I love going back and reading all the entrys... I was 16 when i started this blog... im now 21 turning 22... thats almost 6 years of blogging... lots of memories are stored on here... lots of things i probably should regret saying but i dont... they were in the moment... lots of names that i shouldnt have mentioned... but that doesnt matter either cus it was how i was feeling... ive never been the type of person to hide... even though i said i was... i never kept myself hidden... i was who i who in that moment. trying to change who i was, was very stupid. i changed how i acted but i never changed me... im a dumb blonde sometimes... i play that up... i do it now... why not? i play the stupid girl sometimes too... at work it helps muchly :P i can be strong and weak... i can be smart and dumb...and thats ok... i dont have to try to be anything now. I am a person, I am a girl, I am me...
I like that i dont have to hide around my friends now... I can be crazy at shows... and say stupid things...and do stupid things... I have a long way to go before i am truly happy with me...i still deal with daddy issues and living in the past...
the past is less scary... they past is known... i dont like thinking about the future... the future is a scary place... filled with unknown... i have panic attacks when i think about next year... i want to grow up and be there already... the process scares me... the failing scares me... i quit before i fail...
writing feels good... it feels good to just type adn type and type... just let it all flow again... i want to start writing more... songs, poems, scripts... whatever comes... i have always wanted to change the world with my words... i have about 8 scripts hanging around in my head... and i go over them every night before i sleep (maybe thats why i cant sleep??) i need to put them on paper... i need to put the songs in my head on paper... i just need to stop being scared to fail... stop trying to write the "perfect" whatever... and just write... who cares if its not the best.... it just needs to get out in the open....
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