got no where to run

so its going to be offical soon. i will offically be a part of a broken home. my mom signed the paper work today for her divorse. i never thought it would happen. all those times i thought...but i never thought it would. even when i wanted it. i hate it. i dont like the fact that i have this thing as a father. i want a dad. some things i just cant do with my mother. like fix a car or play with tools or...all those things that dads are supposted to do. im not happy about this. i WANT my father as bad as he is. does that sound totally crazy? im a daddys girl with no daddy. my father has never been there. even when he lived here and i wanted him to teach me to play a sport...like when i wanted to play hockey or throw a fucking ball with him...he wouldnt. one of my best memories with my father is the one fucking time he played ball with me. we just went into the yard and tossed a soft ball. it was fantastic. its just not fair. he never cared. he gave his other daughted up. he never talks to her. i havnt seen her since i was 8. i dont want that to happen. in the movie life as a house there is a great scene where the two main charactors (father and son)are talking about the fathers father. the son asks why he didnt kill him when he had the chance. the father answers back cus i loved him. thats exactly how i feel. i love my father. it just so hard. i dont want to be forgotten. to many people already forget me. my father isnt supposted to. i feel so weak about this whole thing to. but it hurts. more then people will ever know. you will never see me break down. that i promise. i dont cry infront of people. even my best friend has only seen me cry twice i think. once when we were talking about Chris being in the hospital and once when John died. other times like when we watched rent dont count. i dont like showing weakness. it just isnt me. im strong. i dont cry in public. fuck it all i give up