing John. when you go through a something like that you get close to people. we just understand each other. it wouldnt be like this if we didnt go through that but we did...and we are close for it. they were there for me when i needed them. when i had to go onstage after the funeral they were there. kim, nathan, twigg, and i dont remember who else just randomly showed up but they were there. and the day we all found out...i could not have gotten through that day without them. nathan and twigg dancing around like idiots trying to get all the girls to stop crying. they hid their pain to make us feel better. and a few weeks ago when i was talking to nathan he made me feel so much better...i was a little tipsy and i just started talking. we talked about John and it made me feel better. he is really an amazing person...and i thank him a lot.

wow i rambeled on quite a bit. so anyways...this is just a heads up...i will be like this tomorrow...and maybe the next day...not as bad. every month i will be like this...i cant not. it is just always on my mind...everything reminds me of him...

Miss You John...I wish with all my heart you were still here. everybody is in pain over you. they miss you soo much...i just wish you had realized how many people loved you and wanted to help.

"fighting on arrival, fighting for survival" <3333