im still thinking underage

wow....6 days till i am 19...that is soooo weird...i mean i have been looking forward to this day for so long...i can finally go to the bar and all that...
but there is a catch....i have decided to give up drinking...which means no drinking...well no getting drunk...which i really enjoy but im trying to change...and i dont like that i have to be drunk to be the person i want to be...i dont like that and i dont like how i feel in the morning...i would much rather just not drink. i already quit smoking pot...and i have turned it down many a time and not had any...last time i had any was june 28th and that was only the 4th time this year....once at new years, once at BSS, once at my party...and that is it...i dont like being impared...i dont like drugs. pot is ok but not for me anymore...at the end of my being a stonner i was not feeling the high anymore and that scared the shit out of me. i could very easly turn into a druggie and i know that...i could turn into an alcholic....so i am indeffinatly cutting back on my drinking and going cold turkey on getting drunk...

wow so that was a long speal...but it felt good...it felt good to put the words that have been in my head on paper...ish....its not going to be easy to do it...but im starting with my bday...im not getting drunk...im going to have a nice girly drink (which i am going to buy myself) and then stop...and im going to try not to smoke that night either....i doing ok on that too....i dont smoke at camp...which is hard but im doing it...hopefully after this summer i will be a non smoker....

i want to change guys...i really really do. i want so much out of life that i cant go down a path that isnt what i want. i have huge goals for myself and i want to reach them. i applyed to a college in ontario...a live sound and lighting management course. theatre will always be in my heart but it isnt what i want to do anymore. i want to travel with bands and set shit up. i want to be the roadie....that sounds so weird but i do. michelle the theatre tech is giving up on theatre. doesnt mean it wont always have a soft spot but i want something more. i love music wayyyyy to much and musical theatre just doesnt do it for me. im a rocker chick. i love being who i am, i love dressing in the punk/emo/rock cloths...and the make up and the ever changing hair....roadies can do that...i dont think theatre techs can...we're supposted to be hidden from view....i dont like that...i want to be seen but not in the spot light.

so long post...but it has been a long time since i just sat at my computer and wrote...im really scared to go back to school actually...i am putting myself out there more then i ever have. i am more me then i have been...i have more drive and passion in me then i ever have....this is me....and i plan on showing up more ofton :)