fucking intence

fucking drugs!!!! i fucking hate them so fucking much (not pot...if you know me i dont mind pot but anything harder then that i fucking hate it) i already lost two fucking people to drugs and i almost lost another. my uncle died of a speed ball when i was 2 weeks old...just after his 31st bday...im named after him too (his fav song was Michelle by the beatles and it was also his fav name) losing him changed my entire life...after that i fucking lost everyone...his parents (my grandparents) just basically gave up living after that...lost them when i was 6 within a week of each other (my grandpa died on the day of my grandma's funeral) and then there is John...who didnt really die from drugs...but i really belive he wouldnt have done what he did if not for the huge amount of drugs in his system. and NOW my friend David...who is one of my really good friends (or was untill he moved) tells me he is in the hospital cus he OD'd...he has been there for 3 fucking days...and fuck...i knew it was going to happen but it just didnt really click till now...i could have lost him too...just as everything was going good i could have lost another friend...i mean fuck kids...stop being dumb...he is still telling me he aint going to stop....HE ALMOST FUCKING DIED AND HE WONT FUCKING QUIT!!! it makes me fucking rage cus he is being soooo stupid....i know it is way beyond my control but learn fast what i am like...i care far to easy...it is how i have always been...i attach to people to fast...i could meet someone and know them for one day and already be ready to tell them everything...which is really weird...cus i am terrifyed of being hurt...yet i let people in so fast...i have no secrets...if you want to know something ask..and i will tell you...not matter what it is...im right now debating telling everything...cus i really dont feel honest if i keep this all in...im probably not what people think i am...im totally different on the inside...and i think it is time i took off the mask...

well this isnt easy for me to say...but i want it out so people dont think i am someone im not...cus it took me a long time to be able to tell people stuff and i am already kinda hiding things..so here they are...

i was a drug user...i was a cutting...i was suicidal...i say was cus i really am not anymore...i have my moments...but i am doing really good...

last time i had anything other then pot was ... quite awhile ago...grade 9 i think was the last time (cept for one mushroom a few months ago...which almost started me again) i was really bad for about 2 years and quite a partyer b4 that... now think about how old i am..then think about the fact that i was clean from grade 9 on...now think about how many years i was addicted that puts me starting drugs at 12 summer between grade 6 and 7...not proud of that at all

last time i cut was april ... now i think i have already lied about this...the scars on my arm are not from falling while drunk...which i think i have told some people...it is a lie...i dont like to admit that i did that myself. but i did..i was drunk but i didnt fall..i did it myself when i was in the car home...i dont like admitting that i did that to myself...it is horrible really...i wish i didnt do it at all

and the last time i was suicidal was acutally not to long ago...i get random moods where i just dont want to be here...and they get pretty bad...when i feel like i have no one (which is every other weekend ><) i get like that. i have scars on my wrists and all that...i was a pill popper...i would take advil or something for no reason other then i wanted to stop feeling. i wouldnt even be here if it were not for Emma-leigh...i had the bottle and was ready to take them but i saw a picture of emma and i just couldnt...i couldnt leave her behind...thats when we made up the "you jump i jump" thing between us...she isnt allowed to leave me and i aint allowed to leave her...


i trust and care way to much...i cant help it...i used to fuck around too...around the same time i was doing all the drugs...i dont even remember the name of the first guy i slept with...

so that is me...i try not to do any of that anymore...i really relaly really try...it fucked up my life...and i did everything i could to get out of it...so i ask you now...cus i had this thing with all my high school friends...if i am ever into that stuff again (cutting and drugs and shit) please HIT ME!!!! i dont want to be that person anymore...

well there you go guys...i want you all to know this...so those who read it please pass it on...i want this out there b4 ..well anything...i want this to be known as me...i want people to know of my past and i want people to see why i am like i am about somethings...thats all...i will see everyone on monday