bubbles

rawar...not fair once again. i need to stay away from my old friends...not good...i saw one of my friends that i thought i was over ...haha NO WAY! yeah totally not...still care for him...he is such a sweetie and he came out just to see me tonight...*sigh* he is always there for me...and i have really missed him (Em i know you are dying to know who it is...heres a clue...he dated the whore and i was going to steal him from her...and he cant dance :P ok i totally just gave it away...tell anyone and i will kill thee) it is just like no matter what i cant get over some people...and i really want to...hell im in college and there are so many other people but i cant get over these people (you know the other one Em..btw need to talk to you about that...Michelle might have broken them up...by accident...me and my big mouth...he isnt talking to me again :( ) this is a total rambling post...that is my mood again. i went out tonight as i said...and...as i said before...i really am happy. Losing John did something to me. i grew up within a few months. i had some really rough spots but i am who i am cus of that. which really sucks cus it shouldnt have happened but i wouldnt be this if it wernt. it really isnt fair. monday will be 4 months...wow i cant believe it relaly. i miss him terribly...it wasnt that i was close to him cus that would be a lie. but he was a certian in my life. see i get these attachments to people and i didnt realize he was one of them but he was. i need to write the play. for one of my classes i am going to write something not really for him but for myself really. the day after he died...the day i found out was total hell and i can still remember it all. it is one of those moments i will never forget. remembering it now though is like watching a film. i can see myself in all the scenes but i remember how i was feeling. basically that is going to be my story. the day i found out and the days that followed. like how that night i freaked out like no other and actually had to leave me house cus i couldnt be there. (i was in a state that night...he was my neighbor and his fav spot to go was my backyard basically and that just freaked me out) and how i went to errington...another one of his fav spots. i remember the funeral...and breaking down. my mom spoke at his funeral. she talked about when we first met him and talked about where he was from and made fun of him cus of him calling notch hill a mountian...and i remember having to do a show 30 mins after going to the funeral. i dont know what i would have done without that show to keep me busy. we went into show the tuesday after he died...he died on a thursday (may 25) and we started tues...the funeral was thursday...that was the single hardest thing i have ever had to do. i had to be a little girl and jump around the stage and be happy and that was the opposite to what i was feeling. i wanted to curl in a ball and stay there. i couldnt stop crying. i did the whole show...but i did lose it once...there was a scene where i was supposted to be a little bit sad but i cried. luckly it was intermission so i got to redeam myself and then back on...but when i finished i bawled all the way home. i think i am going to go and write now. i seem to be in the mood.